The Golden Trick For Handling Complex Client Feelings

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Once there was a case. One woman was asked to end her relationship with her ex-husband, whom she divorced ten years ago. And she is still angry with him, she is still in a negatively colored relationship with him. In words, she says: "Yes, I forgave him a long time ago." And you can see from her face that she is ready to hit him … She inflames herself in her feelings and continues to bend her line … She understands everything, but she cannot refuse it.

The options for the work of the constellation therapist can be different. One of the options for action in this situation may be to clarify the client's nature of relationships and feelings. The brighter the emotion, positive or negative, the greater the attachment. If you want to continue the binding - keep up the good work. If you want to change, let's change …

You can work with strong feelings (aggression and anger) through their reaction, active verbal and muscular expression: speak it, write it, convey it as something heavy, exhale, etc. The reception from body therapy helps very well, when the articulation of feelings: “I was in great pain. And it still hurts. I'm very angry with you. I am very offended … accompanied by muscle work (load on the muscles of the chest). Together with speaking, the client can push the heavy bag away from himself (instead of the bag, there can be a juicy-weighty body of the therapist himself). Very quickly, it becomes easier for the client, he is freed from the emotions that have overwhelmed him.

And even in such a simple technique, there is a very important nuance. You can shout: "I hate you", or you can shout: "I was hurt and hurt." The second version of the phrase works much better at defusing tension in a relationship. You need to talk about your feelings, and not blame your ex-partner for all sins. In the end, both partners are responsible for the relationship.

You can approach the issue in a purely pragmatic way. Through opposition and provocation.

Are you angry now?

- I'm angry!

Do you feel right?

- Feel!

Congratulations, you've learned to derive secondary benefits from this. You are in your rightness - like a monument on a mausoleum, a virgin in the majesty of your holiness. And for the sake of feeling this importance, you lose 50-60-70% of your resources. You steal these resources from your salary, from your children, from your health. And just for the sake of this importance, this sense of righteousness and superiority. Do you think it's worth it?

You have learned to do it well. The way you carry is commendable, and your tenacity is admirable. But is it worth it? Is the game worth the candle?

At a deeper level of elaboration, you need to go into childhood and look for a traumatized child who is used to reacting in a certain way to the grievances and oppression of adults. One part of him (the victim) hurts, the other (the defender) snaps, and the third (adult and responsible) in the face of the client in the client's chair looks at the constellation and hopes to fix something in his life for the better.

And it is much easier to process the parts of the personality separately. Why is it easier?

Listen to the meaning of the phrase: "You, Vova, are angry with dad and mom." The client may object and say, “Yes, no, not really. I am generally and generally calm."

And now listen to another version of the phrase: “Vova, you are a cool, positive, responsible person, a professional who knows how to build a business and make money … But some part of you - traumatized by some situation in childhood - is still angry with dad and mom. Is angry and cannot calm down. Let's talk to her."

And he, having received the message that he himself is good, and no one is going to attack him and evaluate him negatively, quite adequately talks and works with his part, reprograms it in a new, more positive way.

The adult part has all the resources to handle any difficult situation, it has the ability to find the optimal solution. And the injured parts - they do not own themselves, they are at the mercy of the cyclone. They just need to be reprogrammed, given a new task.