I Want To Forget Him, But I Can't. Intrapersonal Conflict

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Today I want to tell you about an interesting psychotherapy session on Skype with my client. Her therapy began relatively recently and the process of building trust between the client and the therapist is still underway, but the already created space between us provides a good basis for important discoveries and understandings.

Client:

- Today I would like to work on the topic of past relationships. A few months ago, I broke up with a man I really liked. And I often think about him. Sometimes before going to bed, I dream that he will return, everything will work out for us. And when I catch myself thinking these thoughts, I try to switch over or logically prove to myself that the relationship has already ended, he needs to be released, and I'll have enough to kill him. But it doesn't work. Some time passes, and I understand that I am dreaming about him again.

I:

- Do I understand correctly that 2 Marina seem to live in you. One romantic, who often dreams of this relationship, conducts mental dialogues with this man, and the other is the practical Marina, who soberly evaluates the situation, tries to control her feelings.

(Obviously, the client has an intrapersonal conflict. This is a state of personality when at the same time there are equally strong, but mutually exclusive motives with which she is currently unable to cope on her own. This state causes many strong experiences, can negatively affect the quality of life, mood, performance, etc. Often the inability to let go of a man is just the tip of the iceberg. The reason for these experiences can be laid much earlier, in childhood as a result of traumatic situations, the inability to satisfy important needs. Each person has his own reasons for intrapersonal conflict, therefore they need to be investigated individually).

Client:

- Yes you are right.

I:

- Let's do this exercise. Let's work with your two subpersonalities, who live in you, and argue among themselves because of this man. Select 2 points in space (2 pillows, or 2 chairs). One will be the romantic Marina, and the other will be the practical Marina.

(This exercise is well suited for those who have developed imaginative thinking. For each client, the most suitable methods are selected for him. This is one of the reasons why the input to therapy takes about 10 meetings. This method is often used in Hellenger constellations, only there instead of points in space involves other people who experience certain emotions and states, and the client observes what is happening from the side. Often, substitutes accurately reflect the experiences. But qualitative changes occur when a person consciously experiences his emotions himself, understands their cause and effect - this makes it possible to better to be aware of himself and his behavior in life, and therefore to manage it. It is known that those conclusions to which a person came himself are remembered by him forever, and other people's thoughts and instructions do not have a tangible impact. thoughts, not memory. L. N. Tolstoy ).

Marina:

- I will take 2 pillows and put them opposite each other.

I:

- What state will we start with? Practical or romantic?

Marina:

- Practical.

I:

- Then take a place on the “Practical Marina” pillow and describe your condition, your thoughts, feelings, sensations in the body.

Marina:

- I feel good here. As a soldier who has already gone through a struggle, has become strong, tough, he understands everything, soberly evaluates the situation, can play along if it is beneficial to him, but does not let anyone close to him, he can give a good rebuff to anyone. The shell is so strong on him. Self-confidence, self-sufficiency is there. Whatever happens, he got up, dusted himself off, and walked on.

I:

- There is another girl next to you. Is Marina romantic? How do you feel about her? Are there any feelings or thoughts?

Marina:

- I treat her well. I understand her condition, although I do not approve of it. I cannot help her in any way, and it is not clear whether she needs to be helped? It's like a cold. Why stuff your body with pills? You need to give a little rest, tea with lemon, the body will develop antibodies and heal itself.

(A very important point is the realization of one's own powerlessness and allowing the other to experience their emotions, even if they are negative. It is at this point that the exit from the triangle “Victim - Executioner - Rescuer.” self-esteem It is very important to learn to feel comfortable in a state of powerlessness, and not to try to escape from it - this is the way to turn off panic attacks and hypercontrol).

I:

- If you have said everything, and there is nothing more to add, then I suggest you take another place in the space (the client switches to the second pillow). Now you are romantic Marina. Now I suggest that you close your eyes, remember those dreams and dialogues that you mentally conduct with a man. Try to immerse yourself in this state as fully as possible, and describe aloud your thoughts, your feelings, emotions, sensations in the body.

Marina:

- In the body, trembling, excitement. It’s such a feeling when you’re around and you don’t want to be distracted by anything. You feel butterflies in your stomach, pleasure spreads throughout your body, even from a simple touch.

I:

- Marina, I noticed that you describe your feelings from the second or third person and sometimes use the masculine gender. Let's now practice speaking about our experiences in the first person - “I feel, I want to,” etc.

(When a person speaks about himself and his experiences in the second or third person, this is a sign that the person wants to distance himself from the situation, as accurately and objectively describe the details as possible, i.e. turn off feelings and turn on logic. to enhance the effect and get to the bottom - it is necessary to pay attention to the emotions and feelings of the client, and immerse in them, because feelings are the cause, and thoughts and actions are the effect. we change our behavior in a very comfortable and effective way. This is the very inner work on ourselves, which is now fashionable to talk about at every step, but which still remains incomprehensible to many.)

