Mother Stepmother Fairy

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Video: Mother Stepmother Fairy

Video: Mother Stepmother Fairy
Video: Step Mother In English Story | English Fairy Tales | Heart Touching story 2024, March
Mother Stepmother Fairy
Mother Stepmother Fairy
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Mother Stepmother Fairyauthor: Irina Yancheva-Karagyaur

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(With gratitude and love to my dear mother!)

I decided to devote these lines to the analysis of a curious, from a psychological point of view, line in fairy tales: author's or folk.

I'm talking about the "Mother-Stepmother-Fairy" line.

In fairy tales, these are three different women, three separate characters.

First - Mother.

What associations does this word evoke in us?

“My quiet, my tender, my kind mother …”, “Mom, always be with me; Mom, I don’t need more …”, “Who is the first person we meet when we come to this world? -So this is our mother, she is no sweeter …”, "Talk to me, mom …"

What is the first thing we associate the image of the mother with?

With care and kindness, tenderness and devotion, warmth and most importantly - unconditional love … "I love and accept you for what you exist, for what you are!" A child loved by unconditional love experiences the sensation: “I am loved because I exist, because it is I! There is no need to do anything to be loved. There is no need for deeds and merit. It's enough just to be!”

Maternal (unconditional) love helps form ability to love in the child himself. This ability, with its derivatives - primary abilities as defined by the founder of positive psychotherapy Nossrat Pezeshkian: tenderness, acceptance, kindness, trust, patience, hope, faith, contact, meaning, etc. - will serve the child in the future, when another important ability is on the agenda - ability to Cognition

As writes Erich Fromm in her book The Art of Loving, maternal love not only does not need to be deserved, but it also cannot be deserved. That is, either it exists or it does not. It is impossible to call it, provoke, take control … "When it is there, it is equal to bliss, but when it is not, it is as if all the beautiful has passed away from life, and I can not do anything to create this love."

This is where we move on to the next image - Stepmother.

Usually in fairy tales something happens to the Mother: she dies, dies, or the child is taken away from her. Simultaneously with the loss of the (image) of the Mother, her unconditional love also leaves. The Stepmother takes the place of the Mother. And now, in most fairy tales, the growing hero of the fairy tale faces a lot of conditions, requirements, the fulfillment of which, on the one hand, presupposes, but also often calls into question: will the “orphan girl” survive? And in order to survive, she works, overcomes, comprehends, does the impossible …

What is the role of the demanding and unforgiving Stepmother in the fate of the little heroine of the fairy tale?

Let's try to distance ourselves from her “evil” nature. What else do we see? Training, the creation of useful skills in housekeeping, caring for the house and its inhabitants. A stepdaughter should be able to clean, carry water, cook, sew, weave, etc. "Right away!" Good skills and habits, don't you think?

And here I will turn to N. Pezeshkian again. By all appearances, the function of the Stepmother is to form in the child secondary abilities under the denominator "Ability to Cognition": order, accuracy, frugality, loyalty, trustworthiness, purity, punctuality, accuracy, commitment, diligence, diligence, etc. This is the period of structuring the content received during the maternal period. The mother conditionally charges with content, the Stepmother determines the structure. Or another metaphor: Mother gives color, Stepmother outlines the outline.

It is interesting how here, in the stepmother's period of labors, trials and tribulations, the image of the Mother also makes its way into fairy tales. He appears in the face of different creatures - helpers: animals, birds, insects, or in the images of inanimate nature, which suddenly comes to life and surrounds the heroine with its care and protection, like a "river - jelly banks" or "apple tree".

What is the meaning of these helper creatures?

First, it becomes obvious that a child, nurtured by unconditional motherly love, knows how to love others. In some fairy tales, we find two children's images:

conditionally "bad" - one who does not know how to love, indifferently and arrogantly passes by suffering animals, plants and so on, and the “good” who does not pass by, comes into contact with future helpers, even not knowing that they will be such, endows them with love, kindness, warmth, care and other “reflections” of a well-formed ability for Love. The latter is both a gift and a connection with the Mother, who is presented here in the form of a stove with pies, a river of milk, an animal, etc.

Secondly, which naturally follows from the first, the hidden meaning of magic assistants is to show that the formation of the ability to Cognition (already mentioned secondary abilities) is not carried out so successfully without a stable support in the capacity for Love.

