Fears That Prevent You From Starting A Happy Couples Relationship. Part 1

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Chapter 1

I'm afraid of rejection

This fear arises from the emotional response to rejection. Many people do not understand at all what rejection is. But every time they face rejection, they perceive it as personal rejection. Because of this, it is very difficult and painful to endure refusal, and they themselves are faced with the fact that they are not at all capable of refusing.

The consequences of this misunderstanding and anxiety about being "rejected" are as follows:

The partner “does not meet”.

Inability to show your sexuality.

Fear and numbness as soon as someone pays attention.

And you seem to understand with your mind that in case of refusal, nothing terrible happens, but with the reaction that comes, as if it is impossible to cope.

To overcome this fear, you need to understand that it arises from self-doubt (often due to lack of experience). Of course, you need to start by learning how to refuse yourself. This will lead to more self-manifestation and create an experience of understanding what rejection really is. And in the case when they will refuse you, then you will begin to accept it with respect and value of yourself and the choice of another person. It will cease to be experienced as a personal rejection with the feeling that I am not all right.

In relationships and in acquaintances, as in other areas, training in rapprochement, communication, trust, understanding of oneself in a relationship and another person is important.

And finally, what is rejection?

Refusal is a perfect choice, a statement based on the absence of the necessary required criteria. Those. this is not a rejection of you personally, but just a mismatch of opinions (and it does not mean at all that you are not sexy or bad, or not beautiful, or something completely wrong with you). Refusal just means that the other person made a different choice from yours (for example, now he may want loneliness, and not go to have fun with you).

Refusal is a statement about your choice, about the fact that at a given moment in time to another person or you need not what you (or another person) can offer.

Learn to express yourself, to say "no" yourself, and then it will become much easier to experience rejection. It will become clear that more often than not a person refuses a specific offer, something with which he is not on his way. He does not reject you at all, and you do not need to be afraid of this, but you just need to learn to respect your boundaries of psychological comfort and the boundaries of another person.

I hope that changing the attitude towards rejection will really help you to stop creating boundaries in communication and start getting to know each other.

Chapter 2

I'm afraid not to please

First of all, you need to clarify that this fear of "not being liked" is most often associated with the opposite sex. Those. we are not just afraid of not liking, but afraid of not liking someone who has already been liked by us (that is, this is again the same fear of rejection).

Women are more prone to self-examination and search for reasons for refusal, rejection of themselves. We, women, especially want to “match”. But the whole paradox lies in the fact that as soon as we lose ourselves, our uniqueness, originality, we begin to "correspond" for the sake of receiving compliments and recognition from others, most often we are faced with rejection. Which leads to even more persistent work on yourself.

How to break out of this circle? Of course, you need to do a good job on self-esteem, self-acceptance and the ability to be satisfied with yourself, learn to be filled with energy and set your personal boundaries. This acceptance of yourself will allow you to calmly experience moments when someone does not like you: “Well, yes, someone does not like me who has a different path and a different choice. It's OK. What I need, people with whom I will be interested will definitely be with me."

It must be remembered that a person expresses his opinion about you, his perception of you, which is at odds with his ideals, expectations, patterns, etc.

The opinion of any person, like his refusal, is about himself, not about you!

Only due to the fact that we find ourselves in the shift of someone else's priorities, and the opinion of another person becomes more valuable to us than our own life and our choice - we get the fear of not “suchness” of rejection and negative experiences.

Of course, this serious fear may not disappear only from my reasoning, because the trauma of rejection, abandonment, a person, most often, receives at a very early age, and most often from those people on whom life depends (from parents). Therefore, later she is played, preventing her from getting closer, or even starting a romantic relationship.

With this approach to relationships (fear of not liking), the subconscious mind perceives rapprochement with another person as an extremely dangerous situation and "protects" the person from repeating the traumatic experience.

If you find such fear in yourself, then it is better to cope with it by resorting to the help of an experienced psychologist who will help you to know, accept and love yourself. Realize that you are an adult person who no longer needs to survive through your parents, is free in your choices, free. And then romantic relationships will be perceived inside the subconscious as the comprehension of new stars, heights, experiences. And there will be more readiness for them.

Chapter 3

Afraid to Disappoint

This fear is again about our protector, about our omnipresent subconsciousness. About fear of pain, loss and experiencing a negative spectrum of emotions. I often tell in my trainings that without the ability to experience grief, anger, fear and pain, a person cannot experience joy, love and pleasure. Paths (or neural connections) through which joy, pleasure, love flows have a bandwidth in both directions. For example, anger and love have the same neural connections to convey a signal to the sphere of our awareness (grief and joy are also connected, fear is pain and pleasure). And if we are not able to experience negative emotions, then over time we simply stop experiencing any emotions. This anatomy of our emotions was created for what we could feel: where we feel good, and where we feel bad - our own unique path. The skill to experience negative emotions makes them easy to experience and fairly short-term. But many people, in principle, refuse to experience them, so they accumulate and become quite traumatic. Of course, negative emotions are associated with painful experiences, which leads to unwillingness to experience them, but this is a whole separate topic. For now, I will focus on disappointment and add resentment here. Because they go hand in hand with each other.

When we become attached to someone, and he does not quite meet our expectations, this indicates the appearance of disappointment in relation to that person. And here there are 2 ways: 1) to do something with our expectations and categoricalness, if the person is really dear to us, 2) or to trust our disappointment.

The function of disappointment is to temporarily close the channel of love, remove rose-colored glasses, i.e. so that we can be sober in our relationships. Having experienced disappointment, make our decision - what we want in a relationship with this person, the way he is.

That is, one should not be afraid of disappointment, this feeling is an assistant that sobering up, helps to come to self-awareness, stay in sobriety and see everything in a new light. Disappointment always leads to new choices and transformations. Allow yourself to experience it - this is a period of thinking about the old, discarding the unnecessary and striving for the new.