The Bottom Of An Endless Well Or The Painful Path Of A Narcissist

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Author: Irina Mlodik

So you want to become someone significant, important, memorable! Everyone wants it, I assure you. If you do not become famous all over the world and enter the annals, then at least have a small, but unique feature. Well, at least somehow in a special way to cook borscht, tell jokes, or even get sick. A psychological feature inherent in everyone, what can you do …

People are divided into those who admit it in themselves, and those who, for some mysterious reason, do not want to admit it yet. Feeling unique is so “right” from a psychological point of view. But some of us have a certain predisposition to consider ourselves not just unique, but unique in our greatness or our insignificance. Inside each of us lives his own "narcissist", but how he lives there, that is the question. Everyone has narcissistic traits. You also have them, dear reader, and I … All of them. Simply expressed in varying degrees. And to varying degrees they hinder or help to live. Some psychoanalysts (for example, N. McWilliams) speak of the modern "epidemic of narcissism." In my opinion, they are absolutely right. The upbringing system, the peculiarities of the mentality, the values of society - literally everything contributes to the fact that narcissism as a psychological feature or even as a pathological character flourishes and takes root deeper and deeper.

Since narcissism is "inherited" - a narcissistic parent very often "translates" a model of behavior to his child, - it seems to me that it is time to realize what our generation can leave to those who follow us. In everyday life, it is customary to call a narcissist a person who is narcissistic, selfish, fixated on himself. Almost everyone remembers from school lessons the myth of Narcissus, who died untimely from boundless love for himself, and about the woman who punished him by making him die of narcissism over the clear waters of the stream. In psychology, we are talking more about narcissistic disorders or a narcissistic character, which only vaguely resemble the everyday idea of a young man from ancient Greek myth.

So, the classic symptoms of narcissism are:

1. Feeling of inner emptiness

“This is a vacuum, emptiness, always whistling in you, always cooling your back. And no matter what you do, no matter what you achieve, everything falls into this black hole. All the time there is an illusion that the hole is about to be filled, of course, not with a series of small victories and useless small achievements, but with something great. Only a grand victory can plug this hole forever! That is why I refuse small victories: what is the point if they do not bring deliverance, if they do not fill and mend holes in me. That is why I look forward to a great victory, as salvation, as a reward for my torment. " Many of my clients describe their condition as a lack of bottom. All achievements, no matter how great they are, quickly "go into the sand", fall into a black hole. The feeling of emptiness is unbearable and requires immediate filling with anything: impressions, food, alcohol, adventure, hard work. Emptiness creates a feeling of "draft" inside, strong instability, lack of support, uncertainty. There comes "unbearable lightness of being", which I really want to make at least something heavier, preferably victories, but if there is no strength to achieve, then at least depression and melancholy, which will not hesitate to appear. Everything comes from childhood, including the "narcissistic hole". If we were once loved for our accomplishments, our functionality, then it’s not surprising that when we grow up, we are left with the feeling that we will be loved only if we become a “perfect function”. The function “child” or “my son”, “my daughter” can include anything you like, but as a rule it includes performing very specific tasks: doing homework, getting A's, cleaning an apartment, acting in accordance with parental expectations (often contradictory).

It is difficult to raise a child without ever treating him as a function. But it is important at least sometimes to understand and be attentive to what your little person lives with. If at least occasionally take an interest in what he is, what he feels, what he thinks, then something begins to form in your child that he will feel as "I". The "bottomlessness" of the narcissistic hole is facilitated by the eternal discontent of parents, who for some reason are afraid to be really interested in the child, or at least just to be glad that he is and that he is. As a result, the child does not leave the feeling that he is still not good enough, which means that his achievements and successes do not mean anything. From this, the next symptom, quite unpleasant and harmful to the individual, is born.

