2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
I have put off writing this article for a long time. The topic of parents in the post-Soviet space is sacralized. Mothers are either put on a pedestal or, on the contrary, are blamed for all the troubles of a person. An adult and mature person builds his life here and now. However, in some cases, past traumas very much prevent him from building a happy life: Former children of alcoholics, people in the past who have experienced violence, both moral and psychological.
And if alcoholics of those who raise their hand, it is easier to recognize and start working with the psychotrauma of the vulgar, then with people who have experienced moral violence, it is more difficult. They can deny or forget their injuries. One of their psychological defenses will be the belief that their family was right and wonderful, only they themselves … "bad, provoked" or in general, the trauma moves into the unconscious, and they can experience an unknown anguish for no reason. There are times when traumatics completely "wipe" episodes of violence from their memory. This can be revealed already in psychotherapy. Childhood is remembered in parts, it happens that a person from childhood can remember only a few bright moments or not remember at all what happened when he was little.
A lot of articles have been written about daffodil partners. But there are also narcissistic parents. And their upbringing can greatly affect the life of their child. And this influence hurts much more than just a merging relationship where the mother does not allow her child to be separated from her. The generation of today's thirty-forty-year-olds grew up just with such tough "post-war" parents, among whom there are many narcissistic people, cold and withdrawn, who did not give their children emotional contact.
And these people, all their childhood, diligently tried to earn the love and respect of their parents. And now they either continue to do this with their aged parents, or find themselves cold and oppressive partners and continue to "deserve love" according to the usual pattern. I must say that quite often such people find the same cold emotionally distant friends. It happens that psychotherapy and a person can almost completely change friends.
And it happens that a person who grew up in a family of abuser parents has no friends at all. Abuser parents understand that a child will be able to assess the level of domestic violence if he compares the relationship at home and in the outside world. And then the child is implanted with the theory that the world is hostile, dangerous and ready to attack. Any attempts to make friends are monitored. Parents demand a report about all contacts, there are times that they are watching the child. “I don’t like this new acquaintance of yours. You will see, she is such a person that she will harm you …”after such a remark, friendship with a new girlfriend is unlikely to work out.
In general, total control over the child is established. Friends, clothes where I went - everything is checked and depreciated. In some cases, going out of school or going to work is prohibited. Punishment can be in the form of a scandal or a sudden “illness” of the parent. There are complaints about everything, there were cases when the mother "got sick" if the daughter put on a dress that she bought herself without the approval of the mother. The clothes, of course, were approved by my mother as "correct or vulgar", it is clear that the beautiful young woman looked like a nun. At the same time, the mother generously added feelings of guilt “I have to go shopping with you clumsy legs with sore legs,” also increasing insecurity. The daughter sincerely believed her mother that she was "clumsy", which increased her self-doubt. As a result, parents interfere in the life of an adult child, even on trifles, dictating how best to do it, and getting angry when something is not done according to their advice, worry if the child does something that does not match the taste of the parents.
Such an adult child has no boundaries, parents can devalue any manifestation of interest in life, clothes, hobbies of their child of the victim, calls at any time of the day or night for trifles, checking wardrobes and bags, if the child has moved out, then the parents have the key to their apartment, or the parent moves next. And these parents need money from time to time. They take money, without specifying whether the child can now allocate it, whether he is sick, whether he has problems, there is no empathy to understand that the child is now not up to buying a phone or a chain for his mother. Money is spent quite often on nonsense. If an adult child does not give money, then they get angry and intensify the bullying. “We gave birth to you, we gave you life, we didn't have an abortion, so let's get your daughter away …”, if the child tries to justify himself, the pressure will only increase your mom and I want to go to St. Petersburg …"
It must be said that there is a lot of violence hidden in the history of such a child's contact with his parents. And this can keep a grown child from realizing what his parents really are. "They don't seem to be hitting and they rarely shout, so everything is fine."
In the presence of other people, such parents behave very differently. They look gentle and caring, tell unfamiliar people that a child for them is everything that "life was put on him, but it is ungrateful …" And they will be angry at any offense, even if a grown child already lives with them, feeds, washes and spend all the money earned on them.
Another indicator of parents of abusers, after communicating with them, a person feels very disgusting, fatigue seems to have sucked all the juices, there is no joy in life. Parents can "drain" their problems, continue to contain their pains and fears in their children, or they can carry out acts of outright violence, calling an adult child to themselves and talking about his worthlessness, morally devalue.
If you notice something from what is described here, if you have inexplicable melancholy, difficulties in building close relationships, then this is already a reason to think about and seek psychotherapy.
Psychotherapy will help to rethink relationships with such parents, rebuild boundaries, establish contact, and if this is an opportunity to receive warmth that was not received in childhood, or if this is not possible with such parents, then find a resource of warmth and love both for oneself and in other others.
Photo by Tim Tadder
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