Sex: Why Are They Doing It?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

“Based on the broadest clinical experience, I can confidently say that only in minor cases in the history of our civilization the sexual act was based on the feeling of love. Mutual anger, hatred, manifestation of sadistic emotions and contempt are an integral part of the love experiences of a modern person. V. Reich.

At first glance, a strange question appears in the title. How is that why? Among the reactions to my post about the closeness of a man and a woman, there was often the following: “Sex is everything that unites a man and a woman, and any normal man always strives to have sex. If he does not have this aspiration, he is an impotent man or some cowardly nerd who is simply afraid to conquer a woman. " The question "why strive to have sex with every pretty woman" often baffles such commentators. "Because that's biology!" However, if you think about it …

The biological need for sex in humans has long been divorced from its immediate purpose. You can draw an analogy with food: people in more or less well-fed countries (and Russia belongs to them) do not always eat because they are hungry. We can eat because we are visiting, and this is part of the accepted ritual. We can eat because we are emotionally hungry, and food is a surrogate for emotion. We can eat because we are used to chewing something constantly … And so on. A similar story with sex. In this post I will speak from the perspective of men, although women's motivation is fundamentally no different from men's, only the ratio of motives differs (something is more often in some, something in others).

One of the simplest motives is relief of sexual tension, discharge. A typical situation is men after long isolation from women (at sea, in prison, in the mines, etc.). They are often completely promiscuous, almost any woman will do … Even a rubber doll … This is "quick sex", the purpose of which is the fastest possible discharge, there is no time for intelligibility and not for gourmand (more often observed in men). A severely hungry person can also fill up quickly by swallowing large chunks of food, not trying too hard to chew them. This is a motive typical of adolescents and adults who are on "sex hungry rations."

Relief of sexual tension is often not accompanied by an orgasm. There is such a widespread myth that every ejaculation of a man is an orgasm. But an orgasm is an experience of a strong sense of pleasure, and during ejaculation, especially after the "starvation ration", it may not be. Just an outflow of semen, without vivid emotions. Men rarely talk about this feature J).

Another popular motive is self-affirmation and compensation. Sex is not important in itself; moreover, it is not important at all. Those emotions that are received through sexual actions, but which are not directly related to them, are important. From this position, seducers and rapists are on the same side of the barricades. The former assert themselves through seduction, the latter through violence. “The courtship process excites me, and when a woman is ready to surrender, I get bored. And sex for me is a dreary action, once or twice and run away from this woman, which I don’t need in principle”. "Don Juan" and "Casanova" are often good seducers and bad lovers, since they do not need sex, they are not aroused by a woman, but the power they acquire over her, the process of "conquest". "Pickupers" are a parody of them … The rapist is also turned on not by a woman, but by power and fear.

This group also adjoins the desire for sex as a means of distracting from other, burdensome thoughts and feelings. Especially from the fear of death. There is an example given by I. Yalom. One of his clients had a strong desire for sexual relations with various partners. And then one day, having arrived on a business trip to the city, where he had several women, he rushed to call them. It so happened that none of these women could visit him that night. And then the man thought with relief: "Well, I can read a book in peace." That is, sex as such was not important to him, behind this obsessive need, according to Yalom, was the fear of death … Sex as a way to avoid intimacy (which I already wrote about) is also from here. We compensate for the impossibility of intimacy with affordable sex …

Demonstrative kisses "in public", frankness with unfamiliar people in stories about their own adventures, public aggressive-sexual and provocative behavior (up to exhibitionism) - all this is also from self-affirmation, and not from genuine sexuality. Arouses attention and admiration. There is no real sensuality in this. Shocking gay pride parades in some Western countries, in which social norms of behavior are grossly violated, also have nothing to do with sexuality, like any publicity. But there is as much self-affirmation and compensation as you like.