2. Valuation and depreciation

It is common for a person with narcissistic disorders to constantly evaluate everyone around them, to compare themselves with others. After all, this is exactly what his parents did to him. They endlessly evaluated his actions and actions, and also compared him with other children, set him up as an example of someone in the hope that the future narcissist would correct himself and be equal to positive examples. As a result, the first thing that the parents achieved was to make their child eternally dependent on external evaluation, constantly ready to issue a critical remark both to themselves and to the whole world. As a result, the narcissist is usually dissatisfied with himself and the world around him. Second, they did not teach him to look for himself, to be aware of his own characteristics, and in accordance with this, choose his niche for self-realization, but taught him to endlessly comparing himself with someone, and since the criteria are high, the comparison, as a rule, is not in his benefit. This inevitably gave rise to a latent conflict in the child: on the one hand, he wanted to feel unique and unrepeatable, on the other, he quickly got used to comparison, which means that he is just “one of”, and besides, as a rule, not the best. Often, parents completely mistakenly believe that only a highly praised child can become a “narcissist”. This is definitely a misconception.

Praising is not at all necessary, it is enough to evaluate and compare, focusing mainly on the child's achievements, and not on himself. Since the little narcissist received a message from his parents that he is always not good enough and not successful, then such a mechanism as devaluation is formed in him. Everything that is achieved by hard work or often incredible efforts (after all, he strives for perfection, and perfection is simply not given), all this is recognized only today, and tomorrow does not mean anything. Only a few years will pass, and for an already matured narcissist, a successfully shot film, a brilliant book, a magnificent picture, a Nobel Prize will only matter at the moment of recognition, for just a few minutes or days he will consider himself worthy and successful. “The next day,” he will again begin to consider himself completely mediocre, unable to do anything, starting everything from a “blank slate”. He is again faced with the difficultly realized need to prove to the whole world that you are a genius and worth something. And all because for the received "five" they were praised today, and the cost was already blown to smithereens for an accidental oversight or defect. It turned out that you can be good only temporarily, conditionally, for performing certain functions and tasks, but tomorrow there is a risk and even inevitability to become “bad” again.

The narcissist devalues not only his achievements, but also his qualities and himself. He is always not sure of himself, a compensatory feeling of his own strength and invincibility arises in him only during periods of recognition. But for the most part he is exhausted, depressed, anxious. Since such a person constantly devalues himself, his dignity and resources, he constantly has a feeling that something can happen that he cannot cope with, it becomes the background, therefore the “narcissist” does not like changes, does not often dare to do something. something new. He takes risks only because the new is the opportunity to fill the inner emptiness. At the same time, the feeling of anxiety can exceed the tolerance threshold and lead to insomnia, motor disinhibition, the appearance of psychosomatic symptoms or attempts to compensate for anxiety through any addictions (alcohol, drugs, workaholic, shopaholic, overeating, active participation in the lives of other people, etc.)).

Very often, the narcissist tries to escape from the omnipresent depreciation and all-pervading emptiness by trying to fill the inner hole with cars, apartments, quarries, status, money, power. But his personal tragedy is that he is always not enough, and the more ways and means he has already tried to plug the hole, the less chance he has. That is why the suffering of narcissists, who "already have everything," is the most powerful and suffocating.

