"Rag" And "henpecked": How To Return A Man To A "Man"

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Of course, there are men who have taken out from the parental family a role model in the form of a father constantly lying on the couch, or their male behavior model was not able to form due to the overly authoritarian upbringing of the mother and grandmother, or maybe because of their overprotection over him. … But even such men at the beginning of a relationship with a woman are full of desire to “move mountains” for her sake. And now it is the woman who, often without realizing it herself, strenuously "drives her man onto the sofa."

So how to build relationships with your husband, so as not to suppress his initiative, but, on the contrary, to support her and inspire her to manifest the male strategy of behavior.

First, let's look at the difference between these two types of men: "rag" and "henpecked". It is very important to understand this difference, because these two types differ significantly in their essence. Accordingly, the methods used by women to make men like this are also different.

"Rag" and "henpecked": what is the fundamental difference

A henpecked man is one who does not show initiative in anything on his own. The source of the initiative in all that he does is the woman. She gives him instructions, explains what, how and when he should do, controls the execution, insistently demands the execution of her orders, criticizes the man if he does something wrong. Naturally, she assigns the responsibility for the execution of her orders to the man.

A “rag” man is one who takes the initiative himself in many ways, but he himself almost never realizes his plans in practice. Instead, he consciously or unconsciously shifts the execution of his ideas, deeds, worries, the solution of his problems to the woman. The woman takes responsibility for what she has done. The role of such a woman in a relationship is more like the role of a guardian, nanny, mother for a man, and the role of a man is more like the role of a child or a disabled adult.

How women make men "henpecked"

The transformation of a man into a henpecked usually goes unnoticed. Moreover, it does not happen by chance. There are always "starting conditions" for this. On the one hand - a strong-willed wife, with a strong character, demanding and assertive, egocentric and ambitious, somewhat cynical and not tolerating competition. Often such women believe that men are not capable of anything, that she knows better what and how to do. Or a woman who, by all means, wants to be the main one in a relationship and is ready to fight with her husband for the right of primacy. On the other hand, there is a husband who succumbs to the influence of others, who is accustomed to giving in in everything, unable to withstand the pressure of his wife, who prefers to do as she demands, but not to argue and not to insist on his own. In a word, one can say about such a pair “they found each other”. Moreover, each of them in such a relationship can be quite comfortable, even constantly scandalous and conflicting.

The transformation of a husband begins with little things. The wife usurps the right to make the most harmless decisions on her own, without taking into account the opinion of her husband: what the family will eat for dinner, is it possible for the husband to watch football on TV, how to spend the weekend, how to spend the family budget … incl. and sex.

In such a relationship, in principle, there is nothing wrong if they suit both spouses. Everyone, as I have written more than once, chooses a person for himself. Potential "henpecked" and "tyrant" sooner or later find each other and create quite strong families.

However, if the husband is still sick of the role of "henpecked", he will leave such a wife for a woman who will give him the opportunity to feel like a real man.

It is worth noting that, having escaped from the influence of his tyrant wife, finding a woman who will not command him, he may refuse that the role of the head of the family will not be within his power, the burden of responsibility for the family is an unbearable burden. This happened in my practice more than once. Realizing that it is easier for him to be under the heel of a woman, such a man will either return back to his former wife, or find himself a new “commander”.

And so, with what specific actions a woman makes her husband a henpecked one:

- strives for the husband to abandon his point of view on any issue and recognize her opinion as the only correct one, his point of view is harshly criticized and recognized as incorrect, the husband is always wrong about everything

- determines to the husband what, when and how he should do; if he begins to do something himself, the result of his actions is criticized by his wife, she focuses on his mistakes and oversights

- manifestations of initiative by her husband run up against her resistance, she forbids him to make decisions without agreeing with him, to take action without her "signal", she secures the right of initiative to herself alone

- the wife does not coordinate her decisions, actions with her husband, does not consult with him, confronts him with a fact

- only the wife manages the family budget, gives the husband pocket money and controls them

- if in any situation the interests of the husband and wife collide, the wife strives to ensure that the outcome is always in her interests, the interests of the husband do not matter to her

- She shifts most of the family problems, household chores onto the shoulders of her husband, but only in terms of direct execution; what, how and when the husband should do, the wife decides

- in public, even in the circle of close people, the wife speaks on behalf of the family as a whole, and on behalf of the husband in particular, she equates her opinion with the opinion of the whole family

- in public makes unflattering statements about his husband, humiliates him in front of strangers, ridicules, belittles his role as a family member, in every possible way emphasizes his primacy in relationships before others.

