8 Male Innermost Traumas

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

“Remember, you came to this world, having already realized

the need to fight with yourself - and only with yourself.

So, thank anyone who gives you

this opportunity”G. I. Gurdjieff

"Meeting wonderful people"

Quite recently, having in my psychotherapeutic practice the majority of male clients, I increasingly began to think about how difficult it is to be a modern man in our society. After all, a man from the cradle is presented with inhuman requirements that he must be strong, must not cry, must take care of his family, ensuring material wealth. At the same time, showing your emotions is considered an unforgivable weakness. A "real" man must meet certain expectations, compete with other men, and play various social roles. It is not allowed that he has the right to engage in an internal search and listen to the call of his own soul. The lack of a worthy real model of masculinity, initiation rituals, as well as the impact of a negative mother complex lead to the fact that it is almost impossible for a man to feel like a mature person, able to trust himself and love himself, to build and maintain honest and trusting relationships with others. In the modern world, men grow up under the yoke of the Image of a Man - an unattainable ideal, the God of Saturn, who, according to an ancient legend, devoured his children who were threatening his power. On this topic, the famous Jungian psychoanalyst James Hollis wrote a wonderful book "Under the Shadow of Saturn", the thoughts from which I want to share in this article. The purpose of this article is to provide an overview of the emotional male trauma common in the book, their origins and ways of healing within psychodynamic therapy.

So:

“A man’s life, like a woman’s life, is largely determined by the constraints inherent in role expectations.”

Society distributes social roles between men and women without taking into account the true individual needs of each individual soul, depersonalizing and depriving each individual of the natural uniqueness. Whatever the initial request of the client in the psychotherapist's office, the true hidden reason for contacting a psychologist is an unspoken protest against the hackneyed attitudes for men "Do not show emotions" "Die before women" "Do not trust anyone", "Be in the flow", etc. …

The modern average man cannot even admit the thought of exposing his soul, showing his vulnerability and fears in the presence of other men,

at best, and this is already a big victory, he goes to a psychotherapist to sort out his dissatisfaction with life.

"A man's life is largely driven by fear."

Since childhood, modern men are "implanted with a chip" not recognizing the unawareness of fear, the installation that the male task is to subjugate nature and ourselves. Unconscious fear is overcompensated in relationships. The fear of the maternal complex is compensated for either by the desire to indulge in everything, to give the woman pleasure, or to excessively dominate her. In relationships with other men you have to compete; the world is perceived as a dark, stormy ocean, from which you do not know what to expect. With the implementation of such attitudes, a man never feels satisfaction, because, throwing dust in the eyes of others, he still feels inside the fear of a little boy who has fallen into an unreliable and hostile world, in which he needs to hide his true emotions and constantly play the role of an invincible, impudent " macho".

This feeling of being a helpless frightened boy, carefully hidden from others and from oneself, the shadow side of the personality or "shadow" is projected onto others or played out in socially unacceptable behavior. Projection manifests itself in the form of criticism of others, condemnation, ridicule.

Compensating for his fear, a man brags about an expensive car, a high house, a status position, trying to hide his inner feeling of helplessness and insolvency with an external disguise

So to speak, "whistling in the dark" means behaving as if you do not feel fear. In psychotherapy, we designate, recognize and integrate the Shadow, thus strengthening the client's true self. The most difficult part of a psychotherapy program is the client's acknowledgment of their fears and true problems. After all, for a man to admit his fears is to sign his masculine inconsistency, it means to admit his inconsistency with the image of a man, to become a loser, unable to protect his family. And this fear is worse than death.

"Femininity has tremendous power in the male psyche."

The very first and most powerful for each person are the experiences associated with the mother. Mom is the source from which we all start. Just as during pregnancy, before birth, we are immersed in the mother's body, we are also immersed in her unconscious and are a part of it. When we are born, we separate for the first time, separate physically from her, but remain for some time (someone longer, and someone has not been able to separate in his entire life) mentally one with her. But even after separation, we unconsciously try to reunite with our mother through Others - spouses, friends, bosses, demanding from them unconditional maternal love, attention and care, through sublimation or projection of her features onto others.

