2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Author: Ekaterina Sigitova Source:
This manual should have been written for a long time. And I literally gathered for the whole last year, every time I met phrases like
And so on and so forth.
I can’t be silent any longer. Writing.
People! Thank you so much for being so caring. It's incredibly cool when someone is so anxious about others that they take the time and knowledge to comment and criticize. This is very valuable, and it is really important. Please take care of this indifference in yourself.
Only about the fact that the above is just criticism, someone cruelly deceived you.
What we call criticism and is seasoned with all these kinds of sauces, in fact, is not even close to it. Unfortunately, we are not taught to criticize all of us - neither in schools, nor anywhere else (perhaps, in a literary university). But we are all taught to be tough and even aggressive towards ourselves and others. Therefore, under the guise of criticism, many good people are trying to shove each other's aggression, resentment, claims, discomfort, unsolicited advice, a picture, a basket, a cardboard box and a little dog. Than often makes each other unfairly hurt. And real criticism, which would stimulate development - and which is really really needed! - in the end, very, very little. Literally with lanterns and a shovel, you have to look, and then it is doubtful that there will be.
Let's talk about criticism, about how to do well and how, if possible, not to do badly - and try to change our world for the better. BUT? BUT?
So what is criticism? This is the analysis, assessment and analysis of any work, phenomenon or product (and even a person), with an indication of the possibilities for improvement.
What is the purpose of criticism? Oddly enough, but - to help her object to improve herself or her creation, to stimulate development. Correct criticism evokes good feelings and positively motivates, because the object of criticism understands: he is not alone, he is being helped, they are worried about the quality of his work from a “shoulder to shoulder” position.
A person of Russian culture usually wants not only to argue with the previous paragraph, but to smash it to smithereens, because it doesn’t fit in his head. And there are reasons for this: the fact is, dear readers, that you and I grew up in very harsh conditions, in which there were few carrots, and there were much more sticks than we would like. I mean not so much families (although they too), but the conditions in general, the environment that has surrounded us for many years. For this environment, a typical mass "incontinence of negative affect", that is, the absolute normality of public reactions of any degree of harshness to everything in a row, without evaluating whether they are appropriate, whether they are adequate.
This, in turn, also has reasons:
Based on the results of all these processes, as well as personal unpleasant stories that happen to people, a certain set of rules and attitudes is formed in our heads. Among them are the rules / guidelines regarding criticism. For example, if you google the word "criticism" (in Russian), then the results will almost entirely consist of texts about destructive criticism - about accusations, discontent, complaints and anger. This is how this word and this phenomenon is perceived in our culture.
Unfortunately, basically all of our typical ideas are skewed and distorted, almost completely or completely not coinciding with the real understanding of criticism and its goals. I am sure that this can and should be corrected, first of all - in ourselves. This includes writing manuals and instructions and sharing experiences that will help those who want to learn how to criticize differently.
And with those who remained, let's look at the two most common mistakes that people of our mentality make in the process of criticism.
1) First, they give out their opinion without asking
The idea of answering only on demand (to anything) is also extremely difficult for a person of our mentality to grasp. Checkboxes "by default" are set in our heads so that any manifestation of any person in the environment automatically means that everyone passing by has an undeniable right to evaluate these manifestations, condemn, say something about them, somehow react to the best of their own strength and mind. And expect that they will listen to him (or even better, if they take note and thank him). Also, by default, there is a checkmark "take offense, get angry and speak out if you did not want to listen (accept, thank)."
ALMOST NEVER CAN'T EXPLAIN THAT IT'S REALLY THE VERSE!
Even now I'm not sure if I will be able to shout. But, you see, I'm trying. There is still hope.
People! If there was no demand in the environment for your reactions, then you simply should not have any urge to "criticize". And even more so, there should be no offense that someone is not interested in your opinion and you as its source. You can have feelings, thoughts, and reactions in response to any stimulus. But they are only yours, and you have to deal with them. If, for some reason, they immediately have a vector in the direction of feedback to the source of the stimulus, then this is unhealthy garbage, on many points at once. Work with unhealthy bullshit, please, and do not beat them about others for nothing. The whipping will not work.
2) Secondly, people consider anything to be criticism except it
The main reason, as I already mentioned, is the harsh environment in which we grew up, and the distortions of perception associated with it. As a result of distortions, we take for criticism simply everything negative in a row - both to ourselves and from ourselves.
Here I already want to give examples, because with them it is immediately clear what is meant.
1. Inappropriate Self-Messages
Examples:
I don’t like it, it didn’t help me, it doesn’t carry any information to me, it doesn’t apply to me, I’m not like that, etc.
Why is this not a criticism:
You share some of your emotion or thought: for example, broken expectations, annoyance about the time spent, insight, information about yourself, etc. not about him, and not about his creation. It turns out a bit like an anecdote - "I came to say that they would not count on me."
