Prescriptions And Converse Prescriptions

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Each psychological system offers its own explanation for the development of psychopathology. We do not believe that other systems are wrong and we use what they offer. Freud's theory of sexual development, Eric Erickson's zonal-modal ego model, behaviorist learning theory, systems theories all explain child development and offer a range of therapeutic options. In this spectrum, we highlight pathological messages transmitted by parents to children, which, if the child believes in them, can lead to chronic problems in his life.

Prescriptions

Prescriptions are messages from the parental ego state of the Child, transmitted due to the circumstances of their own painful problems: unhappiness, anxiety, anger, confusion, secret desires. These messages may appear irrational to the child, but they are completely rational to the transmitting parent

We have compiled a list of prescriptions and have published several articles on this topic over the past 10 years. We talked about them at lectures and seminars around the world. Our list does not exhaust all possibilities; no doubt there are many other messages that are transmitted by parents and according to which children either act or do not act. However, the short list below will help the therapist to better hear what the patient is saying and therefore to adjust the treatment plan.

Our main prescription list is: Don't. Do not be. Don't get close. Don't be significant. Don't be a child. Don't grow up. Don't be successful. Don't be yourself. Don't be normal. Don't be healthy. Don't belong.

Don't do it. This injunction is passed on by fearful parents. Overwhelmed with fear, they prevent the child from doing many of the usual things: "Do not walk near the stairs (toddlers); do not climb trees; do not ride a skateboard, etc." Sometimes such parents did not want a child and, realizing that they instinctively do not want this child to exist, they feel guilt and panic from their own thoughts and become overly caring and cautious as a result. Sometimes the parent himself is psychotic or has phobias or over-caution after the loss of an older child. As the child grows up, the parents are worried about any act that he intends to do: "But maybe we need to think it over once more." And the child does not believe that he can do anything right and safe, does not know what to do, and is looking for someone to suggest the right decision. Such a child, having grown up, will have great difficulty in making decisions.

Do not be. This is a deadly message - we focus our attention first on it during treatment. It can be given very gently: "If not for you children, I would have divorced your father." More harshly: "Even if you weren't born … then I wouldn't have to marry your father." This message can be transmitted non-verbally: the parent holds the child in his arms without shaking him, frowns and scolds while eating and bathing the baby, gets angry and screams when the child wants something, or just hits him. There are many ways to convey this message.

The order can be passed on by the mother, father, nanny, governess, brother, or sister. The parent may be overwhelmed by the fact that the child is conceived before marriage or after the spouses decide not to have any more children. Pregnancy can end in the death of the mother, and the family blames the child for this death. Childbirth can be difficult, and the child is accused of being too big at birth: "You tore me all up when you were born." These messages, repeated many times in the presence of a child, become a "birth myth": "If you had not been born, we would have lived better."

Don't get close. If the parents discourage the child from trying to get closer, then the child may perceive this as a message "Don't get close."Lack of physical contact and positive stroking leads the child to this interpretation. Likewise, if a child loses, as a result of death or divorce, a parent with whom he was close, he can give himself a prescription, saying: "What's the point in being close if they die anyway." So he decides not to get close to anyone again and never.

Don't be significant. If, for example, a child is not allowed to speak at the table: "Children should be seen, not heard" or otherwise diminish its importance, he may perceive this as a message "Do not be significant." He may also receive a similar message at school. In the past, in California, Hispanic children found it difficult to assert their own worth. Whatever language they spoke, English or Spanish, the English-speaking children still mocked them. Blacks received similar messages not only from Whites, but often from their mothers, who did not want them to grow up with a sense of their own worth and get in trouble with Whites as a result.

Don't be a child. This message is conveyed by parents who entrust younger children with the care of older children. It also comes from parents who "drive horses", trying to make their babies "little men" and "little women", stroking their children for politeness even before they realized what politeness means, for example, saying completely to little children that only the little ones cry.

Don't grow up. This prescription is usually passed on from the mother to her last child, it does not matter if he is the second or the tenth. It is often given by a father to a daughter when she reaches pre-adolescence or adolescence and the father begins to feel fearful of the awakening sexuality in her. Then he can forbid the girl to do what her friends do - use cosmetics, wear age-appropriate clothes, run on dates. He can also stop physical stroking, and the girl interprets this as: "Do not grow up, otherwise I will not love you."

