Sexual Games. What If The Passion Has Faded?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Author: Natalya Ivanovna Olifirovich - candidate of psychological sciences, associate professor. Gestalt therapist, trainer, supervisor, member of the European Association of Gestalt Therapy, Belarusian Association of Psychotherapists, European Association of Psychotherapy. Director for Organizational Development of the Belarusian Institute of Gestalt. Organizer of a number of regional, republican and international conferences in the field of gestalt therapy.

Talking about sex is not easy - after all, a lot has been written about it. However, most often the works belong to one of the two poles - either to sex technique, where the main task of partners is to receive / deliver pleasure, or to its spiritual side, where the main thing is love and relationshipsand sex is attached to it like a nail to the lid of a coffin. And rarely is the sexual relationship of a mature couple investigated. After all, it's one thing - a chance one-time meeting, another - living together for a long time. People living together have many difficulties in the sexual sphere … How to Maintain Sexual Desire? How to get between the Scylla of fading interest in a partner and Charybdis of temptations? What to do if the sexual hearth burns out and only a light steam winds over the cauldron of former boiling love?

There is no single correct answer to these questions. Someone reads glossy magazines that give advice to men and women. Someone single-handedly rescues the sinking ship of sexual passions. And someone says: this is normal … love lasts three years … sex is not the main thing, there would be a relationship … We, people of the XXI century, know how to calm ourselves.

My experience with clients and couples has led me to understand the many complexities underlying sexual problems and disharmony - not in one person, but in a couple. I insist on precisely this joint definition of all problems. After all, often one partner says - I'm not guilty / guilty, everything is OK, it's all he / she … In fact, it turns out that once everything was in order - and only over time something changed, then it was broken, then it reached its current critical state. And then one partner - usually a woman - turns to a psychologist and says: help! But he speaks softly, whispers, because it is not customary to talk about sex loudly and aloud … But the problem is common - after all, it arose as a result of the contact of this particular man with this particular woman, and therefore it is better to deal with it together. Maya, a beauty, long-legged blonde, complains for several sessions about everything - boredom, meaninglessness of life, fading interest in work and rest - and, among other things, her husband's betrayal. My ear clings to her tone - she talks about cheating in the same way she says that she is not happy with new clothes. I decide to explore this area. So, they have been living together for 9 years, there are no children yet. Her husband earns money, Maya works for her own pleasure and takes care of her appearance and health. It's amazing, I think, how can a husband cheat on such a beauty? I ask about the first years of life together - it seems that everything is in order there. The husband is the first sexual partner, quite technical and sometimes arouses Maya's interest and excitement - usually when he comes from a business trip. If they live together all the time, and neither her husband nor Maya go anywhere or travel, she begins to feel irritated. Maya gets the feeling that she lives with a boring, worthless, uninteresting man. This word - to nobody - has become the key word in our work. It turned out that Maya herself pushed her husband to the first betrayal. A friend came to her, experiencing a break with her beloved. Maya several times told her husband to support her and feel sorry for her, and also hinted to her friend that her husband was just a macho in bed. A week later, the husband confessed to Maya that he and his friend were sexually close. A friend left, Maya cried, feeling unhappy, abandoned - but at the same time she was excited! For half a year, she and her husband had amazing sex. During sex, Maya constantly asked her husband about her friend - how, how many times, what he felt, how she moaned … And it was important that she, Maya, was better than her friend - after all, he was with her! And then the memories were erased, the interest faded … Maya began to avoid intimacy, stopped getting excited, began to blame her husband … But then a miracle happened - her husband went on a business trip to Moscow for a month! Maya wrote him long messages in ICQ every day. Their lion's share was made up of fantasies that her husband was cheating on her and how exactly he does it. Guess what her husband told Maya when he returned? That's right, about his connection with his Moscow colleague. These sensations lasted for three months. And off it went … Now Maya says that they have an open marriage, that she is a democratic wife and allows her husband a lot. But everything is somehow boring, sluggish …