There is one exception: if you are a very typical representative of the audience for which all this is designed, then your emotions are important, they must be taken into account. Unfortunately, 9 out of 10 “critics” are of no interest in this regard either, which, of course, can be a shame, because you want to talk about yourself.
What does a person feel when he is "criticized" in this way:
Most often, bewilderment: who are you? But he can worry and lose motivation if it is important for him to please everyone.
How to turn into correct criticism:
Add why you think information about your emotions and reactions might be important. If it is impossible to add something like that, do not say anything.
2. Primitive negative assessment
Examples:
Bad, terrible, some kind of nonsense, nonsense, nonsense, sucks, well, bullshit, but this is complete nonsense, etc.
Why is this not a criticism:
Primitive - means simple, the very first level without stress. There is no benefit from this assessment, because it is subjective and too simple, which means that it cannot be “included in statistics” and cannot be a platform for improvement (nothing is specified). The above exception also applies here: if you are a very typical representative of the audience, or, for example, the boss of the criticized person, then your opinion is important. As you might guess, the majority of "critics" do not belong either here or there, but they are happy to evaluate everything around, without bothering too much.
What does a person feel when he is "criticized" in this way:
Resentment, indifference, fatigue - depending on the sensitivity to primitive assessments.
How to turn into correct criticism:
Complicate (for this you have to strain and reflect on your feelings, to understand what exactly they are caused by). Explain why your experiences are important (for example, you are the target audience). If your impressions are in no way important, but simply bursting with you, do not say anything.
3. Transition to personalities
Examples:
All personal insults, accusations, mentions of any information from the personal history of the object of "criticism", references to the nature of the object, assessment of his reaction to all this, etc.
Why is this not a criticism:
And again I must say that this point is the key difference between the Russian-speaking space (unfortunately). "Shame on the shitty gardener" as a result of the question about the piano, remember? Here, exactly this. We generally do not know how to consider an event, opinion or product in isolation from the personality of the creator. We sincerely think that everything is connected, which means that we have the right to discuss a person, as if it was she who was put up for evaluation. In addition, very often the transition to personality is used as a basis to nullify or fundamentally devalue what a person has done, or to bite him more painfully, finding vulnerabilities. Nobody can change a person's personality, and even more so not everyone wants to do it, so why bother with it at all?
I remembered a typical example - accusing feminists of being traumatized as the reason for their position that having a traumatic experience is something shameful and discrediting the position itself. Very few people can discuss feminism apart from the personalities of feminists.
What does a person feel when he is "criticized" in this way:
The range is wide, depending on the background: surprise, confusion, irritation, anger, shame, powerlessness (you cannot change yourself, which means you will remain a target, so it might be better not to do anything).
How to turn into correct criticism:
It is very difficult, but possible. Remove the personality altogether, and consider the product or process in isolation from it. If it doesn't work out at all, imagine that your closest friend or girlfriend did it, i.e. all the previous connections with the person that scratch you have stopped working. Then check if there is still a desire to say something.
4. Aggression
Examples:
Direct aggression - insults, rudeness, indirect - sarcastic and sarcastic remarks, passive aggression - well, now that something, etc.
Why is this not a criticism:
Everything is simple here. Aggressive release under the guise of criticism is an attempt to react with anger, envy, discomfort and other emotions through an attack on the object. Emotions can be caused both by the person himself and by his creation. Also, emotions may have nothing to do with anything "criticized". It is easy to guess that aggression does not contribute to any improvement and help, but what it does well is it creates a healthy desire to defend or attack in response.
What does a person feel when he is "criticized" in this way:
Depends on how much he can separate himself from what is being "criticized." If it separates well, it will feel regret, irritation, surprise. If it is bad, he will feel that he is being attacked, go into defense and demotivate himself.
How to turn into correct criticism:
Stop and take a step back. Try to understand where you got angry, and how your personal life story (or the history of your relationship with this genre, person, industry) contributed to this anger. If a place is found, submit a feedback in the format "At this moment … I felt / s angry because … I think it is important for you / you to know this, because …". If the place is not found, leave everyone alone and deal only with yourself further, because tracking random triggers of aggression is in your direct interest.
5. Hyper-expert performances
Examples:
Unsolicited instructions and lectures as needed, theatrical reproaches of shortcomings, hints veiled under questions, familiarity, condescension, instructive intonations, attempts to use manipulation and "training" (negative and positive reinforcement)
Why is this not a criticism:
First, I will clarify that for me the word "expertise" does not carry a negative meaning. We are all experts in something, and we often share our knowledge with each other, without any hierarchy. Speech in this paragraph is about redundancy. Being overly expert is a pleasant scratch on your PTSD, because such “criticism” itself emphasizes that you know everything much better. In some cases, it is also an attempt to compete or subordinate (i.e. contains aggression). Your message may well include valuable comments (there are real experts), but everything presented in this form will not reach the goal, because anyone will instantly be distracted by the cover. Except when he's a Buddhist, perhaps.