Another more adolescent motivation is curiosity … “Novelty excites” - this has its own truth, but novelty pushes for sexual exploits when there is an illusion that a new woman / man is physically somehow fundamentally different from the previous partner. Over time, many men and women come to understand that the real the fullness of sexual sensations is given by the experience of the uniqueness of the partner's personality, joint emotional experience outside of sex. For this awareness is important, however, a certain emotional maturity of the individual. Newness is certainly important, but not as a dominant motive.

One of the rather popular motives for sex is personal gain … Unlike self-affirmation and compensation, it is not so much about emotional benefits as about concretely measured benefits. Here, in one "bottle" - and prostitution, and sex for the sake of a career, and sex as a reward for expensive gifts. Blackmail by allowing / denying access to the body - from here. Teenage girls can go to sex to keep their boyfriends close to them, who motivate their departure by saying that they, girls, "do not give". As extreme examples: “weaning” the husband because he refused to take out the bucket. The body and sex are just tools. Impersonal, emotionally "dead" sex.

Another reason sounds rather cumbersome: duty … Most often it is conjugal. Where there is "duty", there is no living desire and joy, but there is a poorly realized obligation. This is routine sex on Mondays and Fridays, without much passion, simply because it is somehow familiar and even "necessary" ("we are spouses …"). If one partner, not wanting any sex, still succumbs to pressure from the other, this is also a duty. For example, you don't want to offend your husband's refusal: you can either refer to a "headache" or still give in. To say bluntly that today I just don't want you to be scary. Men also find it hard to deny their women sex. After all, "a man always wants" - this stereotype is so strongly hammered into the heads of modern men that some, because they do not want a woman for some time, panic with thoughts of impotence. What will your partner think if you just say, “I don’t want to today”? We need to come up with some rational explanations …

"Debt" can be found not only in partners who have known each other for a long time. There are so many stereotypes in the minds of men and women about how to behave "correctly" that there is no room for natural behavior. As a result, both may end up in bed without really wanting to.

Finally, we come to two relatively rare (paradoxical as it may seem) motives for engaging in sexual intercourse.

Enjoyment as an end in itself. When you have sex because you want to have fun. You anticipate it, and in advance, you get pleasure and a pleasant aftertaste remains … It looks like a gourmet who enjoys every bite of delicious food. Two partners, like gourmets, listen to their own movements of the soul and body, they are aimed at pleasure. Even if it is most often - my own pleasure, but … "For me, the pleasure will not be complete if I do not see the pleasure of my partner." Partners may not love each other, but the mutual desire for pleasure may well create a wonderful union - even if only for one intercourse.

Sex as a desire to express your feelings (love). Sex is a continuation of communication, and much depends on the kind of communication established between partners in their sexual life. Sexual affection can convey to a partner in body language love, tenderness, gratitude for a wonderful day, intimacy … Two people with their bodies tell each other about mutual value and importance, about warmth and passion …

Yes, he kisses me with the kiss of his lips! For your caresses are better than wine … Like a keeper's brush, my beloved is in the vineyards of Yengedi. Oh, you are beautiful, my beloved, you are beautiful! your eyes are pigeons. Oh, you are beautiful, my beloved, and kind! and our bed is green; the roofs of our houses are cedars, our ceilings are cypresses.

(Song of Songs of Solomon)

Sex as a desire to express your feelings is impossible if you do not know the person, if he / she is a random person hooked up somewhere in a nightclub. It is impossible if partners avoid talking to each other about important and intimate things, fearing rejection. For example, they are silent about problems in sex, fearing thereby offending their partner. Simulating passion or orgasm instead of figuring out what is happening in the relationship … It is impossible to express with the body what is not.

Therefore, it is easier to use surrogates. To be a "real man" who has many sexual victories, but lacked the courage to build relationships with any of the "defeated" women. To be a sexy bitch who never managed to say "I love" with my body … The reasons why people choose surrogates are varied, but the fast is already long. How to distinguish a surrogate from something genuine? The easiest way is to listen to your emotions after sex. It will be clear.