3. Large amplitude pendulum

The narcissist is basically in two polar states. He is either divinely beautiful and omnipotent (in periods of recognition of his achievements), then he is a complete failure and insignificance (in periods of his mistakes or non-recognition). Exactly. Polarities are not "good-bad", but "divinely cool - complete insignificance." And therefore, he often easily and imperceptibly for himself and others can find himself in any of these states. The "toggle switch" for switching states is always the same: external or internal assessment, one way or another related to external recognition or self-recognition. The pendulum, on the one hand, makes the life of a narcissist emotionally vivid and intense. From the constant change of confessions and non-confessions, he either plunges into the depths of suffering, then soars into the heavens of euphoria. But on the other hand, the larger the amplitude, the stronger the depletion. Such clients are more likely to be in debilitating depression, since during periods of rare euphoria they are active and spend a lot of mental and physical strength. And depression is often the only way to "ground", to accumulate strength, to justify one's own inaction, behind which, in fact, is the fear of once again experiencing disappointment from one's own failure. It is important to understand that it is really difficult for them to decide on something, the risk of a possible difficult experience of their own insignificance is so great. The older they get, the more difficult it is for them to undertake any undertaking, any new activity, since it seems to them that they must certainly cope with everything, moreover, at once and not just by "five", but unattainably-flawlessly. And since it is impossible to get on the bike for the first time and go straight away without ever falling or even wobbling the steering wheel, mistakes are inevitable, and they scare the daffodils who want to be "divine" at all costs. Since such people see themselves through two narrow pipes "divine" and "insignificant", then the world around them seems exactly the same. They are characterized by polar judgments and assessments of people, phenomena, events. They usually either idealize them or "omit" them. Moreover, in non-close relationships with people, idealization is replaced by devaluation successively: first, a person is erected on a pedestal, and then thrown off him with a deafening roar. In closer contacts, both processes can be present in parallel. The narcissist often unexpectedly and accurately hits the painful point of a completely adored partner with his devaluating injection, from which the partner usually falls into slight or strong (depending on the degree of awareness) confusion and does not know what to do with what he got. He almost always passes a painful injection through his borders, being unable to somehow react or defend himself to it. As a result, even the most patient and compassionate partner, tired of endless wounds, leaves the narcissist. The narcissist perceives parting or even the death of a partner as rejection, which only strengthens his already grown distrust of any emotional contact, and especially of close relationships. It is clear that this cannot but affect the relationship with loved ones.

4. Leaving a relationship

The narcissist craves for an intimate, accepting relationship that he never managed to build with his own parents. He often uncontrollably strives to merge in the secret and unsuccessful hope of having his own “I” through merging with another, while at the same time he has a fear that his “I” will be absorbed by another and disappear when merged. He is never able to open up to the end, to trust, and it is understandable why: in childhood, when he was so open and unprotected, he was wounded by the judgments and criticism of his parents, his “I” was subjectively destroyed by inattention, ignorance, humiliation. For him, trusting means exposing himself to a colossal risk, and therefore the narcissist is more likely to look for those who can merge with him, he is always on guard of his own borders, and merging with him is always illusory. True closeness implies the Meeting of two deep and genuine “I”, but the “I” of the narcissist is alienated from him, instead of him he feels only emptiness, and therefore the Meeting with him is impossible. The partner in the relationship realizes the presence of the narcissist's true "I" and he really wants to "get" to him. This is why daffodils are so addictive. Their partners are "intrigued" by the invisible, but somewhere present "I", and they diligently "warm" Kai's frozen heart in hopeless hope for the Meeting. I believe that without psychotherapy it is rarely possible for anyone. If the violations are expressed, then the relationship as a result becomes destructive for both. The narcissist's partner, giving over the years megatons of love, care, acceptance, in return receives rare outbursts of gratitude, tenderness and recognition, mixed with constant depreciation and discontent. From the constant shrapnel of unfair assessments and comments, the partner begins to lose strength, fade away, get sick, grow old, tired of the parental role of providing unconditional love and acceptance. But a partner can never replace a “good” parent for the narcissist, no matter how many years it takes to unconditional love.

Desperate to receive all-embracing love, which is never able to warm the icy heart, because it is not maternal love, the narcissist begins to seek at least recognition. For this, he does not need a close relationship, for this he needs fans. Changing fans or female fans is what the narcissist usually stops at. At some point, he is ready to exchange love for admiration. It is as if worship becomes "enough" for him. Nobody is interested in his true "I" anymore, nobody "digs" to him, nobody "warms up", just admires and that's it. It is only important that there are always enough fans, but if they start to disappear, then he is ready to be with anyone who admires, regardless of what he has to pay for it.