Here we can also recall Bowlby's Attachment Theory, which focuses on the fact that the more reliable the attachment between the mother and the child, the better the child's ability to exploit is.

One can also glance at Freud's Theory of Drives, at the interweaving of Libido and Mortido. The Life-giving Mother and the Destructive and Castrating Stepmother. If Mother has done her job in due time, the Stepmother is not so scary …

It is necessary to emphasize one more important role of the evil Stepmother - the separating one.

Fairy-tale plots often confront the "orphan" with expulsion from home. The stepmother sends for "bird milk", "snowdrops in the middle of winter" or completely decides to lime the stepdaughter … In other words, if there is a reliable base - Mother's love, which is expressed in the heroine's warmth and benevolence, then there will be strength (helpers) for the most overwhelming tasks the evil Stepmother who, directly or not, took over the education of the child.

“One of the main tasks of a mother is to prepare the child for separation from the family.”

Irwin Yalom "Chronicle of one healing."

It is very important that at a certain stage of development, the mother allows the child a true separation. I'm not talking so much about the physical side of things, although it also matters, as about the emotional. Separation is a true test, without which the real maturation of the individual cannot be carried out.

Mother

Are we now talking about Stepmother?

A little patience and everything will fall into place!

The last image - Fairy.

Giver, saving, blessing, initiating. She devotes the girl to a new role, to the tender and quivering secrets of femininity, inspiring the message: "You are a woman!" - attractive, seductive, able to love, create, be loved, wife, future mother. She blesses the alliance with the Prince, the Strong Man, the Royal Son …

Take Cinderella, for example. The fairy helps her to become the most beautiful and charming, dresses her in the most beautiful outfits, to which she attaches amazing accessories. And at the same time, he outlines certain boundaries and strictly punishes: “Do not forget to leave the ball at the appointed hour, otherwise….”, and frightening warnings follow: "Your dress will turn into rags, crystal shoes - into wooden shoes …"

And now, ATTENTION!

Doesn't the last remind us of the angry Stepmother with her firm penalties? And the first one? Really not loving Mother, ready to do all the kindest and most beautiful for her daughter?

What's going on? What do fairy tales explain to us with these three images?

In my opinion, another theory successfully illuminates this fabulous phenomenon. Theory Melanie Klein and the concepts of “good” and “evil”, introduced by her, are ideally correlated with the fabulous images of Mother and Stepmother. Two separate images. These are precisely those into which the infant splits the essence of the mother in his immature ideas: one - ideal, loving, present, providing everything necessary and, when necessary, bringing pleasure; the other is depriving, limiting, absent, frustrating, displeasing.

With the passage of time (and fairy tales), the child gradually begins to combine two opposite images into one, and at a certain stage of development his psyche becomes capable of embracing the idea that the mother is both “good” and “evil”. She loves, and limits, and gives, and deprives, and permits, and forbids, and cares, and censures … Just like a fairytale Fairy, which combines both mother's and stepmother's sides.

In fact, Fairy is a synthesis of images Mothers (thesis) and Stepmothers (antithesis).

And more … If we turn again to the positive psychotherapy of N. Pezeshkian, namely to the three stages of interaction, then the Mother also symbolizes Merge, Stepmother - Differentiationand Fairy - Autonomy.

Besides… Mother gives the child the feeling: "I am the center of the universe, everything revolves around me." Stepmother turns the picture upside down, letting the child understand that he is, first of all, a social individual, who is not only not the center, but himself “revolves” around something larger than himself. Fairy connects both sides of the coin into one whole - a person is also the center of himself, rotating around his axis, something revolves around him (like the Moon around the Earth); at the same time, he belongs to something larger: a family, a group, a society, the rules and laws of which he must obey (as the Earth revolves around the Sun, like other planets in the system).

Full sensation of both centers - internal and external (Mothers and Stepmothers) - gives a person a sense of support “in two legs”, and as a result - adaptability to reality and the power of creativity (the symbol of which is Fairy).

In order to perceive her mother in the light of the image of the Fairy, initiating and blessing the transition to a new stage of development (with its femininity, productivity, and also autonomy), two sides of things are important for the heroine. First, the daughter herself must reach the degree of emotional maturity in which she will be able to perceive her mother in integrity (not “perfectly good” or “terribly bad”, but both - whole in their difference).

