2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Interview with Sam Vankin
Sam Vaknin is the author of Malignant Self Love, Narcissism Revised and After the Rain - How the West Lost the East, and many other (paper and electronic) publications on topics from psychology, relationships, philosophy, economics and international relations. He has been a correspondent for Central Europe Review, Global Politician, PopMatters, eBookWeb and Bellaonline, and - as Chief Business Correspondent - for United Press International (UPI). He has also been the editor of categories related to mental health and East Central Europe in The Open Directory and Suite101.
How does a narcissistic mother behave?
She takes care of the physical health of her child, can send him to different circles and sections, dress beautifully - but she knows nothing about his inner world and his needs. Who he is, what he is and what he wants - this interests her least of all. She herself knows everything for him, because she perceives him as an extension of herself.
What is the impact of narcissistic parents on their children?
At the risk of oversimplification, I will note that narcissism tends to feed narcissism - but only a small proportion of children of narcissistic parents become narcissists. This may be due to genetic predispositions or other life circumstances (for example, not being the firstborn). But MOST of narcissists have one parent or guardian who is a narcissist.
The narcissistic parent sees in their child a multifaceted Source of Narcissistic Resource. The child is considered an extension of the narcissist. And it is through the child that the narcissist is trying to bill the world. The child is destined to fulfill the unfulfilled dreams, desires and fantasies of the narcissistic parent. This “life by proxy” can develop in two ways: the narcissist can either merge with his child, or be indifferent to him. Indifference is the result of a conflict between the narcissistic desire to achieve their narcissistic goals through the child and his pathological (destructive) envy of the child and his achievements. To alleviate the burden of such emotional ambivalence, the narcissistic parent resorts to thousands of control mechanisms. They can be grouped as follows: guilt-led ("I sacrificed my life for you"), codependents ("I need you, I can't live without you"), goal-oriented ("We have a common goal that we owe achieve "), general psychosis and emotional incest (" You and I oppose the whole world, or at least your monstrous, bad father "," You are my one and only true love and passion ") and explicit (" If you are not accept my principles, beliefs, ideology, religion, values, if you do not obey my instructions, I will punish you”). This control exercise helps maintain the illusion that the child is part of the narcissist. But maintaining the illusion requires an extraordinary level of control (from the parent) and submissiveness (from the child). These relationships are usually symbiotic and emotionally explosive.
The child also performs another important narcissistic function - providing Narcissistic Supply. One cannot fail to notice the alleged (albeit imaginary) immortality in the fact of having children. The early (natural) dependence of the child on his caregivers acts as a relief from his fear of abandonment. The narcissist tries to prolong this addiction by using the above control mechanisms. The Child is the ultimate Secondary Source of Narcissistic Supply. He is always there, he adores the narcissist, he is a witness to the moments of his triumph and greatness. Because of his desire to be loved, constant giving can be extorted from the child. For the narcissist, the child is the fulfillment of all dreams, but only in the most selfish sense. When a child demonstrates a “rejection” of his main function (to provide his narcissistic parent with constant attention), the parent's emotional reaction is harsh and accusatory. It is when the narcissistic parent is disappointed in their child that we can see the real nature of these pathological relationships. The child is fully reified. The narcissist reacts to the violation of this unwritten contract with a fair amount of aggression and aggressive transformations: contempt, rage, emotional, psychological, and even physical abuse. He is trying to destroy the real "rebellious" child and replace him with a submissive, trained, previous version of him.
What are the most common ways in which maternal narcissism can influence her daughter's relationship?
It depends on how narcissistic her mother is. Narcissistic parents cannot recognize and accept the personal independence and boundaries of their offspring. They see them as instruments of their reward or extensions of themselves. Their love is due to the "quality" of their children and how well they meet the needs, wants and priorities of the parent.
Consequently, narcissistic parents alternate sticky emotional blackmail (when seeking the child's attention), flattery and compliance (known as Narcissistic Resource) with harsh depreciation and boycott (when they want to punish the child for refusing to adhere to the rules).
Such inconsistency and unpredictability make the child vulnerable and dependent. As they enter adult relationships, these children feel that they must “earn” every crumb of love; that they will be permanently and easily abandoned if they do not quite “meet the standard”; that their main role is to "take care" of their spouse, boyfriend, partner, or friend; and that they are less important, less valuable, less skillful, and less deserving than others that matter to them.
What is most important when the daughters of narcissistic mothers strike up a relationship? When does this relationship go further? When does this relationship end?
The child of narcissistic parents is morbidly adapted; his personality is inflexible and subject to the development of psychological defense mechanisms. That is, in their relationships, they demonstrate the same behavior, from start to finish, and regardless of changing circumstances.
As adults, the offspring of narcissists tend to prolong the pathological primary relationship (with their narcissistic parents). They depend on other people for emotional support and ego functioning, and in general daily activities. They are needy, demanding and humble. They are fearful of abandonment, tenacious and exhibit immature behavior in their attempts to maintain a "relationship" with their companion or friend on whom they depend. No matter how violent they are, they stay in the relationship. Readily accepting the victim role, codependents crave control over their abusers.
Some of them become Inverted Narcissists
Also referred to as “hidden narcissists,” they are codependents who are completely dependent on narcissists (narcissistic addicts). If you live with a narcissist, are in a relationship with him, are married to him, married to him, work with a narcissist, etc. - this does NOT mean you are an inverted narcissist.
To be an inverted narcissist, you must CLAW at your relationship with the narcissist, no matter how much violence he / she has inflicted on you. You should ACTIVELY seek a relationship with the narcissist and ONLY with the narcissist, no matter what your (bitter and traumatic) past experience is. You should feel EMPTY and UNHAPPY in your relationship with ANY OTHER personality type. Only then, and if you meet the other diagnostic criteria for Dependent Personality Disorder, can you safely be called an Inverted Narcissist.
A small minority becomes counterdependent and narcissistic, emulating and mimicking the traits and behaviors of their parents. The emotions of these children of narcissistic feelings and needs are buried under the "scars" formed, coalesced and hardened over the years of some form of violence. Magnificence, a sense of importance, a lack of empathy (empathy) and overwhelming arrogance usually hide a gnawing sense of insecurity and wavering self-esteem.
Counterdependents are stubborn (reject and disregard authority), rigidly independent, self-centered, dominant and aggressive. They fear intimacy and are trapped in cycles of indecisive intimacy followed by avoidance of commitment. They are lone wolves and bad as team players.
Counterdependency is a reactive formation. The counter-addict judges his own weaknesses. He tries to overcome them by projecting an image of omniscience, omnipotence, success, self-sufficiency and superiority.
How do narcissistic mothers influence and participate in their daughters' intimate / married life?
How does it compare to regular mothers?
The narcissistic mother suffers from a control mania, he can hardly leave the good old sources of Narcissistic Supply (reverence, praise, attention of any kind). The role of their children is to constantly replenish this resource, the child owes it to her. To make sure that the child does not develop boundaries, and does not become independent or autonomous, the narcissistic parent petty controls the child's life and encourages dependent and infantile behavior in his offspring.
Such a parent bribes the child (offering free access to large financial support) or emotionally blackmails the child (constantly demanding help and piling up housework, declaring his ill health or disability), or even threatens the child (for example: what will deprive her of inheritance if she does not to indulge the wishes of the parent). The narcissistic mother also does her best to scare off anyone who might upset this symbiotic relationship, or somehow threaten the delicate, undeclared relationship. She sabotages any companionship her daughter has developed through lies, cunning, and ridicule.
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