Mother is the first protection from the outside world, it is the center of our universe, from which, through our relationship with her, we receive information about our vitality, about our right to life, which is the foundation of our personality

In the future, the role of the mother is played by educators, teachers, doctors, teachers. Most of the information men get about themselves from women. And the maternal complex, which was discussed earlier in this article, manifests itself in the need for warmth, comfort, care, attachments to one home, work. The sense of the world develops from the primary sense of femininity, i.e. through our female part. If at the very beginning of life the child's needs for food and emotional warmth are satisfied, he will continue to feel his place in life and his involvement in it. As Freud once remarked, the child who was cared for by the mother will feel invincible. If the mother "did not have enough", then in the future she will feel disconnected from life, her own uselessness, insatiability in meeting the need for the joys of life, unawareness of her true needs.

In psychotherapy using the symbol drama method, an important stage is the satisfaction of these archaic, oral needs. Along with verbal techniques, the therapist uses certain images for visualization.

But, maternal love, excessive, absorbing personality, can also cripple the child's life. Many women are trying to realize their life potential through the lives of their sons. Of course, the efforts of such mothers can raise a man to such heights of success, to which he himself could hardly rise. Many personal stories of famous men confirm this. But we are talking here about the internal mental state of men, spiritual harmony and a sense of the fullness of life. And this spiritual harmony is rarely associated only with social success. In my psychological practice, there are many stories of rather wealthy and socially successful men who, despite their outward success, experience unbearable boredom and apathy towards life.

In order to free himself from the maternal complex, a man needs to leave the comfort zone, to realize his dependence, or rather the dependence of his inner child, on the maternal surrogate (the object onto which he projects the image of the mother)

Find your values, determine your life path, realize your childish anger towards your wife, girlfriend, who can never meet his infantile requirements.

As embarrassing as it may be, most men need to acknowledge and separate their relationship with their mother from their actual relationship with a woman. If this does not happen, then they will continue to act out their old, regressive scenarios in the relationship.

Progress, growing up, requires a young man to sacrifice his comfort, his childhood. Otherwise, regression into childhood will be akin to self-destruction and unconscious incest. But it is precisely the fear of the pain that life causes that determines the unconscious choice of regression or psychological death.

“No man can become himself until he goes through confrontation with his mother complex and brings this experience into all subsequent relationships. Only by looking into the abyss that has opened underfoot can he become independent and free from anger."

- writes James Hollis

in his book "Under the Shadow of Saturn"

In the psychotherapeutic process, for me it is a clear marker when a man still hates his mother or women. I understand that he is still seeking protection or trying to avoid pressure from his mother. Of course, the separation process largely depends on the level of awareness, the nature of the mother's own psychological traumas, which determine the strategies of behavior and the mental heritage of the child.

"Men remain silent in order to suppress their true emotions."

Every man has a story in his life when he, as a boy, teenager, having shared his experiences with peers, later very much regretted it. Most likely, he was laughed at, they began to tease, after which he felt shame and loneliness. "Mama's son", "sucker", well, and a lot of other offensive words for the boy … These injuries do not go anywhere and remain in adulthood, regardless of existing achievements. Then, in childhood, he accepted one of the basic "male" rules - hide your experiences and failures, keep quiet about them, do not confess, flaunt, no matter how bad you may be. Nobody should know about this, otherwise you are not a man, otherwise you are a rag.

And a huge part of his life, and perhaps the whole, will take place in valiant battles against past childhood humiliations in a distorted subjective reality. Like a knight, clad in armor with a lowered visor. Sad.

The man tries to suppress his inner femininity, playing the role of macho, demanding from the wife to satisfy the infantile needs for maternal care and attention, at the same time suppressing the woman, establishing control over her.