Marina:

- I'll try. I have a slight excitement and anticipation of an interesting date. I feel at ease, I am loved and accepted, I feel the earth, support under my feet, peace in my soul, and my body is relaxed. I like to just be here and now. I just want to stay in this moment, I don't want to run anywhere. Time flows smoothly, I feel good and comfortable.

I:

- Marina is romantic, next to you is the practical Marina. Do you see her? How do you like it?

Marina:

- Yes, I can see it well. Her condition is some kind of uniform that she wears. In fact, she is not so strict.

(I see that at this stage there is no conflict between these two parts of the personality. Each person in the process of life assimilates different social roles that come to the fore depending on the context. But strong feelings are included when a girl contacts this man in your thoughts. So it is necessary to take one more point).

I:

- Let's introduce one more point in space - the man you are thinking of? What's his name?

Marina:

- Yes, let's do it. Here he will be here. His name is Dima.

I:

- Now Dima is next to you. I suggest that you close your eyes and focus on your feelings next to him. What's happening?

Marina:

- I feel very constrained. I want to cry. It feels like I want to say something, but I can't, because I have water in my mouth. I am afraid that they will not understand me, they will not listen to me, they will reject me. It feels like I'm pitying. It hurts me a lot. I really want to cry. I had exactly the same state when we last touched on the topic of mom. I feel lonely.

(Well, the reason for the intrapersonal conflict is visible - this is the relationship with the mother. The mother is the closest person. In early childhood, it is thanks to the relationship with the mother that the style and nature of a person's interaction with other people and with the whole world are laid. for some reason were not satisfied, it traumatizes the psyche. And then, becoming an adult, a person again and again plays the same emotional scenario with other people in the hope of resolving the traumatic situation and satisfying the repressed need. But, as a rule, this is not happens because each person has their own unresolved situations in childhood, there is no psychotherapeutic training to provide the other with the necessary support, and to rewrite this subconscious scenario., situations change, but the pain remains the same.)

I see that the client's face changes, her eyes fill with tears, her nose turns red, her lips tremble, but she does not cry. It would be very good to give vent to these emotions now. It relieves tension.

I:

- Are there any sensations in the body? Emotions?

Marina:

- There are no sensations, only sadness because they do not understand and accept me.

I:

- Not far from you is the practical Marina. Do you see her now? Maybe you have something to tell her?

Marina:

- Yes. Help me.

(Great! The tension did not turn into tears, but into an impulse to action. The ability to ask for help and support, to express your need directly and openly, without manipulation and hints is the easiest way to get what you need.)

I:

- Do you want to know the practical Marina's reaction and transfer to another point?

Marina:

- Yes. (Transplants). I feel a lot of love and care for her, and I want to help her, I want to touch her and give her support.

I:

- Now you can do it - touch, move to yourself, hug, if there is such a desire.

Marina hugs the pillow:

- I feel such a flow of love here, I feel so good and comfortable. It's like my child, I really want to take care and protect her. (The client smiles a happy smile)

I:

- You can stay in this state for a while. And when you feel that you have enough, you can switch places and feel like the one who is being hugged. Sit on 2 bunks, as if you were on handles.

Marina sits down and already feels in a different position:

- I feel good and comfortable, I now feel the flow of energy that fills me. I feel secure. I like.

(At this moment, the solution to the intrapersonal conflict occurred. In the personality structure, instead of Marina romantic, there was an inner child who felt rejected, he lacked love and acceptance. She lived these feelings over and over again in relationships with men, as she expected from them not masculine love, but parental. She could not receive it, because a man can never become and should not be a parent for his woman. This contributed to disappointment. But the need for love was very strong, so Marina again and again returned in her thoughts to the desired picture and could not let her go. The best way to saturate the inner hunger is to give herself support in the process of therapy. Marina practical - a different personality structure - turned out to be exactly the necessary and desired inner parent that was so necessary for the inner child. Connections of these two structures - a very good sign in therapy, since the client has an experience of emotional saturation of the satisfied needs and the support is transferred from external objects to oneself. One time may not be enough to fully saturate the inner child, but a huge step towards this has already been taken. Having learned to give the necessary support and support to oneself, a person becomes more self-sufficient, and begins to see real people, and not their projections, which is very good for relationships).

- Now I am a real Marina in a blue blouse, who is now sitting and talking to you on Skype. I am no longer a small child, and not a big aunt.

I:

- How do you feel now?

Marina:

- Good. It's easy for me, calm. I feel self-confidence, energy, I want to do something. This Dima is no longer interesting to me at all. I respect him, I have no dislike for him, but I no longer need him. If he himself wants to talk to me, then I will talk, but that attraction is no longer there.

(Saturation of emotional needs makes it possible to get out of the vicious circle of unhappy relationships and feel good and comfortable here and now, even if the desired partner is not around.)

I:

- We still have time. Do you want to add one more point - a worthy partner for you and see your reactions?

(If you are not satisfied with your relationship, then your reactions are what you need to start working on)).