Everything I write about is, in essence, just a Platonic "memory of ideas", since all this has already been described thousands of years ago in the same myth about Narcissus in the retelling of Ovid, to which, for example, Pascal Quignard refers: “By the age of sixteen, Narcissus became so beautiful that not only young girls, not only young men, but also nymphs longed for him, especially the one that was called Echo. But he rejected them all. He preferred forest deer hunting to girls, boys and nymphs. The nymph Echo suffered from unrequited love. This love was so strong that Echo began to repeat all the words that her beloved spoke. The startled Narcissus looked around, not knowing where the voice was coming from. - Soeamus! (Let's unite!) - he once shouted to the mysterious disembodied voice that pursued him. And a mysterious voice answered: - Soeamus! (Let's embrace!) Fascinated by the spoken word, the nymph Echo suddenly ran out of the thicket. She rushes to Narcissus. She hugs him. But he immediately runs away. The rejected Echo returns to the thicket. Tormented by shame, she grows thin and melts. Soon, only bones and a voice remain of the nymph in love. Bones turn to rocks. And then only a plaintive voice remains of her. " (Sex and fear: Essays: Transl. From French - M.: Text, 2000, pp. 130-140) Subsequently, Aphrodite is a woman who is outraged at how many and often Narcissus wounds the beautiful nymphs around him, punishes, in general, then, an already completely unhappy young man, incapable of deep and mature relationships, luring him with the opportunity to see his own "I" in the reflection of the stream: in all its glory. It was then that Aphrodite's punishment befell him. In amazement he looks at his reflection in the water, and strong love takes possession of him. With eyes full of love, he looks at his image in the water, it beckons him, calls, stretches out his hands to him. Narcissus leans over to the mirror of the waters to kiss his reflection, but only kisses the icy, transparent water of the stream. Narcissus forgot everything: he does not leave the stream; without stopping to admire himself. He does not eat, does not drink, does not sleep. Finally, full of despair, Narcissus exclaims, stretching out his hands to his reflection: - Oh, who suffered so cruelly! We are not separated by mountains or seas, but only by a strip of water, and yet we cannot be with you. Get out of the brook! " (N. Kuhn "Legends and myths of ancient Greece M.: AST, Polygon, 2004)

This is how the desperate Narcissus realizes his doom to eternal suffering due to alienation from his own “I”, to the eternal desire to unite with him, to absorb, to become one, to become himself. Water as a symbol in Jungian psychology means psyche, soul, and therefore, looking into the waters of a stream, a young man wants only one thing: to look inside himself, in a vain hope to discover and appropriate himself. It becomes clear that the view of the mythological Narcissus only as a narcissistic hero is too simplistic and does not reflect the depth of the violations and sufferings of the legendary young man, however, as well as the everyday view of modern narcissists as simply arrogant and selfish people. Our task is to understand the basis and depth of their suffering and to outline ways to help.

The tragedy of the narcissist lies in the impossibility of recognizing and appropriating one's true self (or the great difficulty of this process). The “I” detached from itself creates a feeling of emptiness and lack of support, which gives rise to basic insecurity and anxiety in the narcissist. He is forced to rely on assessments of the external world, and they are contradictory all the time and constantly replace each other. From these assessments, he seeks to blind his image, but he falls apart due to their inconsistency and total subjectivity. Therefore, he is never completely sure of himself, does not know what he can, what he is and whether he has "the right to live with his head held high." The narcissist's brief joy: victory, triumph, achievement, recognition. At these moments, he realizes that he not only has the "right to live", but is omnipotent, especially smart, beautiful, perceptive, that he has done something that will now allow him to feel himself not just good, but great for the rest of his life. The joy is strong, but short-lived, from a few minutes to several weeks. Then - a crushing collapse and again the sucking emptiness inside.

The main pain: strong, constant and deep suffering from the imperfection of the world - from inaccuracies, flaws, oversights, militant stupidity, unaestheticness, vulgarity, vulgarity, that simplicity that is worse than theft. An oppressive feeling of powerlessness from the impossibility of creating one's own "correct and just" world. Escape of finality, difficulty in completing something, incredible effort to start something, fear of change.

