Why Is Codependency Needed?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The answer to this question can be given in one sentence. Codependency is essential to relieve mental stress. Yes exactly. You can, of course, say that codependency itself causes tension, but our psyche follows the path of greater benefit. We can say that our psyche is only interested in satisfying our needs, and what will happen later to a much lesser extent.

Quite often, with codependency, there is anxiety. Anxiety about myself (how am I without him / her) anxiety about the object with whom codependency (what will he / she do without me). It is an object, since in codependency, another person (husband, wife, child, brother, sister, and so on) acts as an object. In fact, all the anxiety for oneself. For myself in the past, present and future.

In order to somehow reduce anxiety, there is often a desire to control. But, unfortunately, whatever the control, it does not help "save". Usually he only causes discontent and aggression. The other person does not feel caring under control, he perceives it as violence and pressure. If you really want to ruin your relationship with your child and his life, start to tightly control him. Joke as a joke, but it really happens.

Why is hypercontrol useful? Nothing! If we try to control an addicted person from his pernicious addiction, then this gives absolutely nothing. Except, of course, everyone's tension in this action. Relationships are deteriorating, the quality of life of the codependent is deteriorating. So in one couple, the husband tried to control his wife's alcohol use. Dropped from work at the slightest suspicion, gave up hobbies and friends. As a result: no friends, no hobbies, only in therapy he was fired from five jobs, his whole life is subject only to control whether his wife drinks or not. It is the desire to control the life of another that pushes us to try to control the “patient”.

But as long as we think that the other person is “sick” and become codependent and get involved in this game, nothing will change. It is advantageous for one to run away, for another to catch up. It seems that everything is "in action" and life is filled with meaning, but there is no sense in it. And this game will continue until someone leaves the chain. Only by stopping you can at least change something.

When parents overprotect and control the child too much, they only transmit anxiety and fear to the child, but in no way protect him from life's difficulties. Yes, this is done, as it seems, out of love for the child, but in fact it only does harm. In this case, the child becomes only a container for an adult's anxieties and fears. Whether this is done consciously or unconsciously, it is the child who is under maximum pressure. What does the child want? He just wants security and love.

Often the control is of such a nature that it simply becomes pathological. Try to feel what was with you if you were called every five minutes and asked where you are and what you are doing. Obviously it won't be fun. It may even deprive you of all independence and freedom.

Often this is exactly what the codependent himself needs to do, to make the other helpless, to completely take power into his own hands. To be the only one who controls the life of the person who is dependent. Most likely, such a person also hurts as someone who is addicted and also needs to run away from this inner pain. Only this escape is not with the help of alcohol, drugs or something else, but with the help of dependence on another person. Yes, the codependent is actually addicted himself.

It is difficult for both of them to get out of this relationship. After all, no matter how both suffer, there is a benefit for both. Yes, it's hard to live in such a relationship, but our unconscious is of little interest. But this does not mean that you should not look for reasons and change your real ones.