Mom Is NOT Required: Memo For Adult Children

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Separation is not a one-sided process, but we often talk a lot about parents who are not ready, cannot, hold, do not let go. About mothers who tie, fearing loneliness and uselessness, and whose world is centered around children. We are used to thinking that parents have a lot of responsibility for the quality of life of their children.

But there are also children who DO NOT LEAVE.

To leave, to leave, and sometimes, if necessary for survival, to quit is the task of grown-up children if they want to find their way.

And with this, everything is often much more complicated. Because if it is comfortable and warm with parents, more than uncomfortable, then it is difficult for the impulse to “break away from” to be born and formed.

And if it is difficult, cold and painful with parents, then I really want and believe that this can change and I can influence it. No one has canceled the child's omnipotence, but it is able to hold tightly emotionally near the parents, even if physically you are far away.

Also, the idea of parental responsibility keeps close to the parents. If he gave birth, then he should. Just try to imagine what you SHOULD NOT.

To love, to be, to educate is an option that is built into someone or acquired and he uses it if he wants and knows how, but someone does not - he only brings the child into this world and is able to provide something very limited (minimum survival kit) and the child has to deal with this given. Look in other places, in other people, in yourself, anywhere. To experience scarcity and anger, and rage, and resentment, and powerlessness … And resign ourselves and move on.

The world is not limited by parents, if you allow yourself to notice this and not waste your energy looking for a source in the desert. The sooner you can notice this and live through the disappointment in connection with this, the more strength and time you will have for your life. And it is in this place that a place for relations with parents can appear, only not out of need, but because it is important or because you want to.

To give up expectations and hopes is, first of all, to give up power. It is the feeling of power or the desire for power that always keeps near the possible, expected, charged with hopes source of anything.

Another way to allow yourself to grow instead of cultivating the inability to grow in yourself is to try to see in your parents people, and not objects of possible-impossible love. Here, if we succeed, you will notice that we ourselves are not very prolific sources of love. Especially for parents. You can, of course, again invite the parents to this place and point a reproachful finger - that is who is to blame for the fact that we are. Their contribution can really be significant. But it is always more difficult to see, to appropriate, that we, children, are also investing.

How often do we viciously demand from this rental position (inside ourselves, if you don’t lie to yourself, you can see how well we wind ourselves up to keep them on a short leash, but along the way, and ourselves next to them) - love us, such and such, we your children and you are obliged to us, while at the same time we do not want to see that we, too, so-so, love them with a C grade.

And many of us are not at all ready to accept their peculiarities, troubles, a different worldview, their feelings, their aggression towards us. To recognize what is valuable that they have or they do for us. Or what they do not do, thus giving us a lot of freedom and excellent examples of how not to live, although this is not immediately obvious.

We often do not want to deal with all this.

It’s not good, and not bad - it’s just that.

Another thing is that often this confrontation of ours, these clearly exaggerated, to the point of disgust, differences between us and our parents are just needed to make it stuffy nearby, impossible, easier to devalue and easier to disconnect, leave.

Then, however, in order to be able to discover how much we are in some way similar, but this is much later, if possible, as we grow up and become aware of other meanings and tasks of development.

Leaving also means stopping thinking of your parents as HELP.

Stop taking responsibility for their lives, their happiness, their feelings. See that they LIVE SOMEONE. They are happy about something and upset about something.

Perhaps not the way you want, not the way you would like it, perhaps, in your opinion - wrong, unhappily, dependently, in darkness, but they live. They don't have to make your eyes look happy. How they can live.

Teaching you, perhaps, that you can live AS YOU CAN and you can still see and learn from them again - HOW NOT TO LIVE.

But to see this, you first need to acknowledge your powerlessness again, your helplessness - yes, you should not provide their happiness, but they should not provide yours either.

This is one of the key points of exit from the now habitually called emotional dependence on parents.

And it is often just scary. It’s scary to admit that we’re scared, and what if we don’t cope, we don’t survive, we don’t get a job, we don’t find someone who would love us or whom we would love, we won’t be able to, we won’t be able to love, we will and will remain forever alone, useless, helpless, confused. We will break down and will not follow the path "for our own life." This can all happen, of course. But the parents have nothing to do with it again.

These are all natural feelings that arise where they should arise, at the point where you need to choose "Where should I go?" There, where I no longer want than I want, but I know how - and this is the path of safety.

It is here that we pay with our life and the fact that different things could happen to us in it for warmth and “conventional familiar calmness” and an almost complete absence of changes. Stable, but habitually dull swamp.

Or we risk going an unfamiliar path, in search of opportunities, but also a collision with impossibilities and no one knows how it will go, and here we pay with security for something new, for finding our own.

This is the door to your own life, the keys to which only you have. The parents had their own doors and the way they opened them and opened them does not oblige you to do the same.

The keys just need to be noticed, appropriated and stopped throwing them at your parents if you do not want to completely lose them. You can learn to use the keys in the course of your life … published by econet.ru If you have any questions on this topic, ask the experts and readers of our project here