A person suppresses what he is afraid of. Not accepting his feminine part within himself, the man tries to ignore his emotions in himself and suppress, humiliate the real woman who is next to him

This "pathology" makes it impossible to establish close relationships in the family. In any relationship, a man becomes addicted, where he knows little about himself. He projects his unknown part of the psyche onto another person. Often a man experiences fits of rage towards a woman. The manifestation of rage is associated with the excessive influence of the mother, with the "lack" of the father. Anger accumulates when a child's personal space is violated, its boundaries are violated in the form of direct physical violence, or an adult's excessive influence on the child's life. The resulting trauma can lead to sociopathy. Such a boy, as an adult, will not be able to take care of loved ones. His life is full of fear, will make anyone who is around and wants to build a family or a trusting relationship with him suffer. He cannot endure his own pain and makes the Other suffer … This will continue until the man accepts his emotional, feminine part, gets rid of the maternal complex.

"Trauma is necessary because men have to leave their mothers and psychologically transcend their mothers."

The transition from maternal dependence to male involvement, paternal nature is accompanied not only by characteristic physiological changes in the boy's body, but also by strong psychological shocks, experiences,injuries. Psychological trauma contributes to the integration of the infantile unconscious material of the personality.

We call the unconscious infantile material safety and dependence - the sacrifice that is necessary for the transition of a boy to the world of men. Different peoples had (some have) their own rituals of self-harm - circumcision, ear piercing, teeth knocking out. In any such rituals, there is damage to the material (matter-mother). The elders of the tribe, thus, deprive the boy of support, protection, that which can secure, i.e. aspects of the mother's world. And this was a manifestation of the greatest love for the young man.

How difficult it is for modern men to overcome this great transition without any help!

“The rituals have not survived, there are no wise elders left, there is at least some model of a man's transition to a state of maturity. Therefore, most of the men remain with their individual addictions, boastfully demonstrating their dubious macho compensation, and much more often suffering alone from shame and indecision."

D. Hollis "Under the Shadow of Saturn"

The first stage overcoming the maternal complex is the physical and later mental separation from the parents. Earlier, this separation was facilitated by the kidnapping ritual of the boy by unknown elders in masks. Depriving him of the comfort and warmth of the parental hearth, the participants in the ritual gave the boy a chance to become an adult.

Necessary element second stage the transitional ritual was symbolic death. Burial or passage through a dark tunnel was staged. The boy overcame the fear of death by living the symbolic death of childhood addiction. But, despite the symbolic death, a new adult life was just beginning.

Third stage - a ritual of rebirth. This is Baptism, sometimes the assignment of a new name, etc.

Stage four - this is the stage of learning. Those. acquiring the knowledge that a young man needed to behave like a mature man. In addition, he is informed of the rights and responsibilities of an adult male and a member of the community.

At the fifth stage there was a severe test - isolation, living for a certain time without getting off the horse, fighting with a strong enemy, etc.

Initiation ends with return, during this period, the boy feels existential changes, one essence dies in him and another, mature, strong, is born. If a modern man is asked whether he feels like a man, he is unlikely to be able to answer. He knows his social role, but at the same time, often, he has no idea what it means to be a man.

"A man's life is full of violence, because their soul is subjected to violence."

Unreacted anger in relations with the mother in childhood manifests itself in the adult life of a man in the form of irritability. This phenomenon is called "displaced" anger, which is poured out at the slightest provocation, more often it is more powerful and inadequate to the situation.

A man can act out his anger by behavior that violates social norms and rules, committing sexual violence. Violence against women is a consequence of a deep male trauma associated with the maternal complex. Internal conflict in the form of fear of trauma will be transferred to the external environment, and in order to protect himself, he will try to hide his fear by dominating the Other. A man striving for power is an immature boy, possessed by inner fear.

Another strategy for the behavior of a man overcome by fear is the desire for excessive self-sacrifice in order to please the woman.

Modern men rarely talk about their anger and rage without feeling ashamed. They often choose to remain silent about their feelings while being alone..

