2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Guilt is a childish feeling. When the child does not yet know what is good and what is bad, then the relatives indicate this to him with the help of their reaction to his actions, that is, they give feedback with their attitude. For a bad deed, his parents scold him and punish him. The psychological basis of punishment is distancing, distancing a parent or other significant adult from a child. Before punishment, the distance between parent and child is much less, but at the time of punishment it increases dramatically. And since the child does not yet have his own self-sufficient “I” and still perceives himself to a large extent through his loved ones, then a sharp increase in distance is perceived as a loss of himself. It is like psychic dying. Of course, the child is frightened and upset by this, and he suffers mentally. The next time he tries to do what he was punished for, he associatively recalls the punishment and suffering associated with him - this is the feeling of guilt. Now he mentally blames himself, remembering how his parents did it. Is disconnected from itself. Thus, the feeling of guilt does not allow the child to repeat bad actions, but does not protect him from committing new, different and possibly even more destructive actions.
Only an understanding of values and foreseeing the consequences can protect a child from committing a bad deed that he has never done before. However, through punishment, the child learns not only the feeling of guilt, but also the fact that suffering can atone for guilt, that it is possible, so to speak, to work off an act. So in adulthood, such a person tries to earn forgiveness by his own suffering. But your own or someone else's suffering will not correct the situation. And a person who has made a mistake, self-flagellating, does not correct the situation. He does nothing useful, but only in his own eyes and in the eyes of significant people, demonstratively suffering in front of them, he tries to deserve an indulgence, such an official justification that would allow him to live with a clear conscience further. it is self-deception. Therefore, as soon as you have a feeling of guilt, immediately stop this feeling of self-separation and focus your attention on finding solutions to the problem, minimizing the consequences, learning from the situation, ways of safeguarding the future, and so on, but do not let your attention focus on self-flagellation. For an adult, guilt is destructive.
The sense of responsibility is the opposite of the sense of guilt. They cannot exist simultaneously in relation to the same action or consequence. After the error is recognized, constructive action is necessary if the consequences can still be eliminated, or at least minimized. Either the person admitted a mistake and is engaged in the elimination of negative consequences - this is a manifestation of responsibility, or he blames himself, is engaged in self-flagellation, suffers and torments from how he screwed up.
The inertia of thinking, many years of personal experience can make you think that such "achievement" thinking is simply not peculiar to you. That you are differently arranged. This is not the case for two reasons. Firstly, because no one is able to actively desire from birth, set goals, achieve them by performing actions and foreseeing their consequences. All children are born passive egocentrics who do not yet have their volitional activity, but there are passive expectations that the world will revolve around them. And secondly, with the help of self-education, you can change your character. May it take mindfulness and volitional efforts. You can change at any moment, you can throw out any bad character trait from your life. First with a fundamental decision, and then with the help of reflection, stopping oneself a moment before this trait begins to manifest itself. As a result of such timely volitional efforts, you will eliminate the habit and your character will change. Special attention is required for the first two months (this is the average decay time of the conditioned reflex), and after that it will be easier and easier, and at some point you will feel that there is no longer that which you previously had to stop. You've changed.
The article appeared thanks to the works of Vadim Levkin, Daniel Goleman and Nossrat Pezeshkian.
Dmitry Dudalov
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