Frequently experienced feelings

1. Shame - as a total feeling of one's own badness, uselessness, worthlessness, worthlessness. The "inner critic" of the narcissist is constantly on guard, not a single movement of the soul, not a single deed, action, deed will be hidden from his criticizing gaze. For inaction, by the way, also follows a severe condemnation from this never dormant inner character. The “accuser” inside the narcissist has long taken possession of almost all of the internal space and administers his strict court in violation of all legal norms (that is, bypassing the internal judge and lawyer). Once such an accuser was one of the parents of the narcissist, now he copes well without outside help, now his inner critic is a reliable and eternal generator of shame. The narcissist is used to displacing shame to the backyard of his consciousness, for he is intolerable, because he is constantly present, it is not even a background, but a constant figure through which he looks at the world. A meeting with a psychotherapist or consulting psychologist is an inevitable meeting with one's own shame, which is why narcissists often bypass our offices for many years, and if they find themselves in them, they drag in front of them a grandiose shield of their shame and anger, protecting them from the horror of "exposure. ".

2. Guilt is also a permanently living feeling in the narcissist. Moreover, it is characterized by all three types of guilt.

- The real guilt will pursue him after his critical assessments reach the ears of his loved ones and he will face their reaction that does not always accept these assessments.

- He has neurotic guilt throughout his life, since he never fully met the expectations of his parents, and even his own.

- Ontological guilt will also always be in the background, because, because of the impossibility to connect with his true "I", the narcissist, most likely, will not be able to become what he could become, which means he will never be able to "re-incarnate." Throughout his life, he may never know who he is and who he should be by nature, what to do. This is not surprising, since his parents saw in him only a function of applying their parental expectations, visions, needs. As you know, guilt, constantly carried in oneself, often calls for release, so narcissists, tired of constant self-accusation, constantly fall into blaming other people. They transfer the blame to the outside, forcing their inner critic to distract from the attacks on themselves and take care of the world around them. Fortunately and for the narcissist's grief, the world around him is monstrously imperfect and therefore it always has something to which accusations and criticism can be directed.

3. Anxiety is a constant companion of narcissists, which is also not surprising. Lack of support within, comparing oneself with others, constant readiness for criticism, the inability to finally appropriate one's own merits, resources, previous achievements, experience, make the narcissist insecure and anxious. He is always in anticipation of failure, in anticipation of a situation that he supposedly will not be able to cope with. Two evil dwarfs according to J. Hollis - Fear and Inaction - every morning await him at the head of the bed and "devour him alive."

4. The fear of meeting the unpredictable and imperfect often paralyzes the narcissist for months or even years, forcing him to stay in what he is: at a bad job, in an uncomfortable apartment, with an “unsuitable” wife. The fear of being wrong often makes the choice impossible, and the fear of being incompetent keeps one from developing and changing. The very absence of a bottom, which we talked about from the very beginning, leads to the fact that nothing can be appropriated. If the basket had a bottom, then, putting apples there, it could soon be filled. And a basket full of apples would become an evidence that would be hard to argue against. But since the narcissist's parents made him understand that past merits always do not count, and for every mistake you have to pay with shame and remorse, an adult narcissist has a strange structure inside: everything related to achievements and merit, he easily and quickly fails. into a hole, and any blunders, failures, mistakes are firmly stuck inside, as if sticking around the walls of a mental well, they are remembered for a long time, tortured, made to be ashamed and guilty. The inability to rely on their resources and achievements leads to the fact that the narcissist is almost all the time in an anxious search for an external carrier of unshakable achievements: idols, idols, the largest and most recognized specialists, teachers, leaders, gurus, etc. For some of them, becoming a great guru on their own is one way of overcompensating to overcome the fear of exposing their own "insignificance."

