It Is Not What A Person Says That Matters, But How He Speaks

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

In fact, when a person talks or writes about something, he first of all talks about himself. Not about the subject of the conversation, not about what he describes (praises and condemns) - he gives a lot of information about who he is and what is important to him.

Psychologists, for example, are taught to look at the wrong about what the client says, but for that, how he does it (in ordinary life, people are taught exactly the opposite: "It doesn't matter what the interlocutor's voice is and how he waves his hands. Listen to what the person says"). By the way, that's why I prefer personal communication with clients (live or via Skype) and dislike correspondence on the Internet - a whole layer of information about a person is lost. Judge for yourself.

From any message (both from the frank "while I was little, my mother beat me every day" and from the rather banal "mother-in-law invited us to pies next Saturday"), you can get a lot of information about the speaker himself.

Firstly, the choice of the subject of discussion by the narrator: there are many things in the world, but for some reason a person is now talking about this. It was possible to tell jokes or talk about price increases during the crisis - but the mother-in-law, Saturday, pies were chosen. Sometimes this indicates that a person is simply “bursting with” to talk about something (“wherever they say anything - all one will bring them down to women” (C)), or, on the contrary, this topic seems to be the most “safe” (“Not let's talk about the personal, otherwise I'll start crying.”) What exactly the person meant becomes clear from the general context of the dialogue.

Secondly, the choice of words with which a person speaks: it is no secret that some words dictate an assessment of what is happening. Here it is necessary to keep track of derogatory words, and ridicule, and, on the contrary, emphatically respectful and polite descriptions. For example, a client calls her job duties "nonsense", or she mocks about her hobby - this is a lot of information, a lot. Don't you think you are doing something important at work? They don't appreciate you there and don't trust you with anything serious? Or you yourself do not pretend? Are you not sure if you are entitled to your hobbies? Can't demand respect for your free time? This may not be the case, all assumptions should be clarified. But, at least, the appearance of brightly colored evaluative words in the description, I would mentally note and react to them in the dialogue. Well, or, for example, impersonal formulations in the speech are very indicative (“I was married to Vasya for 6 years. But then booze began and women appeared, there were scandals and fights, and we parted." The phrase "booze began" and "Vasya began to drink "Sound completely different. Just like the phrases" there were scandals "and" I began to scandal and scold him "- very, very different. In the second case, there is the author of the action, the one who is responsible for what happened; "- it seemed to happen by itself, no one is in the answer and there is no one to ask).

Thirdly, expressed attitude to something (this, by the way, is the least informative part of the conversation). It is better to ask about many things not directly, but to find out by indirect methods - no less objective and scientific, but not "head-on". The point is that there is the concept of "socially desirable reactions"; this means that it is customary in society to give “correct” answers to some questions: “Yes, I adore small children!”, “Well, of course, I love my wife,” “I give my best at work 100 percent.” You ask a direct question - the client tenses a little and gives the "correct", socially approved answer. Well, why was it necessary? I already know all socially desirable answers by heart. Examining the interlocutor in whether he knows them is completely uninteresting.

Fourthly, the so-called non-verbal characteristics: intonation, gestures, expression, expressed emotions. For example, a girl cannot talk about her beloved dog without smiling, and when she talks about her equally beloved husband, her fists clench by themselves and a tension appears in her voice. Non-verbal manifestations do not automatically mean anything specific (whatever Alan and Barbara Pease may say about that), they simply indicate points of tension in communication. The interlocutor can strain, talking about her husband, due to the fact that she is very worried about him, and he got into a difficult situation at work; or because he is jealous; or because of a relationship with the same mother-in-law, which, in her opinion, influences her beloved too much.

There is also a tricky thing called the "default figure" … Well, this is the same "rope that is not talked about in the house of the hanged man." When the conversation went to the fourth round, and the interlocutors stubbornly bypass some topic - this is definitely not without reason. This means that it is necessary to dig there (but be careful!)

Only now you know what? For those who have read this text and are convinced that "psychologists see right through a person" - oh, not at all like that. Usually, in the behavior of the interlocutor, only the signal “there is something here” is read and no more; what exactly is hidden is often impossible to guess without a separate clarification. An important topic for a person signals its importance by the fact that when we approach it, a person tenses. Or the fact that we don’t approach her at all (well, the person got the hang of it so that the topic of money, for example, would never come up even where it seemed to belong). Or the intonation of the interlocutor suddenly changes distinctly. But what does this mean - only the person himself knows about himself. Was he tense because talking about mom reminded him that mom is very sick to think about it hurts; or because we touched on traumatic childhood memories where his mother left him for five days; or because the person yesterday took my mother on the train to her hometown - to the one where the first love lives, which recently got divorced and is now lonely …

It is impossible to guess. Only the heroes of police serials unmistakably "read people", but there, of course, are full of semi-fantastic additions. Psychologists have to ask and clarify.