Secondly, in addition to the fact that every mother, as it has already become clear, must be a stepmother to a sufficient extent, the emotional maturity of the mother herself matters. The immaturity of the latter can significantly slow down the maturation of the daughter, and the relationship of both may never reach the “fairy” stage.

As the saying goes: “Do not bring up your children, because they will be like you in one way or another. Educate yourself."

I confess that I do not support the first half of the statement “do not bring up children” so categorically, but with both hands “for” the second part - “educate yourself!”

In continuation and in support of my thought, I will quote Virginia Satyr:

“If you admit to yourself that you are not ideal and then continue to study with your children, their trust in you will not diminish, but, on the contrary, will increase.”

Trust me, there are not many parents who have grown to a productive age and have reached optimal emotional maturity. But this should by no means discourage us. On the contrary, it is worth finding the strength to admit your weaknesses and limits and allow yourself to continue personal growth with your children, as advises V. Satir … The kids won't be offended by us for this. So they will have the opportunity to honestly and openly touch the human imperfection in the parent, respectively, and in themselves. And this is an extremely important step on the path of growing up.

Fairy, as already mentioned, is a symbol of the creative mother (creative personality in general). The one who owns the magic to transform, transform, create from what reality offers (POSITUM translated from Latin means "taking place", "given", "factual"). From this we conclude that "POSITIVE" means “creating from reality” (and not “looking through rose-colored glasses”, as is often believed).

Let's turn to V. Satyr:

“The creative mother understands that difficulties are a part of life, and tries to find creative solutions to any problem that has arisen at the moment it arises. Whereas the opposite type of mother puts all her energy into avoiding problems, and when they do appear, she no longer has the resource to cope with them."

What practical ideas does the fairy line give us? Mother Stepmother Fairy?

Each parent (regardless of gender) can look at himself from two sides of his parental role: how giver of love and providing Cognition … The two sides of the role of the primary and secondary parent: the Mother, who loves unconditionally, and the Stepmother, who requires and at the same time gives knowledge.

When, in what situations, to whom, and also - consciously or not, do we turn to one side or the other? What does this or that turn bring us? How balanced is everything, what kind of response does it receive from the outside? If you feel too much fixated on one role or another, don't run away from that feeling …

Try to peer into it, understand it and give it a certain place and spatial volume in your inner world.

Now try to execute an exercise.

Prepare 2 chairs. One of them will be the Mother's chair, the other - the Stepmother. Arrange them as you see fit. Sit on the first, well, for example, Mother, close your eyes, try to get used to your role as the primary parent. Dare to express your feelings. Remember some lines from this role. Move to another chair. Do the same slowly. (Give yourself time to dive into each of the two images.)

Get up out of your chair. Sit on the sidelines somewhere. Think:

How do you feel now?

Which chair was more natural and comfortable for you?

How do you like this state of affairs? Is there a need for something to be slightly different? What would you like to change? How? How do you imagine the consequences of such a change?

More an exercise. "In Search of the Fairy".

Take some predicament from your life. Try to consider it from Stephen (-) and from the Mother (+) side. That is, take a look at its cons, note the pros. Look for the benefits of harm, the meaning of the symptom, the meaning of the situation as a whole. I really like the statement of V. Frankl: “Suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment when it acquires meaning.”

Remember, the Fairy (positivity) is not only a wish-maker, she is also the one who puts us in the face of trials.

A question for filling.:)) Do you know why Sloth was not gifted to Morozko (who is something like a male Fairy) as a Hard worker? Why did the sisters of Cinderella or Little Havroshechka never become princesses (brides, wives, mothers)? Have you guessed?

Right! They once had a Mother, but they never had a Stepmother! And where there is no Stepmother (trials), the Fairy will not happen there - her gifts, blessings, transformations, the real positive.

I wish you to find the Fairy inside yourself, as well as find your magic wand, symbolizing your own gift and courage to transform, transform, creatively adapt, create, create with the help of your current abilities from everything with which you come in contact, and why not from ideas suggested in these lines ?!

It probably won't be that easy for you. Write! Or … Feel free to contact a positive therapist or counselor in your city. They will be happy to help you.

Good luck!

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