2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
- Some wise man said that the trouble is not that we are getting old, but that we remain young. Aelita pondered over the hidden meaning of these words. He probably means the conflict between age and uncooled desires, aspirations.
A. P. Kazantsev
Old age is a specific time that is associated with many psychological problems, regardless of personal organization. Loneliness, numerous losses, both socially and psychologically, the problem of lack of demand, deteriorating health, a decrease in material income - this is not the whole list of problems of an aging person. Each person in the aging period needs to solve a series of age-related problems in order to develop a sense of the integrity of his own personality. The drama of aging, Ts. Todorov perceptively notes [1], consists not only in the fact that an aging person needs others, but also in the fact that others no longer need him.
Responding to the challenges of old age, a person needs to move on to a new consideration of himself, his uniqueness through the prism of not only one role, but also other roles, to realize the fact of deteriorating health, aging of the body and to develop the necessary patience and acceptance; overcome the prospect of near death, accept thoughts about death without horror, continuing your own life line by participating in the affairs of the younger generation.
Not everyone manages to face the challenges of old age and grow old “with dignity”, especially when it is difficult for a narcissistically organized personality. The possibility of a successful transition into old age is associated with a positive resolution of the previous age stages. As we know, the problems of overcoming developmental challenges arise in the narcissist already in the first years of life. In the concept of "continuous life path" old age is interpreted as a continuation of the past lifestyle, thus aging is the final drama of the narcissistic personality and the time of reckoning for sins.
Roles change, spheres of influence are narrowed. Some people leave and die, others do not care about the narcissist who has lost his position, power leaves with them, leaving a painful loneliness and emptiness. The emptiness and inhumanity of the narcissist turns into the fact that no one is around. The generators that pumped up his empty Self are already dead for a long time or do not want to know anything about the person from whom they knew nothing but exploitation and humiliation. The narcissist, without thinking about why this happened, condemns everyone - traitors, ungrateful criminals.
As long as the forces allow you to keep the reins in your hands, it is still not so bad, but as the narcissist descends from the peak of "grandeur", he falls into the twilight emptiness of his soul. The mirrors of da Vinci's room are cracking one after another, nothing more mirrors the greatness of the unfortunate narcissist. The members of the body are deformed, the hair grows dull and thin, the voice becomes raspy. Hearing and vision fail, memory behaves in a treacherous manner.
Convulsively clinging to the throne with dry fingers, the narcissist torments those around him with his irrepressible exactingness, digging a sting into those who cannot get away from him.
Sooner or later, but the narcissist goes to rest, day after day terrorizing everyone with annoying stories that, of course, mediocrity and mediocrity took his place, that everyone turned out to be ungrateful and dishonest.
The narcissist, as a rule, meets the challenges of old age with refutation and is unable to accept reality. Both envy and defensive devaluation of others are all desperate ways to maintain a sense of superiority and lost balance. Unable to maintain an image of superiority, an aging narcissistic personality weakens from within. She succumbs to fears associated with the onset of vengeful forces on her, which will make her their victim, since she is weak and dependent.
The confrontation with the inevitable - with death - causes terror in the narcissist, which he cannot cope with. Belief in personal exclusivity creates the narcissist's illusion that death can be avoided. In some cases, this faith does not leave the narcissist until his last breath. Others, feeling close to death, faced with the limitations of their own myth of immortality, fall into madness and pitiful, doomed to failure, attempts to prolong life.
The aging narcissist's vigilance and suspicion increases. The stories of intruders who intend to wreak havoc and cause damage become constant, these obsessive complaints only further remove from him those people on whom he has to depend. The aging narcissist marks a time when the painful perception of reality gives way to madness.
Absurd demands and a complete lack of interest in others in old age are aggravated to the point that it is almost impossible for close relatives to endure them. Some narcissists, as they become more weak, acquire an increasing ability to control their loved ones, making them feel even more helpless. If they can make you feel what they are most afraid to feel themselves, then they will no longer feel so acutely their helplessness. They use your helplessness to bypass the shame caused by their empty Self.
Along with the weakness and dependence that come with old age to all people, the elderly narcissistic personality has qualities that are specific only to her. If you decide to interact with your narcissistic parent or other relative, then you need to learn the process of your relationship with him, focusing on how you "got hooked", occasionally acting out your role in the narcissistic drama. What buttons do you have for your narcissistic parent to press? How do they work, what make you do?
You are no longer a child and you are not dependent on a narcissistic parent as you used to, but you may still retain parts of your parent's personality that you have not been able to separate from yourself.
Use all your valuable qualities and all that you have and can use to continue your development towards separation from the narcissistic parent. Think about which adaptation strategies you've used and which ones have been helpful and which have not. What do you need to stay mentally healthy?
If you find yourself in the role of a caregiver caring for an elderly narcissistic parent, first test your feelings about caring, dependence, and power. The roles have been exchanged, and playing the role of caring caregiver can be as difficult for you as it was for your narcissistic parent when you were a child.
The old age of the narcissist parent requires you to care for someone who may never have cared for you. How do you really feel about this situation? How much power does your parent have over you? How do you deal with the feelings that your growing parental defenses (denial, jealousy, contempt, manipulation, hostility, paranoia, and absurdity) awaken in you?
Attempting to adjust to an elderly narcissistic parent can become overwhelming and lead to a decline in energy. The better you know yourself and realize the existing relationship between you, the more manageable it will become. Being aware of why your parent is behaving in this way is moving towards developing the skills to cope with the challenges posed by an elderly narcissistic personality. However, you may find it difficult to accept these truths.
If you can identify and support the narcissist parent's need for mirroring, then maybe he can maintain both his inflationary image and yours, which will ensure that the narcissist is kept from complete madness and unprecedented antics. This means meeting some of his emotional and functional needs. As the narcissistic parent grows older, it becomes more envious, so you shouldn't talk to him about your successes. To the extent possible, allow the parent to maintain control over his own life, or at least the illusion of control. Do not try to change the narcissistic parent in the last stage of his life and give up the dream that your relationship with him will someday be mutual.
Among the narcissistic parents there are some who might be called "evil"; the grandeur of these people is built on the manifestation of extreme aggression. These people idealize their own aggressive strength and power to such an extent that they destroy healthy parts of their personality that are capable of at least minimally healthy relationships with others. They only want to "castrate" others, and in old age their paranoia can take on such a scale that they practically become inaccessible to contact. If your parent is in this category, then the best thing to do is interact with him from a distance.
When interacting with your narcissistic parent, see him as he really is. Accept the parent's limitations and appreciate their abilities.
If you have made up your mind to interact with a narcissistic parent, identify the constraints associated with both restraining yourself and what you will tolerate from your parent.
Don't let your narcissistic parent manipulate you into feeling guilty. You don't have to obey the absurd demands of a narcissist to look like a good son or daughter in their eyes. Set yourself up to say no to the narcissist's exorbitant demands. Organize other people who are perhaps better than you at meeting your parent's needs without heartbreaking drama. Remember that you also have obligations to yourself and to other people. You have every right to set your own priorities without being manipulated by the narcissistic parent or other narcissist close to you.
When caring for a narcissistic relative, seek support from others and use a variety of resources to help maintain inner balance and self-esteem. Take breaks from caring for your elderly narcissistic parent while still being present in the lives of the people who love you. Decide for yourself what you are willing to endure and what not; do everything to protect yourself, and do not forget that you have every right to do so.
[1] Tsvetan Todorov is a French philosopher.