As an example, I would like to cite the habitual (and in most cases unnecessary) position of hyperexamination in men in relation to women. For any questions. It even has its own name - mensplacing.
What does a person feel when he is "criticized" in this way:
Depends on the severity of its narcissistic part. If it is expressed strongly, then he will be wounded, possibly wounded, as he will feel worse than you and feel ashamed. If it is weakly expressed, it will not notice, laugh or be annoyed.
How to turn into correct criticism:
Leave the entire content as it is. Reflect on your true motives, smooth out the bloated Ego and completely remove the excess of expertise. If this is difficult, then imagine that you are doing a joint project with a colleague, and both are responsible for the result and are worried (but it fell to him to report).
6. The requirement of ideality
Examples:
The wrong words were used, the color was wrong, it should have been different, this little thing spoils everything, well, is it really possible, you are doing everything wrong, you did not take this into account, too emotionally, and everything else from the series “you are not standing like that, not whistling like that."
Why is this not a criticism:
This is usually the viewer's perfectionism. Nagging tends to go to specific little things that are so blatantly “wrong” that the perfectionist becomes almost physically ill. Therefore, correcting them seems more important than the main object itself, and the emphasis is shifted. In fact, this is a requirement of ideality, and ideality from the point of view of a specific outsider. In order to achieve it, the other person needs to live in your head and know how to do it your way. Why would he? More often than not, we will not, because it is not a fact that in your opinion is better. Although you can injure yourself with such claims - we have an incredibly narcissistic world, where many are poisoned by fantasies about ideal products and the inability to support themselves in mistakes.
What does a person feel when he is "criticized" in this way:
Depends on the severity of his narcissistic, as well as the obsessive part (scary words!). If they are expressed strongly, then he will be "infected" from you and will feel that everything is gone, because ideality has not been achieved and he did not please you. If they are weakly expressed, it will not be affected. Perhaps he will even try to calm you down, because looking at the torment of a perfectionist is quite difficult.
How to turn into correct criticism:
It is very difficult to fight perfectionism, because its basis is painful: once something was not done well enough, and the consequences were too expensive. This trap can then work your whole life, but other people, of course, have nothing to do with it. So for criticism it is better to frame it as I-messages: "I feel that it is very important to change here.. and here … Because …". True, here we must remember about item 1 - does the other person need any information about you and how exactly you need to do it? It also helps to honestly answer the question, really could you, so smart, do what the other did better? And at the same time? The usual answer is “no,” if only because the product of another person is it, and so far you have only spasms from its imperfection. Then it might be better not to say anything.
7. Depreciation
Examples:
Why do you need it at all, you don’t want to do it, but in Soviet times we lived without it and nothing, it’s pointless, how much time you wasted, etc.
Why is this not a criticism:
Oh, this is the main scourge of all those criticized, because the message contained in the depreciating phrase is "you didn't really do anything." It is difficult to think of something more destructive. This cannot be criticism by definition, since it nullifies the very space for criticism. Why you want to nullify other people's results is a big question: sometimes it is a sincere opinion “it would be better if it weren’t”, sometimes it’s disguised aggression, sometimes it’s competition, and so on. In the overwhelming majority of cases, this is also a clear lie, because if the result were not really worth anything, there would be nothing to zero. Therefore, people who use depreciation fall into their own trap - since the energy spent by them clearly indicates the level of significance of the object of "criticism" for them.
What does a person feel when he is "criticized" in this way:
Devaluation is a narcissistic defense. If the person you are criticizing has a pronounced narcissistic part, then he will either become infected (that is, he will begin to experience his own insignificance), or he will get hurt.
How to turn into correct criticism:
This point is not. It is best not to say anything, but to figure out why you are so tempted to turn something into zero and bite someone else's Ego.
8. Requirement of containment
Examples:
“Loud” (in terms of power) messages about your feelings and sensations with detail (“I’m going to vomit now”), reproaches for the emergence of these feelings, presentation of yourself as your victim, demonstration of “injuries” and problems that have arisen because of you, indistinct cries ("Aaaa oooh frrrr ay-yay-yay kapets!"), Etc.
Why is this not a criticism:
Let me clarify that I do not mean real relationships where someone is traumatized, but only the types of human reactions to ordinary, simple things that should not hurt. An active demand for containment, in the absence of a relationship, is simply an attempt to extinguish his burning ass about another person, because either 1) there is a conviction that it is he who is to blame for the fire and should help extinguish, or 2) you want to punish him for your discomfort from burning (which you don't want to deal with on your own). The mechanism works regardless of the true causes of the fire, which can be (and most often are) deeply personal. As my colleague Polina Gaverdovskaya says, where he grabbed it, he shit there, okay, if he managed to take off his pants. It is curious that often "victims" spend on this item as much energy as not all of us have (and this is one of the signs that you should not worry about them).