And this rage, not expressed and not manifested outside, is directed inward. This manifests itself in the form of self-destruction of oneself with drugs, alcohol, workaholism. And also in the form of somatic diseases - hypertension, stomach ulcers, headaches, asthma, etc. It is necessary to break the maternal bond, survive the trauma, which will lead to further personal growth and a qualitative change in life.

“Every man yearns for his father and needs fellowship with the elders of his community.”

"Dear father, You recently asked me why I say that I am afraid of You. As usual, I could not answer you, partly out of fear of You, partly because it takes too many details to explain this fear, which would be difficult to bring in a conversation. And if I now try to answer You in writing, the answer will still be very incomplete, because even now, when I write, I am hindered by fear of You and its consequences, and because the amount of material far exceeds the capabilities of my memory and my reason."

Franz Kafka "Letter to the Father"

This is how a famous work begins, and I know that most modern men would like to admit this to their fathers.

Long gone are the days when business, craft, professional secrets in the family were passed from father to son. The connection between father and son has been severed. Now the father is leaving his home and going to work, leaving his family behind. Tired, coming home from work, the father wants only one thing - to be left alone. He does not feel that he can be a worthy example for his son.

Conflict between father and son is common in today's world. It is passed down from generation to generation. It is difficult today to find an example to follow either in the church or in the government, and there is nothing to learn especially from the boss. The wise mentoring so necessary for a man to grow up is virtually nonexistent.

Therefore, most men long for their father and grieve for his loss. A man needs not so much knowledge as his father's inner strength, manifested in the unconditional acceptance of his son, as he is. Without "hanging" their expectations, unfulfilled ambitions. True masculine authority can only manifest outwardly from inner strength. Those who are not fortunate enough to feel their inner authority are forced to give in to others all their lives, considering them more worthy or compensating for the feeling of inner weakness with social status. Not receiving enough attention from his father, his positive mentoring, the boy tries to deserve this attention. Then, all his life, he tries to earn the attention of any Other who is slightly higher in status, or richer. Silence, inattention of the father is regarded by the boy as proof of his inferiority (if I became a man, I would deserve his love). Since I didn't deserve it, then I never became a man.

"He needs a fatherly example to help him understand how to exist in this world, how to work, how to avoid troubles, how to build the right relationship with inner and outer femininity."

D. Hollis "Under the Shadow of Saturn"

To activate his own masculinity, he needs an external mature paternal model. Every son should see the example of a father who does not hide his emotionality, he makes mistakes, falls, admits his mistakes, rises, corrects mistakes and moves on. He does not humiliate his son with the words: “don’t cry, men don’t cry,” “don’t be a mama’s boy,” and so on. He recognizes his fear, but teaches us to cope with it, to overcome our weaknesses.

The father must teach his son how to live in the outside world, staying in harmony with himself

If the father is absent spiritually or physically, a "skew" occurs in the child-parent triangle and the bond between the son and the mother becomes especially strong.

No matter how good the mother is, it is absolutely impossible for her to devote her son to something about which she does not have the slightest idea.

Only a father, a wise mentor, can pull a son out of the maternal complex, otherwise, psychologically, the son will remain a boy, or become dependent on compensation, becoming a “macho”, hiding the prevailing inner femininity.

In the process of psychotherapy, a person is aware of his fears, vulnerability, melancholy, aggression, thus passing through the trauma.

If this does not happen, the person continues to search for his "ideal" parent among pseudoprophies, pop stars, etc. worshiping and imitating them.

"If men want to be healed, they should mobilize all their inner resources, replenishing what they did not receive from the outside in due time."

A man's healing begins on the day when he becomes honest with himself, throwing away shame, he admits his feelings. Then it becomes possible to restore the foundation of his personality, to free himself from the sticky gray fear that haunts his soul. It is almost impossible to deal with this alone; it takes time to heal. In therapy, this can take six months, a year, or even more. But recovery is possible and quite real.