Marina:

- Want.

I:

- Then choose another item and place it in space. Now close your eyes a little and imagine that this is the new man in your life. Happened? Describe your condition.

Marina:

- I feel excitement, joy again butterflies in my stomach, anticipation of an interesting date.

I:

- Want to know the man's reaction? Change over.

Marina:

- I'm calm. I have an interest in Marina.

I:

- Change to your seat. How are you now?

Marina:

- I feel uneasy. Let's agree to be frank with each other and talk about our concerns. I don’t want to risk my relationship because of some omissions.

I:

- How can your partner hear this?

Marina at the partner's place:

- Come on. I'll try if it's important to you.

Marina transplants to her point and confusedly turns to me:

- This is of course all good. But 5, 10 dates will pass, and then? I care what happens next? I've already had this in my life. So what? It all ended in pain and disappointment.

I:

- Now we have an exercise in which we can try different options and observe our reactions and the reactions of other objects. I suggest you try a new way of behaving - express your doubts to the emu man, and see his reaction.

(Z. Freud said that we meet only those people who already exist in our subconscious, therefore such exercises are very effective both diagnostic and therapeutic).

Marina:

“You know, I'm worried about the future. It is important for me to understand whether we will have something or not. I don't want to waste my mental strength on useless expectations. I already had this experience in my life, it hurts.

I:

- How do you feel now?

Marina:

- Anxiety, excitement.

I:

- Let's find out the reaction of the partner?

Marina:

- Yes, I understand you.

(The facial expressions show that there is a whole gamut of feelings that Marina is trying to hide under this phrase, and it is important for us to realize and understand exactly the feelings)

I:

- A worthy partner, how do you feel when you hear this?

Marina at the point of a worthy partner:

- I feel a little annoyed. I understand her, I understand where there can be fear. But I’m a different person, and I can’t prove anything or promise that it will be exactly the way I want it. This is life and it is, at times, unpredictable.

(This is true. There is no 100% guarantee anywhere. The inability to tolerate uncertainty is one of the hallmarks of neurosis.)

I:

- Is there anything else that needs to be said now? If not, then change. Marina, your worthy partner says he feels a little annoyed. How do you like this?

Marina:

- I am sad, I feel a strong anxiety that I could ruin something. I want to take a step back. Erase the last two phrases as if they weren't there.

(At this point, the sensation of "water in the mouth" arises, it eventually brings discomfort and those strong experiences that the client described a little earlier) I am afraid that it might be wrong again, or I said wrong, I could offend him with something. (Here the complex of a good girl manifested itself - “I was so afraid of upsetting or offending you that I closed my eyes to my feelings and agreed that in fact I didn’t like or didn’t fit.” It turns out that the girl thus cares about the feelings of the other A lot of psychological and physical abuse occurs when the victim voluntarily gives consent to abuse himself in order not to upset the abuser or avoid conflict. This happens when being good for another is more important than his own comfort or interests. Thus, a person ignores their boundaries, and gives the other the opportunity to define them. And other people cannot read minds, do not have hypersensitivity, and act on the basis of their comfort. As a result, this behavior negatively affects relationships, because the violation of boundaries is always accompanied by anger and resentment against a partner. It may not appear, be forced out into the subconscious, but you cannot hide an awl in a sack. The way out of this is to learn to take responsibility for your comfort and happiness, learn to understand yourself, your needs and openly talk to your partner about what is suitable and what is not, what brings pleasure and what does not, what worries and what makes you happy. The problem is that girls from childhood learn a number of norms and rules on how to be good, and often do not understand and do not feel their boundaries. In the course of therapy, the psychologist monitors light signals, feels the client's condition, and directs his attention to those feelings that he overshoots by habit. Realizing this, a person gradually begins to feel his boundaries and denote them.)

I:

- Let's find out how your partner reacted to this?

Marina (transplants to the partner's point):

- It's okay, be yourself … Show me yourself for who you are … And let me love you for who you are, if I succeed.

I:

- Our time has come to an end.

(Timing is very important in therapy. It is one of the ways to build personal boundaries between therapist and client. In addition, the client needs to learn new emotional material and comfortably integrate his experiences into life) Excellent end to today's session. Marina, occupy some other point in space. How are you feeling? …

Marina:

- Confused.

(A good feeling in therapy means that the old behavioral algorithms no longer work, which means that new ones will form)

I:

- Marina, you offered your partner to be sincere and talk about what worries so as not to risk the relationship, but you yourself were afraid of his irritation, and you wanted to rewind, as it were - this is avoidance of sincerity and the desire for everything to be right in the relationship. In a real sincere relationship, there is a whole gamut of feelings and negative ones too. As in nature there are no straight lines, so in living real relationships everything cannot be perfect, “white and fluffy”. You need to learn not to be afraid of them, but to deal with them constructively. The session is over for today. But with the fear of irritation of the partner and the desire to rewind back in order to be good, it will be possible to continue working if he does not leave after today's message from a worthy partner.))