Don't be successful. If dad plays ping-pong with his son only when he wins, and stops playing as soon as the son wins him, the boy may interpret his behavior as a message: "Don't win, or I won't love you." This message is converted to "No success." Constant criticism from a perfectionist parent gives the message “You’re doing everything wrong”, which translates to “Do not succeed”.

Don't be yourself. This message is most often given to a child of the “wrong” gender. If a mother has three boys, and she wants a girl, then she can make a "daughter" out of her fourth son. If the son sees that the girls get all the best, he can decide: "Don't be a boy, otherwise you won't get anything" - and subsequently have problems with his gender. The father may give up after four girls and start teaching the fifth in “boyish” and “male” activities such as football. (We understand this is a gender inequality statement, but it reflects the realities of our culture.)

Don't be normal and Don't be healthy. If the parents stroke the child when he is sick, and do not stroke at all when he is healthy, this is tantamount to saying "Don't be healthy." If the insane behavior is rewarded, or if it is simulated but not corrected, then the simulation itself becomes a "Don't be normal" message. We have seen many children of schizophrenics who have difficulty distinguishing between the real world and its perception, although they themselves were not psychotic. They acted insane and were often treated for non-existent psychoses.

Don't belong. If the parents all the time behave as if they should be in another place, for example, in Russia, Ireland, Italy, Israel, England (as happens with some Englishmen who now live in Australia or New Zealand), then the child has difficulty in the understanding of which country he belongs to. He may feel all the time that he also has not joined any coast - even if he was born in the USA or Australia, or New Zealand.

Reverse prescriptions

Reverse prescriptions are messages from the parental ego state to the Parent, which can limit, and if accepted by, the child, and hinder growing up and the development of flexibility. Reverse prescriptions include "drivers" formulated by Tybee Kahler¹⁰: "Be strong", "try", "do everything perfectly", "hurry" and "please me".

All this, of course, is impossible to accomplish - who and when managed to be strong enough, work hard enough, please someone and hurry enough somewhere? There is no way to become the pinnacle of perfection. Mary adds to the Kahler's list the opposite prescription, paired with the prescription "Don't be": "Be careful."

Reverse prescriptions also includes religious, racial and gender stereotypes passed down from generation to generation. Even women who are confident in their emancipation often prepare and clean the house in addition to their regular duties and work, simply because they believe the opposite dictum "a woman's place is home."

Reverse prescriptions are messages open, verbal and unclassified. The one who gives the opposite prescription, believes in the truth of his words and will defend his position. "Of course, a woman's place is at home. If a woman forgets about her duties, what will happen to the children?" In this way, the reverse prescriptions differ sharply from the prescriptions. The one who gives the prescription does it secretly and without realizing the influence of his words. If a parent is explained that he is ordering his child not to exist, this will only cause an explosion of indignation on his part, because he never had this in his thoughts.

Parent messages are called reverse prescriptions because Eric Berne believed at first that they wrap, reverse prescriptions. So, if the client obeys the reverse order, he is free from the order. For example, if the prescription is “Don't exist,” and the opposite is “Work Hard,” the client has the opportunity to save his life by working hard and ignoring the suicidal impulses. However, clients are more likely to obey prescriptions rather than reverse prescriptions, and therefore remain depressed, even "working hard." Messages like the reverse of the "Work Hard" order and the "Don't get old" order are extremely difficult to follow. Imagine the situation of a boy following the "Don't be a boy" command and to please his parents, acting like a girl, who is told by the same parents to go play football and stop acting like a rag. Sometimes prescriptions and reverse prescriptions are the same. From within all his ego states, the parent orders the child not to exist, not to grow up, not to be significant. In this case, it is extremely difficult for that person to get rid of the messages.

Mixed messages

Some messages are given by either the Parent or the Child of the parents, especially those concerning thoughts and feelings. Precepts and reverse prescriptions against thoughts: "Do not think", "Do not think so" (some specific thoughts) or "Do not think as you think - think as I think" (Do not argue with me). Messages about feelings are the same: "Don't feel", "Don't feel like that" (some specific feelings) or "Don't feel how you feel - feel how I feel" ("I'm cold - put on a sweater" or " You don't hate your little brother, you're just tired ").

