HUNGERING GAMES: Thirst For Love

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Another post inspired this article. And it will talk about the thirst for love, attention and care.

Of course, all people have a need to feel their need, their love and importance. When the need is not satisfied, thirst, hunger appears. I'll give you an example.

You know that a person needs an average of 2 liters of water a day for well-being, for health, proper metabolism, excretion of salts, etc. Imagine that you are in the desert and your daily dose of water has been reduced to a couple of sips. And then there is no water at all! At first it will be tolerant, but after that thirst will prevail. Intolerable, unbearable, all-consuming. All thoughts will be directed only to this thirst, only to how to quench it.

And so, wandering in the desert, you stumble upon an oasis with clean drinking water. You will rush to the reservoir like an animal, fall to your knees, greedily swallow, sip from your hands. You will drink to the point of nausea, to the point of clouding your mind. How will it look from the outside? Not very aesthetically pleasing … But you won't care, because you can finally quench your thirst!

Now let's translate this example into the need for love and attention. For example, for normal development and excellent health, a child needs 100 conventional units of love per day. But parents give…. 24. Or 15. Or do not give at all. The child develops a thirst worse than the one in the desert due to lack of water. And as he grows, matures, he begins to look for the very "oasis" where you can quench this thirst. That is, a person who will give this love for the parents-debtors.

And now, an adult already has a RELATIONSHIP. One appears who has declared his love and desire to take care of this hungry partner. And he is ready to give out those very 100 conventional units of love and attention per day. This tariff includes, say: one phone call asking "how are you, what's new, how are you feeling?" Different people have a different package of tenderness and "goodies".

But we remember that we are talking about a hungry person! And he, in order to satisfy this thirst for love, does not need $ 100. love, but 250! And then claims begin that:

- you call a little!

- I feel like you don't give a damn about me!

- You only think about yourself!

- work / friends / parents / computer are more important to you than me!

etc.

Moreover, the hungry partner sincerely considers all these claims to be quite reasonable. After all, he feels the same hunger! Thirst for love and attention! It can't be that he thought it up, got it wrong! After all, feelings do not deceive!

What does he feel at the same time:

- suffering, a feeling of emptiness when a partner is not around;

- strong melancholy, inability to go about your business, yourself;

- jealousy;

- the reaction of anger, indignation at the partner's desire to spend time with other people, to do work or their previous hobbies (fishing, hiking, windsurfing, woodcarving, etc.);

- physical ailments when a partner moves away, sometimes up to withdrawal;

- the desire to always be there, merge, complete unity and all-consuming attention. Round the clock.

And the partner who honestly tried to give his 100 conventional units of love (and he doesn't have more, he doesn't work out so much!), Begins to slowly, on the sly, collect things in a suitcase. Because he simply cannot feed such a hungry sweetheart!

At first, the partner begins to move away more and more, visit friends more often, go to his parents or to his apartment, go into virtual games, into alcohol. There are more and more claims. And then there is a separation, a divorce. The "unfit partner" feels deeply indebted and this feeling is unbearable. After all, he also knows that, as a decent person, he gave out his daily dose of love and attention. As much as he had. But he turned out to be around to blame and, in general, a bad passion!

This is how the painful need to be loved, to receive attention, approval, and acceptance manifests itself. Rather, the very need to be loved is quite normal and healthy. It takes a painful form with prolonged frustration, emotional deprivation.

Sometimes "starving" clients admit that during especially "hungry" periods, they want to "gobble" their partner, swallow him up. Merge with him, become one whole, absorb. To be with him around the clock, so that only the two of them are left in the whole world. "Just you and me". Everything else - let it be the background. In a milder form, this manifests itself in a constant desire for the closeness of a partner: hugs, physical presence nearby, within sight and reach. When reaching is impossible (a partner, for example, at work), there is a feeling of longing, emptiness, apathy, lack of energy and desire to go about one's business.

The same partners who are in a relationship with the "starving" complain: "No matter how much I give, no matter what I do, this is always not enough for her (him), it is always not enough!"

