The Price Of "love"

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

A case from practice.

Alina had a lot of boyfriends, but they all seemed somehow boring to her. But when she met Nicholas, she felt it.

It was bright and interesting with him, there was crazy, passionate sex. True, sometimes Nikolai suddenly disappeared, he could not call for several days, explaining this by his busyness, often some girls called him, which is why Alina was never sure of his feelings, of his loyalty.

They met for about a year, began to live together. Alina completely lost her head from love, but he was in no hurry to propose.

The relationship was uncertain. Nikolai did not promise her anything, referring to the unfinished relationship, to the fact that he was not yet ready for serious obligations. At the same time, he lived in her apartment, there were joint trips on vacation, many bright moments. Without him, her life seemed boring and monotonous, and he seemed to bring a breath of fresh air into her. He loved bright rest, was very temperamental, knew how to enjoy life. Being next to him, she seemed to feel more alive, it seemed to her that next to him her life was also becoming brighter and richer. She learned to cook Italian cuisine, which he loved, to do erotic massage, which his ex-girlfriend knew how to do and dyed her hair blonde (Nikolai's ex-girlfriend was a blonde and he still could not forget her).

Once Kolya, caressing her, thoughtfully uttered that, of course, he liked his chest more. Alina never had any complaints about her breasts, but she loved him and really wanted to get married, so she went for breast augmentation surgery without a doubt. At first Kolya was very pleased, but he was still in no hurry with the offer.

When Alina directly asked about his plans for the future, Kolya replied that, of course, he has feelings, and he even thinks about a wedding, but for him an important aspect of the relationship is sex, and against the background of large breasts, her small buttocks are lost, and he catches yourself on the fact that he is staring at other girls, with attractive buttocks.

Alina was very unpleasant to hear this, but now she at least understood why their relationship did not develop further, and therefore she went to the next operation without hesitation. It seemed to her that now she would definitely receive the long-awaited marriage proposal.

This operation went worse, the implants did not take root well, she was tormented by pain, and Nikolai quickly got tired of her poor health and visits to doctors, he began to be absent more and more often, and soon announced that he had decided to leave. Before leaving, he said that he finally understood that Alina was not his person, and he could no longer live together without love. No tears and pleas from Alina stopped Nikolai, and he went to a new passion.

For Alina, it came as a shock. At first she just lay there, unable to force herself to do basic things, go to work, answer calls from friends. At times it seemed to her that from the wild mental pain she could not even breathe. Further life without Nikolai seemed to her so gloomy and joyless that she did not have the strength to continue it …

Apparently, against the background of the stress experienced, Alina began to reject all the implants, there were many complications, they had to be removed, partially with her tissues.

She came to me precisely during this period, in a depressed state, with a question - how can she live with a body that she mutilated out of her stupidity and how to return her beloved, without which she still cannot live …

In practice, I very often come across the fact that people are trying in some way to "win", to get the love of a partner, to become what he wants. They learn to cook borscht according to a special recipe, give expensive gifts, forgive betrayal, beatings, change their appearance - they try in every possible way to adapt to the “ideal” of their beloved. Sometimes, as in this case, this tactic entails not only psychological trauma, but also compromised health.

It is very important to understand here that if the other person does not love you, does not accept you as you are - believe me, whatever you do to yourself, it will not change his attitude towards you!

Love cannot be earned or earned. The desire to achieve love at any cost is fundamentally a psychological problem (often it is an unconscious desire to gain recognition from a parent who was emotionally unavailable, and the person projects this image of a parent onto an unavailable partner).

When a healthy person is told - no, I'm not ready for a relationship - he hears "no" and moves on. But if a person with psychological trauma hears “no”, then this acts as a trigger for him - his obsessive goal becomes to get “yes” from this inaccessible person, because once the parent was emotionally inaccessible, and in the subconscious mind, love is associated with inaccessibility. And he is ready to fulfill any partner's requirements, in the hope of "earning" his love.

True love begins with self-love. Until we learn to love ourselves, the world and other people will only mirror our attitude towards ourselves. If your life lacks love - try to look for it not outside, but inside - treat yourself as your most beloved person - with respect, acceptance, care and attention.

Show interest in yourself - what are you? What do you like, what gives pleasure, interest? Fill your life with interesting activities, hobbies.

Only from a state of fullness can a healthy relationship be built. If you enter into any relationship based on a deficit (attention, money, care, entertainment), then this is a direct path to addictive relationships that have nothing to do with love.

…. Almost 3 years have passed. During this time, we have done a tremendous job - while the doctors were restoring Alina's body piece by piece, we were almost in the same way, in small steps, restoring the puzzles of her personality.

It was very difficult - we had to live a sea of despair and hopelessness, resentment and anger, regrets and powerlessness, emptiness and loneliness. We worked through those traumas and attitudes that contributed to this attitude towards herself, her childhood story. Alina re-learned her inner world, discovered her values, meanings, learned to value, respect and love herself, gained stability, built a picture of the world and a model of healthy relationships with people.

Now Alina's life has changed a lot - she found what she likes to do, changed her job, travels the world and no longer allows others to decide what she should be. And I am very happy about that.

And a week ago, she sent a wedding invitation and allowed her story to be published to help other girls not repeat her mistakes. For which I am very grateful to her!

Self-loathing can sometimes have dire consequences. When we allow another person to take control of our lives, it inevitably leads to dire consequences.

The story was written with the client's permission, all names have been changed. Take care of the most valuable person in your life - yourself!

Psychologist Veligurskaya Inna