Boycott And Inexplicability: Who Is A Perverse Narcissist?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Moral violence, or abuse, in the Russian context is considered almost a phenomenon that lies within the framework of social norms - but in reality it is often a consequence of narcissistic personality disorder. For a healthy person, such communication can be very destructive and can cause deep depression. T&P talks about how to identify and fight back a moral abuser

What is Narcissism?

The word "abuse" itself is translated from English as "violence" and "abuse". Abuse in interpersonal relationships is familiar to most of us, but not everyone knows that they may not be the result of neglect, but a consequence of a narcissistic personality disorder (ADD), which suffers from one of the participants in the relationship. This pathology occurs in a significant number of people: from 1 to 8% of the total population of the planet, according to various estimates. According to the international classification of diseases DSM-V, it can be defined by the general signs of personality disorder (grandiose conceit, fantasies of unlimited power or ideal love, belief in one's own "exclusivity", the need for exaggerated expression of delight towards oneself, the illusion of one's own special rights, inclination exploiting people, lack of ability to empathize, envy and arrogant attitude towards people), which are accompanied by specific violations in the work of the individual and in the process of building interpersonal relationships.

The person with narcissistic disorder is self-centered, obsessed with the idea of his own greatness and superiority, is clinically incapable of empathy, and does not feel guilty for wrongdoing. He devalues what is related to others and idealizes what is related to himself. At the same time, the narcissist does not suffer from hallucinations, does not show signs of manic states, and generally gives the impression of a completely healthy person.

Perverse narcissists do not choose weak or insecure people as their "victims". Their target audience is bright and smart people.

Of course, not every person with NRL will become violent if you get close to them. Like any diagnosis in the field of mental health, it has a rather wide gradient, so that the patient may or may not be aware of the problem, or not fully aware of it, fight or not, persistently change psychotherapists in search of truly effective treatment or methodically bring partners before committing suicide.

The type called "perverse narcissist" is really dangerous for others. This definition was first voiced by the French doctor of psychiatry, specialist in victimology and criminology, Marie-France Iriguayen, author of the book "Moral Harassment". A distinctive quality of perverse narcissists is the ability to turn any situation upside down, perverting its details and partner's conclusions (perverted - from the Latin pervertere - perverted, twisted). It is they who choose moral violence as an instrument of interpersonal relations, and it is from them that it is not easy to leave without crippling the psyche.

How to identify a perverse narcissist?

Perverse narcissists do not choose weak or insecure people as their "victims". Their target audience is bright and smart people, open-minded, successful, impressionable, full of optimism and vitality. Often, relationships with perverse narcissists end for their spouses and friends with clinical depression and suicide, even more often - with psychological trauma, which then heal for years, if at all.

A perverse narcissist can be identified by distinctive features of behavior, which, as a rule, they cannot completely disguise, despite their developed adaptation skills and a brilliant image. In general, the following details should alert the potential "victim".

1) A person speaks negatively about past partners, verbatim blaming them for problems or breakups.

2) A person is not inclined to admit his guilt and shifts the responsibility to others.

3) Having met this person, the partner began to sleep less, eat poorly, lost weight, began to feel dizzy in his presence, or faced other unpleasant changes in the field of well-being. It is generally accepted that the psychosomatics of the beloved and friends of perverse narcissists begin to fail early, and this happens even against the background of the apparent absence of problems.

4) A person seeks to tie a partner to himself as early as possible, up to marriage or moving.

5) Perverse narcissists sometimes have "inhuman reactions", although in general such people closely monitor their behavior. Like patients with psychopathy, they do not experience emotions in the conventional sense of the word, but they imitate them perfectly. Narcissists are capable of observing others, calculating successful mechanisms of influence, but in unusual circumstances they can display insensitivity, lust for power, or anything else that lies outside the scope of normal reactions. For example, such a person is able to tell how "well" he punished the offender (and the punishment will look disproportionate to the offense), how cleverly he used someone, or how interesting it is to watch others suffer.

How does abuse work?

The first stage of the relationship with the perverse narcissist is sometimes called the "honeymoon" by researchers. During this period, a partner may come to visit his "superhero" and find that he has prepared his favorite dish from childhood, or find an exact copy of a long-lost precious pendant on his desk, or receive tickets to Bora Bora for his birthday.

The honeymoon looks flawless, but it can't last forever. Indeed, in the place of self-esteem, the perverse narcissist, figuratively speaking, has a bottomless hole into which all the delights of others and his own achievements are sucked in vain. Due to a personality disorder, deep down, such a person feels insignificant, experiences desperate envy and anger. Lack of empathy does not allow him to empathize, and the illusion of his own greatness does not allow him to perceive other people as equals. For a while, the narcissist manages to restrain negative feelings (purely for strategic reasons), but then his patience runs out.

The laws of communication are depreciated, respect disappears, and from a precious chosen one or a dear friend, the second person quickly turns into a powerless violator.

The moment this happens, the "honeymoon" ends, and the so-called "ice shower" stage begins. A prince or princess suddenly, often in just one terrible day, turns into an unpredictable aggressive creature that attacks a partner with the cruelty of a chimera and in a few hours manages to turn his whole picture of the world upside down. The laws of communication are depreciated, respect disappears, and from a precious chosen one or a dear friend, the second person quickly turns into a powerless violator.

As a mentally healthy person should, a lover or friend of a patient with ADD in such a situation will likely begin to suspect that there is some fault in what happened. This is exactly what the perverse narcissist needs. At the second stage of the relationship, his task is to destroy the partner's self-esteem, humiliate him and thus assert himself. This is why such people tend to keep their partners close, reviving the circumstances of the "honeymoon" if necessary, and then again taking on their main aggressive form.

