2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
One of the signs of the so-called healthy neurotic - that is, an ordinary client of a therapist who does not suffer from severe forms of neurosis, depression, who is not in a borderline state, but is simply dissatisfied with his life - is difficulty in expressing feelings. Anger, grief, joy, sadness, pain, disappointment, interest - both poorly recognized and poorly expressed. People can only notice an unbearable level of experience, the shades disappear, and everyday life seems insipid. But even in cases where most of the feelings are all right, shame is always very hard to express, repressed and secretly governs behavior.
There is a lot of shame in our culture. It's a shame not to communicate with your parents, even if they sold your kidney, it's a shame if your wife is cheating on you, it's a shame that your husband earns less than you, it's a shame to be outwardly imperfect - you have to hide it, it's a shame to ask for help, it's a shame to shout loudly and cry in public, ashamed to say that you like sex, ashamed to say that you are happy and have a wonderful lover, ashamed not to be the best and to be the best, ashamed to grow old and to undergo plastic surgery. And we often spend a lot of time and effort with our clients to overcome this resistance. Shame is unbearable; you cannot work with it the way we work with other feelings. Shame tells a person to 'fix nothing - die'. Most importantly, shame is a powerful tool of manipulation, which is why parents and teachers often use it.
And at the same time, shame nullifies all the resources and achievements of a person, and he remains helpless. Without therapeutic help, out of shame, people most often go either into aggression or auto-aggression. Sometimes it happens so quickly that a person does not have time to track down why he fell into such a rage or why he feels so shit and wants to die.
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