2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
This is about where it comes from - "it is more important to have a reputation than to be" (fear of evaluating others). And why we are sick with this, and not that. And where are such problems in the relationship
There is always some mystery at the heart of family pathology. People are dominated by the importance of information that has been devalued in order to protect themselves from strong experiences. A family secret distorts the relationship of family members with each other and with the world. Therefore, everything that does not fall under the comme il faut standard is ruthlessly deleted from the list of events.
What are these secrets? Not long ago, tuberculosis was not much less scandalous than leprosy, and epilepsy was a serious obstacle to career or marriage. If there was a mentally ill or mentally retarded relative in the family, then this fact was often "deleted" from the pedigree. Abortions, miscarriages and silence on deaths add up to the storeroom of history.
The more difficult and "indecent" themes of incest and child abuse, the more people tried to shove them away into the closet to other less scandalous family skeletons. The topic of alcoholism is also not very customary to discuss at the family table. Because of the feeling of guilt, relatives try to “forget” the incidents of rape, murder and suicide.
The problem is that if you keep silent about something, the emotional content of the secret does not cease to exist. IT turns into a baton of the genus, which is passed from hand to hand. If you close your eyes to SOMETHING, this does not at all mean that SOMETHING is destroyed without a trace.
How is the baton passed on if everything is already forgotten, and those who knew died? To forget is, again, to send to distant bins of memory, and not to erase forever.
Everyone has heard about DNA, but it is still not thoroughly known what a variety of information is contained there. There is an assumption that in the form of some code, the secret is transmitted from ancestor to descendant - in the form of archived knowledge, burdened with shame.
We are pushing some facts into the background so as not to suffer. What's the bottom line? The secret manifests itself and repeats itself in the family until it is recognized and realized. If the secret is not pulled out of the bins, one of the descendants gets, for example, schizophrenia. Because the split of reality into explicit and implicit becomes too painful and unbearable for the race. This is a kind of family payment for silence.
The habit of playing, holding a face and suppressing sincere feelings is passed down from generation to generation. Family members (when they still remember) deny the problem and engage in conspiracy so that others would not guess about it. Carrying such a "buried" burden, children continue the tradition of adults. And be afraid to let others know you.
The child grows, the family secret does not loosen its grip, and the isolation it creates encourages the owner to create other secrets. They refer to attempts, mostly hopeless, to find love and overcome this terrible feeling of loneliness. Then the running around in a circle begins. Workaholics and owners of a hundred friends occupy every hour of their time so that, God forbid, the extra information squeak does not disturb. The most common saying of the owner of the secret is "I'm afraid to stop."
For everyone who runs. Ask yourself - from what?
The search for personal happiness and successful professional realization with such self-suppression is very difficult. It is unrealistic to be sincere in an activity or in a relationship, keeping a fig in your pocket. Mystery, like an invisible weight on the legs of a prisoner, interferes with movement and development.
While a person is in the system of lies, he has weak differentiation, little vital energy and creative potential is blocked. “As if something is slowing me down all the time. I get tired quickly. " The inner resource of the bearer of secrets, out of fear of being rejected, is spent on hiding what society denies
The habit of squeezing the head into the shoulders is transmitted even when the reason for such behavior is completely repressed from consciousness. This is just a copy of the father's stoop or the sad expression in the mother's eyes.
When the mystery has gone into the unconscious, the matter becomes more complicated. He or she will find situations and relationships to bump his forehead on the rake that the ancestors buried. Rejection will come from the outside to the owner of the strangled "ugly" story, if the courage does not come to start looking for the "forgotten" fact within the family system.
Emotionally deaf partners will wake up the very center of pain, plunging them into a vacuum of loneliness. This is a chance. Feel the pain, and then in an attempt to shout to another, the owner of the secret can hear its content. And this torture will continue until the painful episode of family history is realized.
Diseases are what your secrets are. They can even cause cancer if malignant enough. And the place of pain will be a clue where to look for the roots of the problem. As long as there is the silence of the lambs, that is, agreement with their sacrifice. And if there is an agreement, then what claims can there be against this cruel and unjust world? It is only a reflection of our inner content, where something has the right to life, and something does not.
Secrets lose their power when they are told.
Based on Healing Pluto's Problems by Donna Cunningham.
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