Romance With Yourself

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

When in our very changeable and with a crazy pace of life there is an opportunity to meet ourselves, see ourselves as a unique creature, devote time to ourselves? Most often this happens only when life changes abruptly, when without this meeting with ourselves we cannot move on, only then, unfortunately, we find this time for ourselves. So it was with Alena. Only the need to move on, to experience the end of the relationship, gave her the opportunity to start an affair with herself.

Alena and Sergei turned to me with a desire to understand their relationship, decide whether they should continue to be together further or it was time to part. In the course of these consultations, Alena said that she loves Sergei, but at the same time does not feel comfortable in this relationship: she feels anxiety when they are silent together and are not busy with anything, she does not enjoy watching films with him, although she easily did it in other respects, she does not have the feeling that she can trust him and is ready to create a family with him, to give birth to a child. And what is there? There is a very strong feeling towards Sergei. Sergei wanted to understand what is the reason for Alena's frequent grievances against him. He was already tired of guessing what else could hurt her and adjust to her expectations, can this be changed?

N: What keeps you together? What do you get from the relationship?

Alena: I love him. This feeling arose when I saw him for the first time. It was in the park, he was a dancer, and I couldn't leave. Rather, I left, but then I left the friends with whom I came to the park and returned to the area where he danced. I met him and signed up for a dance lesson. Then I went to lessons, studied several times a week, I did not succeed in everything right away, I was angry with myself, but then I was able to take part in the studio's performances. And after a while our romance began.

N: How do you feel in this relationship?

Alena: Sometimes I feel very good, but often he reproaches me that I am more like a boy, he does not feel a real woman next to him. He doesn't like the way I dress, he wants me to wear more dresses and less jeans. I stopped doing things that were interesting to me. I tried to meet his expectations and the requirements that he put forward. True, we often have conflicts. Especially these conflicts are due to his interest in other women.

Sergey: Alena very often takes offense at me, and I don't even understand why, I'm tired of guessing what else will be wrong. She does not plan with me joint actions that we would do in order to be able to live together. I want to understand if it is possible to create a family with her or our relationship is better to end.

Listening to this couple, I got the impression that each of them does not know the boundaries of their responsibility in the relationship, and for what they are responsible together

I had questions: Do the feelings of the other relate to my responsibility? Can I guess, and should I, what feelings this or that behavior of mine will cause in my partner? And do I always have to build my behavior in accordance with this?

Normally, a person's feelings relate specifically to his territory, obey his responsibility. I cannot know and predict what feelings and experiences this or that behavior will cause in my partner, how he will react to this behavior.

Of course, the longer we are in a relationship, the more we are together, the more I learn about my partner and I can know what feelings he has about my behavior, but this does not mean that I am responsible for these feelings. Only the person himself can experience these feelings, and therefore influence them, control the degree of their manifestation outside, do something in order for the feelings to change. But often in partnerships, interaction is built in such a way that as if the partner is responsible for what the second is experiencing, and makes the second change his behavior.

Sergey: I do not believe what Alena says about her feelings, that it is difficult for her to ask for help from anyone, even from me. - Saying this, Sergei grins.

N: Alena found it hard to admit that she could not ask for help. What are you then ready to trust in a relationship? How can you understand how a partner feels if you do not believe his words? Alena, can you tell Sergey what you are experiencing now when you hear his words?

Alena: I'm offended (Alena is crying).

N: What else do you feel?

Alena: I'm sad, it hurts. And how else can you cope with your pain if you are not offended?

N: You can note that it has arisen, ask another for help and support, if necessary, find close people who will understand you and be able to support. Does resentment help you cope with pain?

Alena: No, but I hope that Sergey will come up to me, hug me, that it will become easier for me. Sometimes he does it, and sometimes he gets angry.

N: Sergei, do you believe what Alena says about her feelings now?

Sergei: Now it is more, but what she says surprises me. I don't understand this.