How to return to the henpecked man's qualities and behavior strategies

Step 1. Self-awareness of oneself as a wife and a woman

If you do not want to turn into a “tyrant” at home, and make your husband a “rag”, if you are tired of your husband’s lack of initiative, then it’s time to look at yourself critically and think about the following questions. The main thing in this process is to be honest with yourself.

And so, answer yourself honestly:

Why did you get married at all? What was your goal? Why did you choose this particular man as your husband?

What does the feeling of superiority over your husband mean to you personally? What does it give you? What will you lose if this feeling goes away? What feelings will you have for your husband if you stop feeling superior to him?

Are you ready to recognize your husband as a person entitled to your opinion, your needs and desires? What prevents you from returning these rights to him? What will happen to your relationship if you return these rights to your husband?

What makes you think that you are the one who understands all matters and matters better than your husband? What can confirm that your husband can make the right decisions and do the right things on his own?

What do you get for yourself personally, showing and telling others that your husband is a worthless person, but you are the head of the family and pull everything on yourself? If not in such a role, then in what other role could you position yourself as a successful, intelligent, strong woman, wife and mother?

Is your model of behavior with your husband copied from the family model of your parents or relatives? Why do you think this family model is right for you? What kind of relationship with your husband would you really like?

If, after answering the questions above, you are willing to admit:

- the husband has the right to his point of view on certain issues, but personally you cannot be competent in everything and therefore you cannot be right in everything

- the right of priority of his needs over yours, the general needs of the family over their personal

- he can independently, without prejudice to the family, make decisions and implement them

- publicly praise the husband for his decisions and achievements, then you are ready to recognize your husband as a mature person, capable of taking on the function of the head of the family. And now you will find even more difficult, but extremely necessary work on yourself and your relationship with your husband: self-control, motivation and support of your husband, giving up the usual ways of interacting with your husband, developing and consolidating new ways of interaction to the level of habit.

Step 2. Reconfiguring interaction with your husband

The hardest thing for realizing oneself in the role of a woman and a wife who does not dominate her husband is to understand, if not as before, then how to behave with her husband. And this is really hard, because the worked out algorithms of interaction are firmly fixed in the mind and are reproduced automatically. And yet, the algorithms need to be rewritten and refined to automatism. And so, if not as before, then how to communicate with your husband so as not to make him a henpecked one:

1. When there is a need to do something about the housework from the category of "men's work", the wife just needs to inform her husband about the problem. Precisely to inform, not to indicate, not to "poke your nose." And ask him to fix the problem.

2. Provide him with the opportunity to independently determine when he will eliminate it, in what way. If the husband does not begin to fix the problem, then inform him about the inconveniences that you and the family as a whole are experiencing because of this problem. It is important not to scold for inaction, not to set deadlines, not to demand.

3. If the husband feels insecure in his ability to cope with the problem that has arisen, postpones its solution, unobtrusively offer him alternative options. For example, it may look like this: "What if you try like this …?", "What do you think, but if you do it like this …?" ? ". At the same time, never put other men and yourself as an example for him.

4. Always express support for your husband in this or that issue, in this or that case. Tell him that he will definitely cope with the problem, that you believe in him, that he is the best you have.

5. If in the process of solving the problem the husband does not succeed, subtly give him ideas on how to do it better. Instill in him the confidence that he will definitely find a way out of the situation. Do not scold or humiliate him for mistakes and mistakes. Tell him that if he is a little more attentive, thinks better, then he will definitely succeed.

6. Always praise him for decisions made and problems fixed. Be generous with encouragement and praise. Celebrate his achievements, even the smallest ones, publicly. Especially in front of people who are significant to him.

7. Do not let others humiliate and insult your man, especially in your presence.

8. Encourage his initiative, instill in him confidence, discuss together the solution of certain issues. Even if he, having taken the initiative, did something wrong, do not scold him or humiliate him. Give time and opportunity to fix everything. Then praise him and show your respect for him.

9. If your desires and needs collide, for example, what to watch on TV, where to go on the weekend, try to find a compromise or yield to your husband 50% of the time.

10. When discussing certain family issues, always listen to your husband. If you do not agree with his point of view, then argue yours. If he's right, admit it to him. Praise him for thinking sanely, show your respect for that.