What does a person feel when he is "criticized" in this way:
Some people feel bewildered, because, in fact, for some reason they are poking something with the left in them, and they demand to do something about it. Others (hyperresponsible or prone to feelings of guilt) can be induced and begin to contain in earnest.
How to turn into correct criticism:
Remove the shade of the requirement and issue it in the form of a "bug report": "I got the feeling that … Perhaps I am not alone / alone and if this was not your goal, then take note." It is also useful for yourself to figure out why you have a need or desire to carry your feelings to someone else. If this is an increased vulnerability and inability to deal with discomfort, then all the same, these are not the problems of others, and this must be taken into account.
9. Far reaching conclusions
Examples:
Now everything is gone; you did it because …; it will discredit the whole idea; all this for a reason; and also - literary techniques such as hyperbolization, pseudological calculations, etc.
Why is this not a criticism:
Because these are personal reflections, as a rule, deeply subjective (although people who agree with them can be grouped). From the outside, it most often resembles paranoia, a failure in thinking or a worldwide conspiracy theory, because the author usually cannot prove his conclusion. More precisely, he thinks he can, but gets entangled in his legs and falls. By definition, such shouts cannot contribute to any improvement - everything happens in the "critic "'s head, so you are powerless here.
What does a person feel when he is "criticized" in this way:
Irritation, anger, bewilderment, indifference - depending on the sensitivity to the reactions of others. Stable people can even make it laugh:)
How to turn into correct criticism:
If you are inclined to this, try before you issue a judgment outward, subject it to self-criticism, find the "weak link" in your reasoning. A good technique for this is - imagine that you need to refute your own position, what arguments do you use? Often, after this internal dispute, it turns out that there is nothing to say, since the indisputable turned out to be controversial. If there is still something left to say, present it as a thought and advise "For some reason it seems to me that … What do you think?"
* * *
Are you tired? Nothing, it's over soon. We have considered how not to criticize, and why. Now let's get down to the most important thing - how to criticize. How to arrange your comments so as not to hurt, not demotivate, not offend, but to support and stimulate.
Signs of good criticism:
How to criticize:
- Start with something positive and praise him well. It is important to do this sincerely, that is, to really find the good in the subject of criticism, and write in detail why it seems important to you. Fake praise is easily recognizable;
- Put all your negative emotions aside so as not to trigger defenses. Do not suppress feelings at all - just put it off for a while, as they will bother you;
- If your criticism is verbal, use warm reinforcement, positive body language, and a smile. Let me feel your benevolence. If written - the same, within the possibilities of the printed text;
- When proceeding to the actual points of remarks, instead of indicative sentences, use I-messages: instead of "you are wrong" - "I do not agree." This will avoid an accusatory tone;
- Be as precise and detailed as possible in describing the essence, what needs to be changed and improved. The more detailed, the better;
- Focus on behavior / product / creation, not the person. So you will save him from the feeling “I’m somehow wrong, I’d better go and lie in the bushes”;
- Try to enter the position of the criticized, sincerely try on the skin of someone who has already worked well - and not broadcast how bad everything is from your position. Sometimes after that it becomes clear that some points of your criticism are easier to voice than to do, given everything that he has already taken into account. And some need to be done differently than you think;
- Don't say too much at once. Limit yourself to two or three points, the rest can be added if there is a dialogue;
- Let's give ready-made solutions, i.e. process tips that you can take and use right away. If there are no ready-made ones, come up with at least one, even raw. This will make it easier for the criticized person;
- Be sure to end with something positive, and again - praise with quality and detail. The better you stroke at the beginning and at the end, the better the middle will be perceived.
That's all. Those who have read this far are good fellows and heroes! Finally, I would like to wish all the heroes something.
Please remember: the purpose of your intervention is to help someone become better, to fix a problem. You are not relaxing with criticism, you are not working out your stress, you are not scratching your ego. If you do do this, stop and think if you really have valid comments, or if you just need to talk to someone. If you REALLY want to help, make sure your feedback contains exactly this message. It is very difficult to separate the main from the secondary, but the best criticism is precisely the most conscious and most carefully thought out one. For the criticized, it is also the most convenient, because it can be immediately taken to work. With the help of such criticism, the problems and the ways to solve them are very clearly visible. At the same time, the criticized person does not receive a “free bonus” in the form of frustration, demotivation and a feeling of his own wrongness.
Take care of each other - both those whom you criticize (because there are too few people in the world who do at least something) and those who criticize (because people who really care are also, in general, few).
End.
Yes, as an exercise, you can quote criticism in the comments that you did not like, and we will all improve it and turn it into the correct one:)
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