Solutions

For prescriptions and reverse prescriptions to be meaningful for a child's development, he must accept them. He has the power to accept or reject them. No prescription is "implanted into a child like an electrode," as Berne believed.¹… Moreover, we believe that many prescriptions were never given at all! The child invents, invents and interprets incorrectly, and in this way gives instructions to himself. The death of his brother makes the child confident that it was his jealousy that killed the brother, and not some incomprehensible pneumonia. And, overwhelmed by a sense of guilt, the child gives himself the prescription "Don't be." If a beloved father dies, the son or daughter may decide not to bond with anyone else. In order to avoid pain in the future, similar to that caused by the death of his father, the child gives himself the prescription "Do not draw close." In fact, he says to himself the following: "I will never love again, which means I will not experience pain."

We have listed only a few of the prescriptions, however, in response to them, the child can make countless options for decisions. Below we describe some of them. First, the child may simply not believe the prescription and therefore reject it. The reason may be a realization of the pathology of the preceptor ("My mother is crazy, no matter what she says") or meeting with someone who challenges the prescription and belief in that person ("My parents don't like me, but the teacher loves me."). We have compiled a list of some of the pathological decisions made in response to prescriptions:

"Do not be". "I will die and then you will love me." "I will prove to you even if it kills me" and others described in chapter 9.

Decisions that a child can make in response to "Don't be": "I don't know how to decide." "I need someone to decide for me." "The world is so scary … I probably made a mistake." "I am weaker than other people." "I will never decide anything again."

"Don't grow up." "Okay, I'll stay small" or "helpless" or "mindless" or "nonsexual." This decision often manifests itself in movements, voice, demeanor, behavior.

"Don't be a kid." Possible solutions: "I won't ask for anything else, I will take care of myself." "I will always take care of them." "I will never be entertained." "I will never do anything childish again."

"Do not do this". The child may decide, "I will never do anything right." "I am stupid". "I will never win." "I will beat you even if it kills me." "I'll show you even if it kills me." "No matter how good I am, I had to do better, so I will feel confused (shame, guilt)."

"Don't get close": Decisions made: "I will never trust anyone again." "I will never get close to anyone again." "I will never be sexy" (plus any restrictions on physical intimacy).

"Don't be healthy" or "normal". Decisions: "I'm crazy." "My illness here is the most serious, and I could die from it" (plus a ban on the use of bodily or thought processes).

"Don't be yourself" (same gender). In response, the child may decide: "I will show them that I am as good / good as any / any boy / girl." "No matter how hard I try, I'll never please." "I'm a real girl, only with a penis." "I am a real boy, although I look like a girl." "I'll pretend to be a boy / girl." "I will never be so happy." "I will always be ashamed."

"Don't be significant." The child may decide, "No one will ever let me say or do anything." "Everything is more important here than me." "I will never be worth anything." "I can become significant, but I will never show it."

"Don't belong." Decisions can be: "I will never belong to anyone" or "to no group," or "to no country," or "No one will ever love me because I will not belong to anyone."

Mixed decisions about thoughts and feelings:

"Do not think". Possible solutions: "I'm stupid." "I myself cannot make decisions." "I can't concentrate."

"Do not think about it". "Thinking about sex is bad, I'd rather think about something else" (this person can get overwhelmed by an obsessive state), "I'd better never mention it (whatever" it "is - to be an adopted child or have a non-father, and stepfather) or think about it. " Or "I have a hard time with mathematics" (or with physics, or with cooking, or with football - depending on what prescriptions were received).

"Don't think the way you think, think the way I think"; "I'm always wrong.""I won't open my mouth until I know what everyone else is thinking."

Similar decisions are made in response to prescriptions about feelings:

"Don't feel." The child may decide: "Emotion is a waste of time." "I do not feel anything".

"Don't Feel Like This": "I won't cry anymore." "I won't be angry … anger can be deadly."

"Don't feel the way you feel, feel the way I feel": "I don't know how I feel." Such a person asks the therapist and the group: "How should I feel? How would you feel if I were in my place?"