Here are the basic rules for restructuring the interaction between husband and wife in families where the wife, with her authority and imperiousness, has made the husband a henpecked one. Try to consistently follow these rules, and your husband will again become a strong, strong-willed person, capable of moving mountains for you and your family, crossing oceans and even "killing the green serpent."

How women make a "rag" out of men

In contrast to the male "henpecked" men who do everything themselves, but "from under the stick" of their wives, the "rags" men do nothing. Instead of them, the wife does everything. At least most of the cases that he initiated himself. How does it happen that a man in a family shifts all tasks onto the shoulders of his wife?

Usually, as in the situation with a henpecked man, everything happens imperceptibly. And for this format of family relationships, there are also some "starting conditions". A wife is a strong, proactive, kind, caring, attentive woman who surrounds loved ones with care, always ready to help, prone to self-sacrifice, putting the interests of loved ones above her own. The husband is a proactive person, but lazy, perhaps not very confident in himself, not inclined to take risks, with a somewhat low self-esteem, creative and creative, sometimes dreamy and superstitious. He is more of a “generator of ideas” than an embodiment of them.

When expressing his ideas to his wife about this or that, he often expresses uncertainty that he will be able to master his plan. He often laments his failures, seeking support and sympathy from his wife. He complains to her about his problems, outlining options for getting out of them, but immediately doubts that he can cope with them. The wife, as a woman, always ready to help her husband in everything, instead of supporting and encouraging her husband, begins to solve his problems herself. She is looking for a new job for him, she finds out the relationship with the one who offended him, she asks for a promotion for her husband at work, she "resolves" his conflicts with others …. She does everything for him herself. It is quite natural that the husband gets only one thing - to lie quietly on the couch, without worries and hassles, without undue stress solving his problems with her hands.

And in such a relationship, both spouses can also feel quite comfortable. Probably until the wife gets tired of pulling everything on herself. The moment a wife realizes that her husband is no longer the same man - active, full of ideas, promising - as he was before and how she liked him, usually becomes a turning point for the family. The wife either “throws off” this burden, parting with her husband, or begins to behave like despotic women who have turned their husbands into “henpecked”. A rare woman will leave everything as it is and will continue to live with such a man for many years.

Looking back at her past, at those relationships that were at the beginning of marriage, a woman can come to the conclusion that then she was motivated not by a feeling of love for her husband, but by a feeling of pity, compassion and empathy. Judging by my practice of working with married couples, women who have come to exactly this conclusion are not in the mood to preserve their family and rebuild their format of interaction with their spouses. However, if she loves her husband, then it is this feeling that helps her to go along the path of restructuring relations with him.

How to interact with your husband so as not to make a "rag" out of him

The first step to changing the format of interaction with your husband will be a critical analysis of your behavior and the perception of your husband. Without realizing that by her hyper-care and over-care of her husband, the wife makes him weak and passive, and burdens herself with those deeds and worries that she should not bear, nothing will change in the relationship. She does not so much help her husband as prevent him from showing himself as a man, breadwinner and breadwinner, support and protection of the family and herself.

She will need to clearly define the boundaries of her interference in her husband's affairs. To clearly outline the range of issues in which she will not take part, will completely give them to her husband. You will also need to determine the range of issues in which she will be limited only to advice, recommendations, expressing her opinion, support and approval. This is the second step.

The third step is realizing your readiness to move from active concern in these matters to passive help and support. This will require accepting the fact that her husband may well cope with many problems without her direct involvement. For example, that he himself will be able to find a new job or a part-time job, he will be able to “dot the i's” with his ex-wife on the issue of alimony, he will be able to find an electrician himself to repair the wiring, etc. In other words, the wife will need to learn to see in her husband a man who can solve quite simple and even not the simplest problems without her intervention.

The fourth step will require developing a new algorithm for communicating with your husband. The wife will need to determine for herself "if not as before, then exactly how I should act in such a situation in order to motivate my husband to do it himself." And, having developed new algorithms, new models of behavior, start to consolidate them in practice. Perhaps, more than once she will have to pull herself, stop, restrain herself from the desire to repeat the previous model of behavior. Motivating, inspiring and instilling confidence in her husband will be her main task, instead of doing everything for him. If she succeeds, her husband will cease to be only a “generator of ideas”, but will also be their embodiment.