I invite Maya to tell me about sexual fantasies. In one of these fantasies, Maya is one of the concubines in the harem. The Sultan chooses her and several other girls to make love … He takes possession of Maya, while other girls kiss her, stroke her, look at her and admire her divine body … When Maya tells me about this, her eyes light up, she turns red and looks really included - for the first time in several meetings … This story could serve as a model for writing an analytical article about repressed homosexual attraction or malignant narcissism … I could analyze for a long time Maya's childhood, her relationship with her mother and father to understand that happened and why Maya is the way she is. But my task was to help Maya change what depresses her the most - boredom and routine in her sex life. How to do it? It is not easy … And here the understanding of the logic of our development comes to the rescue. The three main activities within which human development takes place are play, study and work. As a child, we play, study at school and college, and then work for the rest of our lives. Some people learn all their lives - and smart people also use other people's experience to avoid typical mistakes (fools, as you know, learn from their own). It is not shameful to study and work - although the attitude to study is not unambiguous, sometimes both family members and teachers look askance at adult students … But it seems like it is not appropriate for adults to play - time is for business, fun is an hour, and serious people are full of things to do … But it is in the game that children grow and develop - due to actions in imaginary situations, due to the substitution of some objects for others … It is in the game that the child's self-esteem and his thinking are formed. He learns the rules and norms of behavior, learns to build relationships with other people, evaluate himself, correlating with the rest of the participants in the game … In role-playing games, everyone has a certain role, which prescribes to behave in one way or another. This role is like a suit in a wardrobe: you may not wear it often, but it is there. Play is a unique way to play past and future in a safe situation … But adults do not play. They just become computer addicted, alcoholics, sex addicts and drug addicts. They sit all the time at work, posing as a "big evil boss" or "seductive sexy secretary." They don't take responsibility because they haven't grown up. And they didn’t grow up because NOT ENOUGH! That is why I began to develop the concept of sex play as an applied psychotechnology in family psychotherapy. This concept is based on the principle of consistency - there are no right and wrong, there is a couple who live in this way, and our task is to find the best way to make their life happier and more harmonious. The very first thesis that I rely on is this understanding of repressed needs for a couple.

Let's go back to Maya. What does Maya want from her husband? What needs are not being met? Obviously, Maya wants admiration; she wants to be seen by others (and therefore there is always a virtual "third" in their bed); she wants to win the competition (in her fantasy, the sultan chooses Maya from all women) … And, therefore, our task is to come up with a sexual game in which Maya could satisfy her needs. I presented my ideas and my understanding of the situation to Maya, and also offered to discuss everything with my husband and come to the next meeting together. The husband hesitated for two weeks, but the curiosity seemed to be stronger. And when, finally, they came together, the most difficult part of the work began … The husband - Vladimir - had no idea what his wife was feeling and what he wanted. He values marriage and relationships, but realizes that there is something wrong in these relationships. When it comes to his betrayal, he sincerely says that Maya is constantly pushing him to this - not directly, but indirectly … diagnostics, to clarify relations, to conclude an agreement between us. As a result, the spouses are ordered to play Maya's fantasy in reality. They came a week later, inspired. It turned out that the couple had a creative approach to the task. The husband bought several posters of nude beauties. When he came home in the evening, he locked himself in a room, and then went out and warned Maya that in an hour the Sultan would choose a woman for the night and that she needed to prepare. An hour later, he left the room in Mayin's bright robe and a Muslim headdress brought from Egypt. They, laughing, told how her husband felt Maya, then covered her face with a handkerchief and led her into the room. There he put her near the wall with freshly pasted posters, “chose” for a long time, and finally “chose” Maya. Embarrassed, she said that at that moment she was on fire with excitement … Their night was wonderful, they laughed a lot, because her husband periodically said in a silly "Georgian" voice: "Hey, beauties, if you don't please me, I'll kick it out and vasma with a dryuga. women! " From time to time he turned to the posters: "Gulchitay, you are next!" That night, Maya did not torment her husband with questions about other women - they were nearby. And then there were more games, and in these games she was the Other - not Maya, but a Moscow mistress, a casual companion on a train, a saleswoman in a store … This episode is just one illustration. Maya's problems are deep and painful, but she and her husband had important experiences. They were together, they talked to each other directly about what turns them on, they laughed and experimented. And they felt good - because sex is not work. Sex is a game.

Can this technology be used in pairs without the help of a psychologist? I think you can. What do I need to do?

Step 1: The couple must admit they have problems. Most often it happens that one spouse is not happy, and the other shrugs it off or, like an ostrich, hides his head “in the sand”. The spouse who is the “bearer of grievances” should choose the time and offer to discuss sex life. It is best to use a direct address: "I want to talk to you about …", "It is important for me to discuss our sexual relationship."

First, you need to relieve tension and refuse to blame your partner. For everything that happens in pairs, two are responsible. Therefore, it is advisable to tell your partner why you love him, appreciate him, and why you want to talk to him on such a delicate topic. “I value our relationship, you are a good husband. I respect you for…."

Next, you need to communicate how you see the current situation, without blaming your partner. It would be wrong to say: “You don’t want me”, “You deny me intimacy”, “You press me too often and demand sex, despite my reluctance”. You need to describe what is happening, systemically - not as your dissatisfaction with your partner, but as the state of your couple. What's the use of scolding a wheel when the car is not driving - it is better to fix it, because the whole system does not work as a whole, and not just the wheel. For example: “Our sexual relations have become rare lately. They do not have the fire that was before. We began to move away from each other and stopped…. " Or "There is a lot of violence and aggression in our sex life …"

It is important that your partner shares your point of view. It may happen that he will say: "No, everything is all right." Then try to rely on facts and convey to him what worries you.

