Should I Forgive My Parents?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Recently I started a new project: a therapy group about childhood for adults. I share some thoughts about. Travel notes

"Every noble child justifies his parents"

I often hear variations on the theme from clients: "Mom didn't know how else," "Dad could not do otherwise, he tried so hard for us" and (the worst thing) "It was my own fault." A child, like any system, strives for balance (remember about homeostasis from biology?) And, in order to find it, being in a state of resentment, powerlessness, he seeks balance in different explanations, in giving meaning. How much vitality it takes to reconcile the irreconcilable, to fit the parents' behavior into the norm, smoothing out, forgetting, explaining!

I'm getting close to the dangerous thought that you shouldn't forgive your parents. More precisely, it is not necessary to forgive their actions. Violence and indifference cannot be forgiven. It is not okay to justify a child being ashamed, blamed, and intimidated.

Forgiving is adjusting, getting used to, forgetting. Stop resisting. Surrender. And at this time to lose, or, in professional terms, to displace a huge amount of feelings and energy. For example, anger at parents, resentment, the ability to understand what I want and get what I want.

I will return to the postulate about striving for balance. An adult who has forgiven his parents for their actions or inaction resembles a seemingly happy and careless person, behind whom a sack of stones tied to his body is dragged along. It's hard to drag. And the balance is disturbed, the bag outweighs. And then a person begins to distribute stones to others to be thrown at him or throws them at himself. The bag becomes lighter for a while, an illusion of balance appears. Well, and then their stones are collected back, in their bag….

"When I was little, my mother paid little attention to me. But I understand her. My dad left her, she needed to build a personal life. I would never forgive myself if my mother remained single. I was 5 years old when I was already I could do everything myself. I went to the store, warmed my soup. I never cried and my mother praised me for it, said that I was big! I even stayed the night alone. True, I was terribly scared, but I didn’t complain. Of course, I’m not offended by Mom! Such a mother should be erected! She tried for me. I forgave her a long time ago …"

I suppose that there is fear, guilt, pain, resentment in the "bag".

"You know, my husband and I were not lucky. He, of course, is good. But I have a feeling that he blamed everything on me. I do everything. I work, I cook, and I take the children away - I take them away. And at work it is not very good. that I work there for everyone, but nothing in return"

Remember balance? Stones are handed out to be thrown again: husband, colleagues and boss at work. And again the same feelings. Or even with stones in yourself:

"This is of course my own fault. I have to be more active, try myself, but I always do not everything like that."

And if we return to objective reality? It is not normal for a five-year-old to be without parents. It is not normal that it is living an adult life. It is scary and painful to be alone at home for the night, to be horrified and not even able to tell someone about it. It should not be! There is no explanation for this! Such indifference cannot be justified or forgiven. You can't do that with children!

"You can't do that with me," - at first in a weak, and then in a more confident voice, the girl says, - "IT IS NOT POSSIBLE WITH ME!"

And the balance is restored. You no longer need to hide your childish fear and try to convince others that everything is fine with me. There is a normal, healthy anger at the husband and the intention to share responsibilities with him. Guilt disappears for my mother's disorder in her personal life, and frees her from guilt in the present, which forced her to take on all the work.

There is still much work ahead. And it doesn't start with forgiveness.