Boycott and inexplicability

Despite the fact that, from the victim's point of view, the behavior of the perverse narcissist looks unpredictable, in reality this person uses recognizable techniques, described in detail in the first Russian-language book about the communication techniques of patients with NRL - "Fear, I'm with you" by the writer and journalist Tatyana Kokina-Slavina:

• "fit of anger", when the narcissist in a harmless situation suddenly shows wild rage;

• gross violation of an important promise or demonstrative default on obligations;

• "accidental" disclosure of a shameful secret, which becomes available due to the injection of compromising evidence;

• a pause in communication not agreed with the partner - that is, a boycott;

• a statement about an allegedly impending breakup or a frank hint that a breakup may occur, presentation of a list of conditions;

• tangible, but not motivated by anything cooling of relations.

Of course, all of the above can happen in relationships without NRL, healthy or not, for a variety of reasons. The following criteria can be used to correctly assess the circumstances and test them "for narcissism":

• the presence of a strong negative emotional response, • suddenness of the antics and lack of intelligible motives, • denial on the part of the alleged narcissist.

This denial can take the form of gaslighting, a form of psychological violence designed to dissuade a partner from what he saw clearly, confuse him and lead to false conclusions. Typical phrases in this case sound like “nothing like that happened”, “I don’t understand what you mean,” “you complicate everything,” “you overreact to ordinary remarks,” etc. As a rule, such an onslaught greatly deprives balance, so that a person really begins to doubt himself.

An ugly scene after the "honeymoon" completes the first circle of relationships, and after that communication becomes cyclical. The positive phases begin to gradually narrow, the negative ones grow, so that the relationship becomes like a manic-depressive disorder, and codependency forms between partners. “Be prepared for more and more repetitive cycles,” says Sam Vaknin, an Israeli writer and researcher on narcissistic disorder, author of the books Surviving a Narcissist, Malicious Self-Love, How to Divorce a Narcissist and a Psychopath, and others. and then devalues and discards the object of his original idealization. This abrupt, heartless depreciation is aggression. The narcissist exploits, lies, makes senseless, offends, ignores, manipulates, controls. The narcissist is almost entirely controlled. This is a primitive and immature reaction to the circumstances in which the narcissist, most often in childhood, was helpless."

In dealing with partners, perverse narcissists often appeal to their "hypersensitivity" and tendency to create problems "out of the blue." A person steadily loses his rights in communicating with him: the right to ask questions and receive answers, talk about his feelings and get angry. Anger and resentment turn out to be "unreasonable" or "irrational." Indeed, in order to gain complete power over a partner and legitimize the absence of human feelings, the perverse narcissist needs to depersonalize him, destroying his "I".

At the second stage of the relationship, the perverse narcissist has two recognizable tools: "retention tactics" in dialogue and "water torture". The first technique is usually expressed in the fact that the discussion of relationships, as well as the ability to express their thoughts and feelings is blocked. The narcissist translates the topic of the conversation, gets distracted by extraneous things, reduces the conversation to a joke, puts it off for later, scoffs, complains of feeling unwell, and devalues the interlocutor in other ways. For example, patients with NRL often exhibit hostile coldness that they deny. This strategy allows them to make their partner angry and cry in order to then ridicule his anger and thus humiliate him.

“Torture with water” is performed without raising the voice. In the process, the narcissist perverts, turns inside out and brings the partner's words to the point of absurdity, without removing the bored arrogant mask. Of course, not everyone can tolerate this kind of treatment, so many narcissists lose their victims at some point. This causes them fear and even panic, so that the methods of moral violence are instantly replaced by a new "honeymoon". This game can go on for many months or even years.

How to deal with a perverse narcissist?

The only way to escape moral abuse from the perverse narcissist is to stop communicating with him. You need to understand that such people behave this way because of mental pathology, and it is impossible to re-educate, change, heal, remake or save them. His problem can be partially solved only by a psychotherapist or psychiatrist who is able, among other things, to prescribe the necessary medications. Today, doctors do not know why patients develop narcissistic personality disorder. Some experts are sure that it is transmitted genetically, others believe that it is solely a matter of upbringing, when a person is not paid attention to in childhood, or, on the contrary, they evaluate him too harshly. In addition, there is a theory that the incidence of NRL increases during unfavorable periods in history. Either way, none of the narcissists is to blame for getting sick, even if they behave like a sadist. Although this, of course, does not mean that you can allow him to torture yourself.

As from any painful relationship, it is also better to leave these with the support of a psychologist, or even better - a psychotherapist. There is absolutely nothing shameful in asking for help: after all, we do not hesitate to show our injured ankle to the surgeon instead of applying plantain leaves to it for weeks. Talking to a specialist will help you get through the pain of humiliation and loss, start putting things in their place, understand what exactly happened, and find ways to cope with it.

The only way to escape moral abuse from the perverse narcissist is to stop communicating with him.

An intermediate option: to leave the narcissist in place and improve yourself - unfortunately, does not exist. Narcissistic personality disorder today is very difficult to correct, not to mention the fact that in its "perverse" version it is also rarely recognized as a disorder. A perverse narcissist, who can be called a pathological manipulator, would rather try to "control" his doctor than want to change something.

Romance, friendship and even business relationships with perverse narcissists are usually given to their victims with a lot of blood, so the only way out is to interrupt them as early as possible, or even better not to start at all. After all, as with conventional medicine, prevention is much cheaper than treatment in mental health. Especially considering that in this case you have to pay not with money, but with spiritual well-being and the safety of the personality, which, unlike the body, is not so easy to fix.