Along The Edge Of Your Destiny

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

No! I don't need anything from you

No, all I want is

A shadow on your way, Take a few steps.

(Leonid Derbenev)

It often happens that clients come to psychologists with requests that are very fond of. And I am no exception. I will not write about clients, rearranging details, names and dates. I will write about myself.

I used to tell this story as funny, but now I understand that this is a very sad and bitter story.

Many years ago, on a dating site, I met, well, let's call him, Ilya - an artist, guitarist, journalist, a little adventurer and just a charming man. Ilya wrote me long, enthusiastic, gentle letters. When he met, he was gallant and ironic. He appreciated the high literary style and could not tolerate spelling mistakes. I tried my best: at night I composed exquisite phrases, rearranged words in places, checked punctuation with a Russian language textbook. I really tried hard.

Suddenly, Ilya disappeared, evaporated, disappeared. I fidgeted, tormented, sobbed, even got drunk. Life became unbearable, but it never crossed my mind to call or write to him, to ask him what actually happened.

On February 23, with trembling hands, I sent him a poem of my own composition. In response, he sent me a virtual rose, and silence reigned again.

Ilya appeared a month later, as if nothing had happened. He wrote that he was bored. I asked him not to disappear. I didn't say a word about how I felt, how I climbed the walls, cried. It didn't even occur to me to be offended, to get angry. My pain didn’t seem important to me. Ilya was important, his return.

I became even better at writing. I tried my best to be interesting and witty, to pick up original phrases, to refer to trusted sources. Ilya expressed delight, showered me with compliments. I was glad to try. But before the next scheduled meeting, my friend disappeared. He just disappeared.

After waiting a few days, I deleted the profile from the site. I sobbed all day. I was sad, hard, almost unbearable. Ilya called a week later, asked how I was doing, and said that he understood my condition. And he even added that I am growing internally. Then he gallantly said goodbye and hung up. Do you think I objected to him, angry? No. I continued to wonder what I did wrong, what was wrong. Be puzzled and wait.

The next call from Ilya came six months later. He quietly spoke in a tragic, hysterical voice, how sorry he was that nothing came of it. He paused a theatrical pause and added cheerfully: "And it won't work, because I'm getting married!" Then he chatted something about the fact that I would also be lucky, that I am a very good person and some other words. I was completely lost and cried, my temperature even rose, I was so bitter. But again I didn't say anything. She listened to everything obediently and said goodbye.

The next day I called Ilya, congratulated, said that I was pleased to know that I was on the short list of the groom's friends. We laughed and said goodbye. This was my first and last call.

I continued to gnaw at myself, thinking, what am I wrong, what I did wrong, why he didn’t choose me, if I’m so good and write so great, and a hundred times in a circle.

And now I am sad to remember that I didn’t try to stand up for myself, I didn’t love myself at all. It didn’t even occur to me that such a relationship was not suitable for ME.

And I would like to dwell on this very moment, when you realized that I was a helpless victim of an insidious seducer, and forgetting about myself, tried to cajole him. But the matter is a little more complicated.

In a strange way, despite all the efforts and sleepless nights, I was not in this relationship. I was afraid to show myself. I was afraid to say something that would betray my imperfection. If you imagine a tennis table and two players, then I just caught and carefully returned the balls thrown by Ilya. I reacted to Ilya, to his words and actions. I played his game, although he did not ask me about it.

And in this game, he became very significant, swollen to an incredible size. Got too big for an ordinary man with merits and demerits. On the one hand, it seemed like it was pleasant for him to show off on the pedestal, but on the other, he wanted to take off his Monomakh hat to the devil.

The fact is that I lived with the feeling that I was an unnecessary, unimportant person, that my feelings did not matter. Based on this, I built a personal and work relationship. They did not reckon with me, not because I lacked talents, knowledge and skills, but because I did not reckon with myself.

What am I doing this for? To how important it is to present yourself to the world, to be yourself in a relationship, to allow yourself to be imperfect, ridiculous. Yes, it happens! Living people make mistakes, and even, GOD!, Make spelling mistakes, say nonsense, confuse Akhmatova with Tsvetaeva. And living people are in pain, angry, disappointed.

It's important to take care of yourself. Monitor whether YOU are comfortable in the relationship. And if not comfortable, then what are YOU doing in them? Why do you choose a relationship in which YOU are not appreciated?

These conclusions were given to me very hard, with long hours of personal therapy. But now I understand much better what I am looking for in a relationship, why I am entering it, what I can give up and what I cannot.

And I can help other people change their point of view, otherwise see the relationship and my role in them, take a more adult and responsible position, become more confident and happier.