2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
For many years I was tormented by the need to forgive, which various clever books, public opinion and Christian morality instilled in me pathetically. It seemed to me that this was some kind of universal ambush, because I could not forgive some of the characters and the feeling of guilt grew successfully - well, how can it be, because smart people write, but I can't. And then, my inquiring mind could not grasp the logic in the line "I sinned - I came to church - your sins were forgiven - I went on to sin." The overwhelming majority of citizens live like this, not in the least clouding their bright image either by awareness, or repentance, or by restraining themselves from further misconduct.
I have a lot of thoughts on the topic of forgiveness, but I know (NOW I already know) that you cannot forgive someone who has not repented, it is not really possible to forgive.
Revenge, as a polar act of forgiveness, is also not suitable for everyone. Marina Tsvetaeva said that a person's strength lies not in what he can do, but in what he cannot. This is about deliberately creating evil, even if in response, you still need to be able to …
What then? Revenge does not fit, you cannot forgive …
It is clear that you exclude a person from your life, or you continue to stay close, pretending that everything is fine, but the place still hurts.
At this point I have been stuck for several years. It took me several years to grow to the point that I should trust my own feelings. And if anger in response to an evil inflicted is the strongest of these feelings, then so be it.
If a person succumbs to public opinion or religious commandments and "tries" to forgive the offender, then he hides this rage and anger deep inside, suppresses. And it seems to him that it is quite successful. But suppressed feelings find a way out - in constant fatigue, in irritation, in sharp jokes or bitter reproaches, or in bilious silence, a readiness to explode out of the blue. But besides anger, there is also real pain that many experience. And the calls to “forget and forgive” are calls to ignore and devalue this pain.
There is another side to all this.
Forgiveness is always a position from above, from above. Here I am all so sublime, noble and I forgive you! Who am I to forgive? In the old days they said - God will forgive. And I have such a suspicion that for the other side, forgiveness WITHOUT REPENTANCE is also not good - so I forgive a person all the time, forgive, all of myself is so good … (oh, pride!), But who is he then? Relationships require balance, then they are stable, and what kind of balance is there when I am on top all the time. The damage must be compensated in any case, then equilibrium occurs and further relationships become possible. Damage is not compensated for with words. “Forgive me” doesn't work here. Repentance, regret, an attempt to restore what was destroyed, some kind of action - that's what is needed. The exit, as is often the case, is the same as the entrance: if you did something bad, do something good, make up for it.
Compensation is not revenge. This is not about "let it be bad for you too!" It's about putting something good on the other side of the scale in order to outweigh the bad that has been done.
Compensation is important to both parties. The forgiving side receives a counterbalance and an opportunity to prove itself as a generous person. And the party providing compensation - straightened shoulders without a load of guilt, and - which is very important! - the opportunity to participate in further relationships on an equal footing, without debts, and - what is even more important! - a big step in spiritual development. Because repentance, if it is truly from the heart, is a great work. To honestly look at what was done, realize, feel the pain of others, find the courage to admit …
I am warmed by the thought that there is more good in people than bad, and even if they do something indecent, something similar to conscience gnaws at them. And if everything in this world has its value, then the feeling of guilt is also not a weak payment that a person assigns to himself without repenting.
All this on condition that the person is not the last bastard. And if the latter, then my forgiveness will be an absolutely gorgeous gift for him. I can't afford such gifts. Sometimes there is more resource and strength in “not forgiving” than in “forgiving”, a strength that gives a person inner confidence, the ability and the right to defend himself in the future.
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