If your partner starts blaming you, try to keep calm and tell him that no one is to blame - it just so happened, and you just suggest that he try to fix everything. If your partner agrees with you, you can move on.

Step 2: The couple should discuss how each of them sees the current situation. The main thing here is to start talking about the problem and try to hear your partner. It is good if the couple can use metaphors in a couple. For example: “Our sex life is like a cat dog. They cannot live without each other, but they constantly argue "- and then, perhaps the couple's problem is the struggle for power. Or “Our sex life is a desert. Almost nothing grows in it, everyone is waiting for rain … And yet there is an oasis in the desert …”Perhaps this couple lacks vital energy, vitality. “Our sex is like a hedgehog: you stroke it, and it pricks” - it seems that it is paired with the expression of love and aggression, and the bed is not the best place to fight

Unless, of course, this is a specially orchestrated war. For example, Katya and Vadim were very well-mannered and delicate - both in life and in bed. Their relationship was sugary-sugary, and dissatisfaction was expressed only in passive aggression (they "forgot" something important that another asked for; aesthetically ulcerated, etc.). To the question: "Why don't you directly tell each other about your dissatisfaction?" this refined couple was twisting. Once Katya said: "Only simple, uneducated people figure out relationships." Not aiming at “healing” them from snobbery, I tried to explain to the couple how their sex life suffers from suppression and containment of aggression. In the course of work, the game “Shepherd Vasily and his wife, the milkmaid Zina” was gradually born. Playing these characters, Katya and Vadim could directly express aggression. For example, in the role of Zina, Katya could shout at her husband, beat him with a plastic bucket, and even use profanity. Vadim in the role of Vasily had the opportunity to play his anger towards Katya's refusals and avoidance of intimacy. The couple with a laugh told how Vadim sternly said: “Do you have a headache? So what is your head to me, turn around and come on, work … "I will not give all that they finally managed to express to each other - but now they do not need this game, They have learned to speak directly about their dissatisfaction - and about their love … After all, love cannot be expressed when a lot of resentment and anger is withheld - a stone on the heart presses all other feelings.

Step 3: Everyone should realize what he lacks in sexual relations, or rather, what needs need to be satisfied. These are needs either to receive something (love, attention, tenderness, care, recognition, praise), or to express something (see above - plus discontent, resentment, etc.). Sometimes there is a need for experimentation, gaining new experience, getting closer to each other - or moving away from each other … And then it is important for the couple to decide whether they are ready to talk about it directly or do they need a special play environment?

Step 4. If the needs are realized, the couple is ready to work further, it is important to come up with a form of sexual play. In this case, you can use all the wealth from Russian folk tales to the masterpieces of world cinema

A married couple, in which the wife developed strong jealousy of her professor husband, was interested in changing the relationship. Relationships for 24 years of marriage became boring and routine, and they were diversified only by the scandals of the wife about the allegedly continuous adventures of her husband with students. His wife was jealous of young girls - while tyrannizing at home and controlling every step. The husband's sexual interest in this situation tended to zero, he avoided intimacy in every possible way, because this was the only way to take revenge for the humiliation that his wife subjected him to. In parallel with marital therapy, a sexual game called Retake Exam was created. In contrast to the usual situation in which the wife demanded intimacy, controlled her quality and subjected her to analysis and “evaluation,” in the game the “controlling stake” belonged to the husband. He was ordered on those days, when he deemed it necessary, to inform his wife in 30 minutes that she had a retake of the exam. The wife had to come to the office with a pen and paper, be humble, obedient and fully enter the role of a student. Since over the years the professor had heard enough from his wife of various fantasies about how he "takes" the exam, the ground was prepared. He “looked for cribs” in different places, demanded that his wife “thank her for a girlish grade” for a good grade, sent her to the next retake … And at the same time, they had sex every time.

Surprisingly, such games unleash the creative potential of the couple. Often, when fantasizing about something, people are afraid to share it with their partner. Anything is possible in sex games! You can transform into anyone - Bluebeard and his wife, Shrek and Fiona, Little Red Riding Hood and the Gray Wolf …

Step 5: Discussion. It is important not just to play - it is important to step out of the role and discuss the experience gained. How did the partners feel? What were the most exciting moments? Did you manage to express or get in the game what you couldn't before? And, most importantly, how to transfer this experience into everyday life?

Of course, sex play is not a panacea for all problems in a couple's relationship. But it is sexual games that allow a person, being in character, to become what he is afraid to be in reality - gentle, scandalous, rude, pliable … After all, when the sexual relations of a couple stiffen, life leaves them.

And, as you know, "our whole life is a game."

So while you're alive - play!