The main fear of the narcissist is to face his insignificance, uselessness. The fear of being unnoticed or insignificant is even stronger for him than the fear of rejection. A scolding mother is painful, insulting, but habitual, but ignoring, a message about your own insignificance is really scary. The narcissist agrees to be guilty, but to make him feel insignificant (and for this he does not need much, he is secretly always ready for this) - to publicly expose him, undress and expose him. Because all his defenses work so that he can avoid the feeling of an inner hole and his own supposedly insignificance.

The narcissist experiences fear in two ways: either he attacks the offender, accusing him of all imaginable and inconceivable sins, or goes into depression, often accompanied by some kind of psychosomatic illness, since caring for and taking care during illness helps to heal his mental wounds at the same time.

Psychological assistance for narcissistic disorders.

It is clear that a narcissist can only be "cured" by long-term and harmonious relationships. This is why quick relief for narcissistic disorders is nearly impossible. You can provide support, and the person will get out of depression, you can work with his guilt and anxiety. But for change to be long-term and sustainable, it takes months and years of work. After all, the task is not small - to discover and appropriate your own "I", having passed through the strongest background shame, through repeated desire to devalue and abandon everything.

“The feeling of my own insignificance is unbearable, it eats away the remnants of self-esteem, it eats up grains of meaning, it threatens me with great Rejection, and then I only want one thing - to reject everyone in the world, reject this world altogether, abandon it, throw it out the window and close the curtains … Stay in darkness and silence and hear the beat of your own heart and understand that you are alive. Alive without them all. To understand that it is not important for the heart - whether I am good or bad, it continues to beat, it does not leave me, I am always there for it”.

Practicing psychotherapists say that when working with clients with narcissistic disorders, special qualities and skills are required: "Spread rot" on him with his therapeutic power;

- it is important to have a formed and conscious "I", otherwise the Meeting with the Other, whose "I" is still quite aloof would be completely impossible;

- requires stability, confidence and the ability to endure aggression and devaluation of the client, which will certainly follow;

- it is important, in principle, to be able to build, maintain and develop close and long-term relationships;

- it is important to be able not to rush and not to rush, having dealt with your own desire for psychotherapeutic grandeur;

- you should be prepared for the client to suddenly quit therapy with the reply: "Nothing helps me" or "You are not able to help me", - it is important to be able to end therapy, not quit it. This requires strict contractual terms and conditions and the ability of the therapist to convey to the client the importance of their observance;

- it is necessary to be aware of and be prepared for the fact that not all narcissistic clients will be able to help. The goals of psychotherapy: to help the client to discover and appropriate the unattainable "I", gradually reducing the amplitude of the pendulum from "Divine - Null", step by step moving to "good enough". To sculpt the client's "I", living with him defeats and victories, clearing the husks of criticism and self-accusations, freeing the walls of the well from these layers and gradually creating, building the bottom. Find it real, genuine, little dependent on external evaluations, judgments, accusations or confessions.

Tasks:

observing with him how he:

- feels almost constant shame;

- is afraid of intimacy and avoids it in a variety of ways;

- then idealizes, then devalues the psychotherapist and people around;

- he does the same with his own achievements and experience;

- "functionally" refers to oneself and other people;

- feels aggression, tired of being ashamed and guilty;

- relies heavily on external assessments and judgments;

- gives a lot of authority to his inner “accuser” and does not involve a “lawyer”;

- manifests itself in order to be noticed and noticeable;

- suffers from the imperfection surrounding him;

- does not allow himself to be mistaken and to be faulty;

- does not trust himself and others;

- is afraid of new things because of constant anxiety;

- does not tolerate unpredictability;

- tries to control everyone;

- refuses to create his own world, wanting to fix something already created by others.

During work, an excursion into the client's childhood is almost always required in order to experience a variety of feelings in relation to their own parents due to the fact that they treated him in this way.

Living in anger towards them allows you to further separate from their idealized and depreciated figures, allows you to experience genuine sympathy for the misunderstood, unheard and criticized inner child and the real child from the client's past.