N: Who do you think is now responsible for the feelings that both of you are experiencing?

Alena: I understand that it hurts me because of what kind of relationship experience I had in the past, and Sergey is not to blame for this.

Often entering into a relationship, partners expect that the second will change and become the embodiment of all his dreams, and then we do not see the person as he really is. And if the second agrees with this attitude, then he begins to adjust to the expectations of the first, to behave in such a way as not to cause negative feelings in the second, but in this process an amazing thing happens - this second, who adjusts, often loses himself. I'm not talking here about the adjustment to each other, which is present in any relationship and is normal when a person listens to himself and tries to understand: “I'll try this a little differently, I will be comfortable, I will not lose an important a part of myself? And if yes, then for the sake of the second I am ready to try”.

I'm talking about those relationships where a person completely loses contact with himself, with his inner core, and adjusts himself so that he is no longer he, but another person. Often, at the same time, this person feels bad, he develops something similar to depression, nothing pleases, and bodily sores may appear or worsen.

Many of us have the illusion that love is a complete merging with the one you love. But merging is not possible without knowing one's essence, without contact with one's core, because then in this merging a person loses himself and from this, as it is not surprising, he himself becomes difficult and bad.

So it was in the relationship between Alena and Sergey, each lost himself in these relations, while discontent with each other only grew, in these relations it did not become warmer, since there was no one to feel this warmth, because they themselves disappeared.

In the process of work, Alena and Sergey decided to end the relationship, although Sergey expressed doubts about the correctness of this decision. They managed to make very good progress in working together, each became more responsible for themselves and their feelings, they were able to communicate their feelings directly to their partner, and not manipulate each other. They managed to part very warmly and with attention to each other. And then each individual began the process of finding himself.

Alena decided to continue working with me, and one of the first tasks for her was " Romance with yourself".

Alena: I periodically have a feeling of shame, as if I turned out to be unworthy of Sergei, sometimes "sausage" from the experience of parting, and still a very strong feeling of emptiness.

N: How did you feel or behave before Sergei appeared in your life?

Alena: There was a lot of childish, spontaneous in my behavior. I laughed very often, and at first we had a lot of fun with Sergei, but then this became less and less. He expected me to behave like an adult woman, and I began to change.

N: Let's try to remember how you felt then. What interested you, fascinated you?

Alena: Before that, I was drawing. I really liked it, I was good at it, I even taught drawing to adults. I felt in demand and very creative, it filled me.

N: Alena, is it possible now to resume these studies? Maybe not in full, but at least start, and track how you will feel, what will change in your inner world.

Alena: Yes, I'll try.

N: And you also have such a task - "Romance with yourself."

Alena: "Having a romance with yourself" is even interesting! How is it? What can I do?

N: How might it look? For example, going to clothing stores and trying on completely different clothes and listening to yourself: how do I do that? Is this what I need now? It's the same with food, business, jewelry - everything that surrounds you. It is important for you to remember yourself, to find contact with yourself, to understand who you are now, what has changed over the years, whether anything has changed.

Alena: It is also important for me to deal with the work! I paid very little attention to my shop. I need to learn how to promote it.

At the next consultation, Alena talked about the pleasure she experienced in letting herself go to the store. How she remembered how cheerful she was before and how this cheerfulness gradually began to return to her.

After several consultations, she said that she started to paint and feels very fulfilled. There were old students who are ready to take lessons from her again, and they have even already agreed with the premises. After these lessons, Alena again feels in demand and confident in her abilities.

In addition, a new feature has appeared - she is happy to cook food for herself and her friends, although she used to do it only because of necessity, and when there was an opportunity not to cook, she did not. And oddly enough, she began to experience more pleasure from life and from contact with herself. Unexpectedly for herself, a few months later, Alena began a new relationship in which she tries not to lose herself, but to be herself more, to remember herself, to speak directly about her feelings, and to give the man more space in these relationships.

Your Natalia Fried