Of course, we are talking about codependent relationships. This kind of painful attachment is emotional dependence on a partner.

The question naturally arises: "What to do with this?"

First, it is worth recognizing this pathological attachment, its painful form. Sometimes people cover up emotional dependence with more euphonious concepts: strong, deep love, passion. To solve a problem, first it is worth recognizing this very problem. Recognize the fact of your addiction, realize your hunger, your thirst. Realize its morbidity and environmental friendliness.

Secondly, you need to want to do something about it. The fact of recognition of the problem is not always accompanied by a desire to change the situation. Strong resistance, shifting responsibility may be involved. Here you need to understand that solving the problem of your hunger will take time, you will have to devote your attention, resources (strength, energy) to this. This is a definite work on oneself.

Further, under such hunger is hidden a whole "layer cake" of suppressed feelings and experiences: fear of rejection, guilt, shame, self-doubt, suffering, loneliness. In the body, it can feel like emptiness. Or often comes the association with a black hole, like a vacuum inside.

These feelings require recognition, awareness and living. I must admit to myself: yes, I am very afraid of being abandoned (tym), afraid of loneliness. I feel guilty, ashamed of who I am. I don't feel confident in myself. I really want to feel love from other people, but I don't love myself. I am hurt, scared and lonely.

You can write down your experiences, you can draw them in the form of images. You can pronounce it aloud, record it on a dictaphone, keep a diary. You can shout, get angry, swear, cry. Of course, this should be done in solitude so that no one is distracted.

If there is a reliable person, unbiased, who will be ready to withstand this emotional flurry, then great, you can talk to him. This role can be played by a psychologist.

Feelings will unfold in layers and, rather, not in one sitting. It will take time. Memories can go back far into the past, into their childhood and run into resentment towards their parents. Genuine forgiveness and letting go of these grievances, acceptance of the past as part of your experience, is possible only after total living. Give yourself the right to all the feelings you will experience. Allow yourself any emotions, no matter how wrong, inappropriate and indecent they may seem. Allow yourself any manifestations of yourself.

In a codependent relationship, the boundaries between oneself and another person are blurred. A false, incorrect image of yourself and your partner is being built. That is, the next stage will be the return of your integrity, a new delineation of your boundaries, the definition of where I end and My Partner begins. What I like and what I don't. What I want and what I don't want. That I love.

Separate yourself from your partner. Sometimes you can hear something like "we love classical music" or "we prefer Japanese cuisine." Whereas before this relationship, preferences were very different. We'll have to redefine where I am and where the other is. What I love and what HE loves. Where is my space, where are my tastes, principles, ideals, views, my needs, desires, wishes, where are my interests. Figuratively speaking, disassemble "we" and reassemble "I" and "He".

Contact with your true self can be painful. Because from the beautiful and proud "We" fragments of its own personality fall. It's like a mosaic that you have to collect. And not all fragments will seem beautiful. We will have to accept OUR qualities, which in a merging relationship could be transferred to a partner (projected onto him). In fact, getting to know yourself again, getting to know your real self. Study yourself, explore, experiment. Be curious about yourself. Who am I? What I want? What I like? Why am I reacting this way? Why do I feel this way? Why do I behave this way and not otherwise? Do I like this smell? I wonder if I will like this movie? What if you tried that new pie over there? Watch yourself. Contemplate without judgment.

When the idea of oneself is formed, the process of acceptance begins. And after acceptance is love. Love for oneself, for manifestations of oneself. Respect for your feelings and desires comes. And then it becomes possible to give those very units of love that were not picked up in childhood on their own. There is a desire to take care of their interests. The need for personal space (!), Which was inconceivable before, wakes up.

And when contact with the true self is found, only then is contact with the true other possible. True intimacy and love is possible when both partners are whole, and not dissolved in each other. When I separate myself from him. Then I see the other not in myself, but from the side, as if stepping aside a little. But it is THEN that the RELATIONSHIP begins.