It is often inevitable to experience deep sadness about, as a rule, a very early and traumatic loss of the illusion that he, as he is, with all his inner wealth and imperfection, is needed, will be loved and accepted.

The main tool: gradually and slowly building trust and closeness (like the Meeting of two “I”) between the therapist and the client, a stable and accepting figure of an imperfect therapist, understanding and empathy, a caring and sympathetic attitude to the client's feelings, a firm and calm attitude to his aggression, harsh assessments and attempts to devalue what is happening.

Narcissistic disorders will manifest themselves more significantly in the client, the more "functionally" they were treated in childhood, the significance of violations is also influenced by the presence of the narcissistic character of the parents, the presence or absence of at least one host figure in the child's life. Of course, narcissistic traits or symptoms can appear in almost every client at a certain stage of psychotherapy, and every practicing psychologist will have to face them, but a client with a pronounced narcissistic component is not an easy task for a novice psychologist, and it requires a difficult decision and a lot of time. Even distinguishing such a client from other pronounced personalities requires some experience and practice, as it is easy to confuse him with other accented personalities. The narcissist can be very demonstrative, but unlike the hysterical-demonstrative type, for which external recognition is more important, and the presence of an “I” somewhere deeply buried is not of particular interest, the narcissist is in conflict with the unexpressed “I”, and it is not external recognition that is important to him, but a subtle feeling and recognition of its depths. It is important for him not to recognize that he is beautiful or interesting, but to recognize how he is especially smart, unique and inimitable.

Unlike the classical neurotic, who considers himself insignificant, unnecessary and not deserving the love and acceptance of others, the narcissist is again in a conflict between the feeling of his own insignificance and greatness. If a neurotic is convinced that he is "worthless", then the narcissist only guesses and tries to fight this feeling, proving the opposite to the whole world either by his non-stop achievements or by depression. Unlike a neurotic, he is capable of open criticism, suppression, and a struggle for power that brings recognition.

Unlike obsessive-compulsive perfectionists, who strive to achieve perfection in details and thereby get rid of anxiety, narcissists often tend to give up activities because they cannot complete them completely, thereby avoiding feelings of shame.

Unlike the eternally active compulsive perfectionists who are ready to spend a lot of effort to achieve perfection, narcissists are passive and tend to get depressed from the imperfection of the world or devalue the upcoming activity and the development opportunities that life provides them.

Unlike clients with paranoid traits, uncontrollably striving for power, devaluing and blaming everyone due to their irrepressible aggression and suspicion, narcissists are still prone to idealization, moreover, they do not so much need power as the accompanying recognition.

There is also a significant difference in the emotional background: for paranoid clients, the main background is fear and actively expressed aggression, for narcissistic clients it is repressed shame and anxiety. And in conclusion, let's return to the narcissistic traits that everyone has, but they are expressed in a moderate degree and rather help to develop and live.

Healthy manifestations of narcissism

- We do not run away from our emptiness and do not fill it with whatever we have to do, but we courageously stay in it, trying to hear and understand ourselves.

- Our mistakes are accepted by us with regret or remorse, accompanied by an attempt to sort it out with the participation of not only an internal "accuser", but also a "lawyer".

- We can be upset or glad of someone's assessment, but it does not affect our activities, does not stop and does not determine it.

- We strive for recognition. But this is not the only purpose of our life. It is not the result that is important to us, but the process. We are able to enjoy it.

- Our self-esteem and self-esteem can fluctuate within certain limits, but there is a level below which they do not fall and above which they do not "take off."

- We compete with others, but not in order to win, but in order to better understand ourselves, to highlight our individuality, originality, niche.

- We are fascinated and disappointed, but we do not idealize or devalue.

- We arrogate to ourselves not only our mistakes and mistakes, but also our achievements, successes, the most varied quality of our personality, experience.

- In relationships, we build and maintain our boundaries, without rejecting, we maintain our self-esteem, not humiliating, we love, not idealizing. We do not turn away from the existing, unwanted world, we create our own world by creating.