The Habit Of Running Away

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

As long as Mila remembered herself, she always fled. Even as a child, not having prepared for the test on the hated mathematics - she complained of abdominal pain and stayed at home. Starting to meet with young people, she first endured what she did not like about them - as much as she could - and then silently disappeared without explaining anything. The very thought of a possible conflict was unbearable to her. In the work collective - at meetings and when making strategic decisions, she was silent, and it even seemed to her that she agreed with everything. But after a while Mila realized that she again endured what she didn’t like and decided to leave. At 35, Mila did not have a family, was unhappy with her next job, complained of constant apathy and dissatisfaction with herself.

The habit of running away - it is a protective mechanism of the psyche that allows you to avoid unpleasant experiences. When it is activated, the person either physically leaves the situation, unable to withstand the stress, or remains in the situation, but does everything possible so as not to emotionally be included in it.

How do you recognize avoidance?

If a person has a tendency to run away, he will use this protection in a variety of circumstances. As a rule, in his life there is not one, but several of the points proposed below.

1. Physical withdrawal from the situation … During a conversation that touches on painful aspects of the relationship, the person immediately runs to the toilet. In therapy, a situation of resistance to therapy is often encountered. Having approached a painful topic, the client quits going to a psychologist under any pretext. He does not realize that the real reason lies in the unwillingness to come into contact with emotions, with something important to him, but explains his departure by some external reasons. A partner who wants to end the relationship, but is afraid to say so and simply disappears.

2. Late arrivals … Very often the reason for being late is the unwillingness to come into contact with something. A new team or an unfamiliar situation in which you still need to adapt, some rituals at the beginning of the event that you don't really like, possible close contact with someone who is unpleasant. In therapy groups, again, this is very common. There is tension and anxiety associated with the discovery of something new in oneself, something that he did not know about himself. And the inevitable collision with feelings, sometimes very difficult.

3. Chattering … Verbosity, the use of indefinite words, abstractions. When you listen to such a person, there is a feeling of loss of meaning and an inner question: "What does he want to say by this?" Too many details take away from the main thing and allow you not to touch on painful topics.

4. Conversation translation on a different topic. Jumping from topic to topic. A person answers a question with a question. It does not answer the question that was asked, but modifies it internally so that the very meaning of the question is distorted.

5. Avoiding eye contact … People look to the side, at the floor. Looking into the eyes, as a rule, gives rise to experiences in people that may seem intolerable for someone. Another modification of this mechanism is when a person looks into the eyes, but is not "present." He blocks all his feelings and he doesn't care what happens. The physical shell is present, but emotionally he is absolutely inaccessible.

6. Silence … For example, a woman initiates a conversation with her husband about problems of concern to her in their relationship. The husband remains physically with her and even listens to her, but does not say anything. He does not want to come into contact with the feelings that the words of his wife evoke in him and closes. When a lot of feelings have accumulated between the spouses, but it is very scary to open this "Pandora's box", it is easier to reduce all interaction to everyday issues such as: "Please pass me the salt." And the really important questions are hushed up. At the same time, each of the spouses accumulates tension inside.

7. The presence of secrets and secrets … Inability to share some embarrassing information. Some families have taboo topics that are not discussed. For example, about the war, the hard trials that befell the older generation, about feelings, about love, about sex. A person living in such an atmosphere inside feels lonely. He is forced to split himself in two. The one that can (and safely) be shown and the one that needs to be hidden from everyone. And even with the closest people you cannot share. There is no need to talk about acceptance, trust and sincerity in such families.

8. Care for gadgets … In order not to come into contact with unpleasant feelings, people go to the virtual space. From the outside, this behavior is read as: "I am bored and not interested in what is happening here." And it can give rise to reciprocal cooling or even aggression.

9. Destination offset … The avoidance mechanism does not allow the person to directly clarify the situation with the one who is causing the feelings. A woman complains to her friend about her husband instead of directly telling him that she is offended in his behavior. Telling a friend is safer - there is no risk of encountering the husband's feelings in return. And emotions partly go out and the tension subsides. But this kind of stress relief does not solve the problem itself. At most, a friend can advise some way to react to her husband's behavior, making him an object of influence, and not an equal partner.

10. Procrastination, procrastination. Avoiding the fulfillment of the assumed obligations, encountering possible difficulties.

11. Dependencies: alcoholic, food, shopaholism, gambling addiction. If there is some kind of experience or deficiency, and there is no way to satisfy it directly. And a person chooses an indirect way through addiction. Any addiction has an element of avoidance.

12. Disease care … For example, on the eve of the wife's birthday, on which she wants special attention to herself, the husband gets sick.

13. Violation of agreements … With this manifestation of avoidance goes hand in hand with the inability to say no. Which most often stems from ignorance of oneself. A person agrees to something under the influence of the moment or in order not to offend. And then, after a lapse of time, he realizes that these agreements do not suit him. Instead of re-negotiating or directly talking about it, he prefers to "disappear".

14. Extreme manifestation - suicideas a way to avoid difficult feelings and situations.

What if you find yourself with an avoidance mechanism?

It is important to see all the pros and cons of having it. The importance of this protection is undoubted in the fact that sometime in childhood it was found by a child and helped him to survive. There and then, perhaps, this was the only way available to the child to somehow change the situation of danger or discomfort. But times have changed, and an adult has much more opportunities to influence his life. And the habitual avoidance mechanism forces him to give up and leave where he can transform and make the situation more comfortable or useful for himself.

Missed opportunities, broken relationships, difficulties in a career and other achievements, fear of contact with others and "putting on the brakes" of conflicts, as a result - low satisfaction with life and a lot of regret that did not work out.

The first step is admitting to yourself that running away isn't always the best solution. Sometimes it's worth staying and seeing what happens.

One can observe how the anxiety builds up and the desire to run appears. Observing, but not acting habitually. Observe and stay.

Then you can decide to experiment. Try to consciously do what you ran away from before. Maintain eye contact a little longer than usual. Saying "this doesn't work for me" instead of habitually agreeing to fulfill someone's request. Talk to your loved one about what is really important to you. Or tell someone "what you can't talk about."

You can take back control of your actions instead of automatic avoidance by separating this defense mechanism from yourself. In any situation, you have a choice - to get out of contact as usual, or to take risks and try a new way of acting. This does not exclude the possibility of getting out of the situation when this exit is really justified. And it will bring more benefits not only tactically, but also strategically.